Raise Your Glass to 2010

Well it’s NYE and we are only hours away from a new year, aka a new beginning.  With each new year we close another chapter of our lives to begin writing a new one.  But before we move forward, since it’s the last day of 2010, I thought it would be a good time to look back on the year that was. 

This year we cheered for the Butler Bulldogs as they made an impressive Cinderella run to the NCAA finals and watched Tiger Woods fall from grace.  In 2010, Cheney had a heart attack, teen star Corey Haim unexpectedly died, Lebron took his talents to South Beach, and BP had an oil spill.  Squeaky clean Brett Farve became scandalous, New Orleans won an unexpected Superbowl, Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with cancer, and the world was introduced to the IPad.  Maybe you laughed at Betty White on SNL or enjoyed Conan on TV, off TV, and back on again. Lost bid us farewell, Kobe got a ring (again!), the US had a Census, and an Octopus predicted the outcome of the World Cup.   You might have gone into mourning when you found out Prince William was off the market or got misty eyed over the emotional rescue of the Chilean minors.  Steven Slater quit his job in a dramatic fashion, the Boss of the Yankees past away, Lindsey Lohan was a train wreck to say the least, and Four Loko took on a life of its own.  Maybe you jumped up and down when Roy Halladay threw a playoff no hitter or watched as Sandra Bullock showed us all strength and courage when her marriage fell apart.  Haiti was hit by a devastating earthquake, Obama passed the controversial health care law, Vancouver hosted the Olympics, and the US held Midterm Elections.  This year there were make ups, break ups, and all kinds of other shakes ups and news worthy events. 

But when I look back on 2010, I will see a few things that didn’t make the front page of the newspapers and magazines.  There was NYE 2009 at Erin and Jared’s where they transported us all to Las Newmans, an amazing road trip to see the red rocks of Sedona Arizona, and a Night in Venice OCNJ style.  A PSU win over Michigan was celebrated with a lot of laughs and spiked apple cider, the Gale Force walked to make strides towards curing breast cancer, the cousins had a slumber party at my place, and I took a ride down the Chicago River.  Penn State invaded DC, which resulted in a Gamma Phi Beta weekend complete with a sailor, an ulcer, a personalize power hour DVD and a lot of wonderful memories with some of my favorite girls.  My cousin Brian finally got his driver’s license, Steph had a wonderful wedding in August, Little Ray made his confirmation, and I hosted a Christmas Morning Party to collect toys for Toys for Tots.  There was a girls night in AC, Eclipse in IMax and Team Edward, Pete and the Family in the Poconos, and a SRL Volleyball season that exceeded all my expectations.  My goddaughter went to her freshman formal looking like Kim Kardashian and I got to take her to State College for her first PSU experience.  I started this blog to commit to change, got accepted for a Habitat for Humanity trip, and I had my first PSU football year as a season ticket holder.  There was an XTU concert complete with VIP party passes, mullets, and bottle opener hats.  It was the year of the wine tour, RoboBrian, and my best friends becoming parents (LOVE TYLER!).  Overall, this year was jam packed with great memories and wonderful people. 

Today, as we get ready to embrace whatever life holds for us in 2011, we should try to appreciate all the amazing moments that were made this year.  Maybe this past year was your best yet or maybe you’ve had better but regardless of the kind of year you had, tomorrow each of us will get to start all over again.  We will make resolutions about how we will live in the upcoming year and some of us will stick to them while others do not.  We will leave the past year behind us in an attempt to move forward.  2010 will end and it will be just another year in the many that we will hopefully have but before it does, find some greatness in it and remember it that way.  So raise your glass and celebrate 2010!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  See you all in 2011!

"We do not remember days, we remember moments" - Cesare Pavese

Part Three: Personal Growth

Ok we are on to the third and final part of this whole process which may be the most important part. I’ve termed this section Personal Growth.  This stage is much different than then the other two.  There is no time limit on this part like Letting Go because you should always be moving forward and growing as a person.  There is no check list like with Unexpected Adventures because so much of this part of the process is intangible and can’t just be crossed off a list.  While both of those parts contribute to my Personal Growth, this section is all about figuring out who I will become. 

