Today I want to revert back to a post I put up last week about flipping the switch. I wrote about having to finally let someone go and end the book that was our story and it’s something I’ve had a lot of time to think about this week. Now even though I asked that this person not to respond to me, I knew that he was incapable of respecting that request and a huge part of me wanted that response, just not the response I got.
When I got my reply, my first reaction was that it was pretty weak but as I thought more about it, I realized it was the same kind of unattached, politically correct response that I had been getting from him the entire time I’ve known him so I don’t know why I expected anything more.
This brought me back to a theory my mom has about expectations. She says that the secret to life is low expectations, which is definitely not a policy I follow. I tend to expect a lot from people. This may without a doubt be my Achilles heel. I don’t mean to hold people to these standards nor do I do it in a malicious way, I just want to see people be the best versions of themselves and of course when I’m involved I want them to do the things that I want so that I get my desired outcome (who doesn’t?!). The truth is that people have to make their own decisions and follow their own hearts and sometimes your wants and your hearts don’t match up. No matter how much I try to keep that in mind, there are times that I do forget it.
Now back to the boy. I wrote that we were closing the book and although I stand by that statement, I don’t think our story is done. The book we had been writing was based on a naïve 18 year old girl in jean overalls and a 21 year old baby faced frat boy, neither of which are the people we are today. It was a great story and one that I will definitely treasure forever but it’s time to move on. Close that book and write a new one based on who we are now and who we will become rather than the way we were. There can always be a sequel and sometimes they even end up better than the original (Mighty Ducks 2 anyone?).
The next book might be another love story or it might be something completely different. There might be more characters involved and maybe we’ll even play smaller parts in the tale but regardless, it will be written moving forward. If I didn’t close the last book I would always expect him to live up to the expectations I had and it’s not fair for me to expect him to be someone he does not want to be.
This was not an easy realization to come to and I’ve gone back and forth before reaching this mature point of clarity. I went through frustration and disappointment and I definitely tapped into some anger. The theories of me being a first round draft choice and a starter not some third string scrub you put in the game when you’ve exhausted all your other options were thrown around quite a bit but those feelings have all since passed (thank you Amy and Brad for putting up with my rants!). I’ve reached mature, calm, and composed. I feel like such a grown up!
All I know is that this person has been someone very special in my life for years and I didn’t always want to admit that. In many ways, he has helped make me the person that I am and has influenced the person I would like to be. I’ve spent 10 years watching him go from boy to man from afar and I’m sure I’ll spend many more years still watching his transformation. He is inspiring and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things he will do because he is destined for greatness.
In hindsight, I’m glad I put everything out there and said the things I wanted to say. Even though it didn’t go exactly how I would have liked it to, I no longer have to carry around the “what ifs” and I can move on accepting the situation as it is. If you are holding on to something because you are afraid of the outcome, either let it out or let it go. It’s a risk to put yourself out there and the truth is that things may not end the way you want them to but there is always that possibility that you will be surprised and get exactly what you want. And if you don’t, then you can move on with the situation you’ve been given without the rose colored glasses that you wear when you are always wondering “what if”.
"Life isn't then. Life isn't when. Life is this, here, now." - October Road
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