There are so many questions in my life right now but ultimately it all boils down to what comes next.  I need to figure out where I’m heading.  Maybe I won’t be able to determine a destination yet but I need to at least make sure that I’m facing the right direction.  There are several things I can’t change and questions that will be answered in time but right now I want to focus on me and let everything else come together on its own. 

The ultimate goal of this stage is to help myself become a more well rounded person.  I want to push myself physically, mentally and emotionally beyond what I think I’m capable of.   I hope to step outside of my comfort zone and dive into new arenas.  Who knows, I may find something I really love or at least find out more about myself.  This step is not as easy to explain as the other two but I urge you all to keep checking in and let the results speak for themselves.

To recap, with Letting Go, I will gain clarity.  With Unexpected Adventures, I will gain experience.  With Personal Growth, I will aim to be the best version of myself.   With all three parts, I will break down the limits that have been built up in my life and figure out how I want to live.  I will be the one in the driver’s seat.  I hope to find the balance between doing the things I want to do and the things I have to do.   This whole process is really all about focusing in on change, making commitments and following through with them, and learning to live life without unnecessary expectations or rules. 

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” – Lao Tzu

Part Two: Unexpected Adventures

The second part of my journey is a journey all in itself.  When life doesn’t go exactly the way you thought it was going to, you have two choices.  You can dwell on all the things that you don’t have or you can take advantage of all the things you can have.

I know I've said this before but I always thought that at 28 years old, I would be at a different stage in my life.  I figured I would have more responsibilities or other people to consider when I decided to do things but that was just a thought.  The reality is that I don’t have anything keeping me from doing the things I want to do except for me. 

When you’re little, people tell you that you’re supposed to grow up, get a job, fall in love, get married, have kids, and basically live happily ever after.   Well they don’t exactly put an age on that fairy tale so when you grow up, you realize that just because you want happily ever after doesn’t mean that you can predict when you are going to get it.  As nice as it is to think we can have a well thought out and carefully detailed life plan, we really can’t.  You can try to plot out everything but eventually life will intervene.  Maybe you will fall in love when you weren’t looking for it or end up with someone who’s not ideally who you thought you would be with.  You could wind up changing your career plan, having kids sooner than you expected or living somewhere you never could have imagined living.  All of the twists and turns in life are your unexpected adventures. 

Now since my life plan didn’t go exactly how I thought it would, I’m in an unexpected place and I’ve decided to take advantage of that.  I still want the white picket fence, marriage and kids someday but I’m not just going to sit around on my couch watching 90210 reruns while I wait for that pretty picture. 

So I came up with “The List”.  We all have our list of things we want to do before we die and if you don’t, I suggest you think about it.  The list that I’ve created is a modified version of my life bucket list.  Since I have a time line of a year on this project, I had to fill the list with things that I want to do but also things that I can do within my time frame.  For example, on my overall bucket list, I want to go to every Major League Baseball ballpark.  Now I know that I can’t accomplish that in one year but I can check a few off my list, which would contribute to my ultimate goal.  I’ve been building The List over the past few weeks and I expect it to grow as time goes on.  I have posted what I have so far in a side bar to the left.  I’ve completed a few things already but I am committed to finishing the rest by my end date of 11/11/11. 

I want to really experience life and the ability to do so this freely could change at any time, which is why I need to take advantage of where I’m at now.  I’ve thrown out the pieces of my broken life plan and decided to start coloring outside the lines.  I have ideas and things I want to do but where I’m headed is still unknown.   We will learn more on the roads that we take to get to where we are going then from our final destination.   Maybe I don’t have the life I thought I wanted but I do have the opportunity to do a lot of things that I never would have been able to if my original plan had worked out.  So here’s to unexpected adventures and the excitement they will bring to my life J

“If you worry about what might be and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is” – Unknown

Part One: Letting Go

If you assume I came up with this whole change your life challenge on a whim, you are wrong.  There is actually some deeper organization and thought behind my social experiment.  Yesterday I gave you reasons why I am doing all this and today I want to get into more of the details, starting with the first section of three, letting go.

Sometimes we have to take a look at who we are and who we want to be and see if those two people match up.  If they do, then you are pretty lucky but if they don’t, then look at what is keeping you from being who you want to be and let it go.  

During the "Letting Go" portion of my process, I am committed to doing three things.  I want to forgive past mistakes, reevaluate the friends I have in my life and finally tie up loose ends when it comes to past relationships.  All of these things are items that I have avoided dealing with for one reason or another over the years and it’s time to confront them. 

When I started this blog, I knew this would be the first thing I would have to address in order to move forward with the other two aspects of this project. I gave myself from my start date of November 12^th, 2010 until December 31^st, 2010 to complete this stage.  Once I hit 1/1/11, I want to be in the best possible place mentally then maybe I ever have been in my life.  That is the ultimate goal of this part of the process.

So far, I have been able to forgive myself for my past. In order to gain closure, I had to accept the things that I have done and choices I have made. By holding on to things, especially the “what if’s” associated with decisions, I am allowing myself to let something hinder my progress. They are excuses.  Excuses are just reasons created in our own minds to allow us to justify why we are not living up to our full potential.   I will no longer let myself be held back by excuses. I know that we all make mistakes and instead of being embarrassed or hurt by mine anymore, I am going to chalk it up to whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.   I have learned something from every experience and will take what I can from each situation to make me a better version of myself and prevent history from repeating. 

I have decided what people to hold on to and which ones to let go of.  In order to become more of the person I want to be, it is important that I make sure to surround myself with the right people.   I started with my phone, which is pretty much my life line, and purged anyone I didn’t think needed to be in there.  Far too often we hold on to people as “friends” when we either don’t talk to them anymore or can’t come up with valid reasons why we are friends.  Sure somewhere along the line, they may surprise you and come back to be your friend again but you can always cross that bridge when you come to it.  At this point, you have to do what you need to do for where you are at now and decide if that person is included. 

Finally, there are past relationships.  I have a friend who likes to mock me by asking, “Who are you stringing along now?” whenever he sees me.  I don’t want to be that girl but the truth is that I am.  All of my major relationships seem to be skeletons still lurking in my closet but recently, in one way or another, I have gotten closure for all of them.   In each case, I said everything I needed to say to them and now I am holding on to nothing.  Whether it was confessing feelings, admitting to the lack of feelings, or realizing that we are different than we used to be as a couple, I have made peace with each of these people and am no longer stringing anyone along.  I have tied up all the loose ends and the most important part is that I am not just saying that like I have in the past.   I believe it with all my heart this time and there no doubts in my mind. 

So as I approach my appointed deadline for completing my letting go stage, I am fully confident that I am going to enter 2011 with no baggage.  I am taking the right people forward with me and leaving the wrong ones behind.  I have no excuses left.  Everything from my past is what it is.  I can’t change it.   Moving forward, I hope to continue to apply my theories of forgiveness, evaluating relationships and tying up loose ends to my life as I go along rather than having it get so out of control that I have to do it all at one time like I am doing now. 

There are a few days left in 2010 and I urge each of you to find anything that has a hold on you and free yourself from it.  A new year is a new beginning and it’s important to start things off right.  Wipe the slate clean for yourself and make 2011 your best year yet. 

 “Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.”  - The Wonder Years

 “There’s no need to miss someone from your past – There’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future.” – Unknown

The Scary Age

For the past few weeks I’ve been working on setting up the foundation for this little project of mine.  With everything I’ve posted, I’ve hoped to paint a picture of what exactly got me to where I am and why I am choosing now to do this.  But in an attempt to recap a little, I am going to outline it all for you now.  I call it the foundation for this social experiment in change.  Basically the things that got me to my current state of mind is what started my whole want to make things different and I plan to build off of that initial desire.

When I was in college, I had a good friend who always said that 28 was the age where she would get married and settle into that next phase of her life.  If she was not there by that time, then that was the age when she would panic.  Let’s call this the Scary Age Theory.

Well at 22, that sounded like a great plan to me so somewhere along the line I adopted that philosophy on life.  Back then, 28 seemed like a million years away so I figured I had nothing to worry about.  This past March I hit the scary age.  I was now 28 years old with no boyfriend, no ring, and no prospects on the horizon.  However, my lack of relationship status wasn’t the aspect of my life that I was most panicked by. 

I wasn’t really content with my life as whole.  As I’ve said before, I felt disconnected.  There was no real passion or excitement behind the things I was doing and I felt more like I was just going through the motions rather than truly feeling alive.  I still had several ghosts of relationships past in my present preventing me from moving on to the future.  I am a Type A workaholic and I have issues saying no to people or putting myself first, which quite often leaves me feeling burnt out or stretched too thin.  Work was really the only place I had mild success but it also gave me the opportunity to hide from all the other aspects of my life that I was unhappy with.  And finally, since I was a kid I’ve had one major dream and that was to attend Penn State University.  At 18 years old, I got that dream and now I have a piece of paper hanging on my wall as a constant reminder that I made my dream come true but no idea what my next dream should be.

For years, I had been waiting around for life to fall into place and I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to do that.  The universe can only take you so far.  Fate or karma or whatever it is that you believe in are only going to be able to give you so much before you have to take over control of your own destiny.  It is easy for all of us to talk about doing things but then when it comes to actually following through, we lack motivation. I want to put my money where my mouth is, stop talking and start doing the things I say I'm going to do.  People constantly say if you're not happy with your life then change it so I'm giving it a shot.  I know there will be good days and bad days.  There will be days when I will stumble or fall and I will have to find the strength to pick myself up and keep going but there will also be days when I will fly.

So today I’ve given you a little recap of what inspired to me do all this.  I wanted to start here because like I said earlier, this is the foundation for me to build off.  I am starting with a desire to evolve, change and grow, which will hopefully be a solid base in which I will build the rest of my life upon.   Over the next few days I hope to enlighten you on other aspects of this journey.  I will take you through the three phases of this process and give you a little more insight into what I hope the ultimate destination will be.   Stay tuned!

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost (excerpt from The Road Not Taken)

Social Experiment

“You know people get up everyday, tell themselves something's gonna change their lives. They never do. I'm gonna change mine. Why don't you do it with me?” – Doug MacRay, The Town

Typically I end every post with a quote but this time I thought I’d start things off with one.  Today Santa decided to give the Northeast a nice belated Christmas gift so I am pretty much snowed in, which has given me plenty of time to catch up on my movies.  This afternoon I watched The Town and if you have never seen it, I completely recommend it.

Regardless of the fact that the movie was worth watching, the above quote stood out to me.  I have been on this whole change kick for a while now and I think it’s a good thing.  I’ve really focused in on what I want and am committed to putting forth my best effort to achieve my goals.  Call it a social experiment of sorts.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had several people tell me how much they have enjoyed my blog or that they’ve related to it but recently, I’ve been made very aware of the opposite opinion.  It’s some of the people closest to me that think I’ve completely lost my mind.  I know I over analyze everything and I can make shopping for groceries more dramatic that it has to be but I get to conclusions in my own way.  I think we all have to do that.

This week I intend to pretty much lay out my game plan for this “social experiment” of mine and really give you the insight into what I’m trying to accomplish.  I know some people are thinking I’m off my meds or crazy or something but honestly I am just documenting my road to figuring out what comes next for me. 

I think it is easy for someone who is not at this stage of their life to say that figuring everything out is effortless but for someone going through a change, it’s not so simple.  They say the first step to dealing with an addiction is admitting that you have a problem, which is exactly what I’m doing.  I’m admitting that I have an issue and I’m figuring out where to go from that admission.  I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life and the goal of all this is to change that and in turn be happy at that point no matter where that is.  I am fully aware that there are things I can control and things that I can’t but for the past few years I’ve been so concerned with the things I can’t that I’ve neglected working on the things I can.  It’s time to realign my priorities. 

Basically, that’s all I’m doing.  Figuring out what I want and deciding which of those things I can make happen.  I know that I can’t make myself fall in love and live happily ever after but I can do something about my desire to see the world or change my current situation.  Hopefully by changing the things I can, those that I can’t will fall into place.  They say life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans and maybe that is just what I’m trying to do.

So with only a few days left in 2010, I plan to let you all in on what my little social project is all about.  I hope that it will provide clarity to anyone who wants to know what this whole journey is meant to do and to the cynics out there, it doesn’t matter what you think.  I am not concerned about those who question my methods.  I am only concerned with one opinion and that is my own.  I didn’t start this for anyone but me and I’m not going to let it be impacted by anyone either.  I am not off my meds and I’m not ready for the padded room anytime soon.  There is no need to worry about me.  I will be better than fine.  I will be great.  Hopefully you will get on board, buckle up and just enjoy the ride with me. 

A Time For Tradition

One of my goals with this blog has been to try and change myself to become more of the person I want to be but at this time of year, I am reminded of  some of great things that I hope will never change.  We all have our traditions that we grow to depend on and I am extremely thankful for mine.

There is Christmas Eve day spent with the cousins and the night celebration with the neighbors followed by midnight mass and the post church after party.  Christmas day is brunch and Pollyanna gifts with the family.  August brings the Jersey Shore and the same beach house that we have been renting since I was a kid.  September, October, and November are all about PSU football which includes the Saturday tailgates in the usual spot with my Penn State Family.  Father’s Day is the girls’ dance recital.  Thanksgiving means going to Jersey and getting to enjoy the feast prepared by the Maloney men.  There is Black Friday shopping with my mom and Aunt Gale (now Uncle John) and the Christmas week shopping trip with Sean and Brian.

These are just a few of the many great traditions in my life that I hope I will always be able to hold on to.  They are comforting and something to look forward too.  We all have the things in our lives that remain the same regardless of time or life changing.  These traditions are important and help contribute to who we are. 

For all of you enjoying your traditions this holiday season, I hope you remember to value these moments.  Too often we take them for granted because they happen year after year but it’s so important to remember that when life is constantly changing, some things simply remain the same. 

"Preserving tradition has become a nice hobby, like stamp collecting." Mason Coolney

Luck of the Irish

There is sign hanging above the stairwell between the home team locker room and the tunnel to the field of Notre Dame Stadium that reads “Play Like A Champion Today”.  Now while I am a diehard Penn State fan, I find myself drawing a little inspiration from the Fighting Irish.

With two days left before Christmas, I would say that today is the equivalent of third down and long situation on the football field.  Will you step up and make the big play to lead your team down the field in hope of obtaining a victory or will you fold under the pressure? Are you ready to play like a champion today?

Now I know I might sound a little crazy but the other day as I went to my 5^th store looking for the elusive zebra pillow pet for my 8 year old cousin, I felt my competitive, never say die side kick in.  Sure I could have gone with the safe play to get an easy first down by getting one of the other pillow pet animals that I saw but I wanted the zebra.  I wanted to go for the big touchdown.  And the 5^th time was a charm!  I just wrapped up the oversized zebra pillow and I will admit that I felt a little twinge of success J

Most years I’m the one who’s completely done my Christmas shopping by the end of November but this year, I’ve had a little trouble getting motivated to shop.  So here it is, two days before Christmas, and I’ve still got a list of gifts that need to be purchased as well as several other things that have to be done.  It’s game time!  I know I need the big play to keep my team in the game today because tomorrow is definitely fourth down with one play left.  That’s a lot of pressure so I’m hoping for the big third down conversion today. 

For any of you in the same situation, I wish you the best of luck!  And in the week when we experienced the Miracle at the Meadowlands, I think it's safe to say that anything can happen! 

“Who cares how much effort I put in, if it doesn’t produce any results.” – Rudy (movie)

Happy Holiday To You

On Thanksgiving, I ended up in a conversation with my family where I was asked to pick my three favorite holidays.  This is actually a harder question than you might think because there are so many wonderful choices but I was pretty quick at coming up with my list.

My third favorite is the Fourth of July because it’s all about fun.  There’s no stress or gifts to buy, just BBQ’s, patriotic parades, and of course there are fireworks (I LOVE fireworks!).  My second choice was Christmas.  Everyone likes Christmas.  Beyond the gift aspect of the holiday, it’s just a really nice time of year and it’s almost impossible to not get wrapped up in the spirit of season.  And that left me with my first choice, my birthday.

This selection prompted the argument from my brother that my birthday is not a holiday and therefore was not an eligible choice but I stand by my pick.  My birthday may not be a national holiday but I definitely make it out to be.  I love birthdays and not just my own.  I think everyone should be a little extra special on their birthday.  It’s the only day of the year that celebrates you and the day you became a part of this world so why wouldn’t that be something worthy of holiday status?

On December 20^th, 1957, my Aunt Gale was born.  Today is her birthday.  I wasn’t there for that day so I don’t remember it but I think it’s a day worth celebrating.  There have been 28 December 20^th’s that I’ve been alive for and I’m sorry to say that I really don’t remember any of them.  However, I do remember November 8^th, 2008.  It was on that day that December 20^th became something other than a birthday.  It became the start date of a life and that cold day in November became the end.

Every year on November 8^th, we honor the memory of Gale’s death but on December 20^th, we should be celebrating the gift of her life.  She gave the world two amazing boys full of great promise and potential.  To one man, she gave her heart and the chance to be with his soulmate.  She was a constant friend and rock to her siblings, family and friends.  She touched the lives of many without even trying.  And to one girl, she was a godmother, a role model and a hero. 

Gale would have been 53 years old today and I wish I remembered more of her birthdays with the same vivid recollection that I have for her last day.  I may not be able to recall the gifts that I gave her or watching her blow out the candles on her birthday cakes but I do know that my life would not have been the same without her, so I will forever be thankful for this day in 1957. 

Birthdays may not be considered holidays to everyone but they should be.  The world is a better place with you in it and I can’t think of a more well deserved reason for something to be considered a holiday!  Maybe the whole world won’t celebrate with you but your whole world will and that’s all that matters.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY GALE!!! 

“If there's something that your dreaming of then may it all come true, because you deserve it all...Happy Birthday To You” - Unknown



Happy Birthday Gale!!! 

Back to Me

This week has been beyond crazy for me!  I had a ton of work to do, I was throwing a party, the holidays were creeping up and there was still so much shopping left to be done and I had commitments practically every night.  I definitely felt the stress taking its toll at several points and I know I couldn’t have made it through the week without my old friend Tony.

I’m kind of a type A over achiever/perfectionist, so I prefer to do things myself because then they can be done exactly how I want them to be.  However, by insisting that I handle everything, I often bite off a little more than I can chew.  This is where the stress comes into play.  Stress is an all too familiar feeling in my world but sometimes when life gets a little crazy and out of control, it’s nice to know how to bring myself back to being centered. 

I discovered Tony Lucca’s music when I was somewhere between high school and college and I instantly fell in love.  Nobody ever knows who he is but trust me; he’s an incredibly talented musician.  It’s the combination of his mellow style of music and beautiful lyrics that draw me to his songs.  There is just something about putting on some Tony Lucca that has the ability to completely calm me down and I can get lost in the music.  Over the years, Tony’s music has become like a very familiar friend that I can always count on when I need him to be there for me.  He’s songs have gotten me through break ups, break downs, and all the other drama in between.   This week, I listened to his music in order to get into a more mellow state of mind.  I had to shut out the world so I could focus and I needed a little help from Tony to do that.

It is important that when we are stressed or hurt or angry, that we find an outlet that can bring us back to feeling like us again.  Maybe you find comfort in music or movies.  Maybe it's books or working out or shopping that do it for you.  Whatever it is, we all need something that can calm the craziness in our lives and give us a retreat from the drama.  I think around this time of year especially, we need to rely on the things that give us a sense of statuary from all the holiday stresses.  I encourage each one of you to look for something that helps you escape from your problems if only for a little while.  Something that you feel is exactly what you need to regain your composure when you are feeling overwhelmed or just simply out of control.  

To inspire all of you to look for your own comforts, I am going to share my top Tony Lucca songs playlist.  His music might not have the same kind of affect for you that it does for me but hopefully it will make you think about the things that can bring you back to a better, more balanced place.  And if not, at least you get to listen to some great songs J

1)      Honestly for You – If I ever get married, I will fight to get this as my wedding song J

2)      Darlin’ I - Love, love, love this song.

3)      White Morning

4)      Some Other Time

5)      It’s You - AMAZING song and one of my all time favorites!

6)      Starting Over

7)      True Story – Listen to the HS sweetheart who became a movie star part. It’s Kerri Russell.

8)      Catch Me

9)      The Hustler, The Widow, and The Boy From Detroit

10)   Long Love Letter

11)   New York City

12)   Bad Guy

13)   Nobody But You

14)   Death of Me

15)   Pretty Things

I think that’s good enough but trust me I could go on for days with this list!

“Everyday I tell myself I’m sane, like a water color painter painting in the rain.” – Melancholy Collar, Tony Lucca

The Second Time Around

The other night I did something I hardly ever do. I went on a second date. Now I know that to most normal, rational people, a second date is no big deal but I think if you’ve been reading my blog, you know by now that I’m neither normal nor rational.


I’ve always been a boyfriend girl. For so many years I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and all of them were long term so being hesitant to commit was never really an issue for me. However, after my last relationship, it took me a little while to get back into the dating game.  When I did, I got burned a few times causing me to develop the theory that being non committal and unattached would keep me from getting hurt. On the other hand, it also prohibited me from getting involved.

You see, first dates are a trial. They are just two people testing each other out to see if this is someone they would like to bring into their lives. Some people call me picky when it comes to first dates but I think it’s more about trusting your instincts. I wouldn't mind being in relationship but I want it to be the right relationship. If I don’t think the guy has that potential after the first date, I don’t commit to a second one. Now I know I don’t have to decide if a guy is right or even relationship worthy by the second date, but if I don’t see it as a possibility, there is no point wasting anyone’s time including my own. When you go on a second date, you move from date to dating. It’s not a crazy, lifelong commitment or anything but it does give someone hope. Sure there is always the possibility that I will like the guy better the second time around but there’s always the possibility that my instincts will be right. It’s a 50/50 shot but ultimately I just don’t think it’s fair to lead someone on knowing that I’m not feeling it.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve developed some deep rooted relationship/commitment phobic type issues but since I’m working toward changing myself, I’m going to have break down my rules and give someone a chance. With this guy, a second date should have been a no brainer. The truth is that the first date was over a month ago and it exceeded all my expectations. After that date, I thought there would definitely be another one. He’s smart, funny, successful and cute. He was great on paper and practically perfect in person. It was really just a case of bad timing that kept me from committing to the second date. When I got his phone call last week to see if I wanted to get together, I realized that maybe the timing was right to pick up where we left off. I liked this guy.

It’s been two dates and I’m not saying it’s anything major but it’s nice to know after so many one and done dates, that there are still people out there that I can have chemistry with. We may even venture into uncharted territory with a third date but we’ll see what happens. With me you never know because there’s always the possibility that I will call an audible and give this guy the Heisman for no bigger reason than I’ve talked myself out of liking him. Yet another thing I have to stop doing!

The dating game is definitely harder than most people think and the rule book changes with every boy/girl. You try to play it smart but you can never really protect your heart if you want to be in the game. You need to trust the sparks, take risks on people and let yourself be vulnerable. You can’t make someone want you or force a fit but just because you get burned once or twice, it doesn’t mean that the possibility of something better isn’t right around the corner.

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” – A Cinderella Story

On The Edge Of Adventure

About 4 years ago I went cliff jumping in Vermont.  It was definitely one of the most daring things I have done in my life and something I never expected to do.  I remember climbing the cliff that I was about to jump off of thinking how amazing it was going to be.  However, when I got to the top, I froze thinking how stupid it actually was.  I watched three or four people launch themselves off the ledge and plummet into the water below.  As I stood there, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong.  What if the water wasn’t deep enough?  What if I didn’t jump out far enough? Could I really drown?  It took me ten minutes of pondering the downsides to finally gather up the courage to take the leap and of course, I lived to tell the tale.

Last night I found myself metaphorically back out on that ledge, looking down and contemplating taking a plunge into the great unknown.  This time I wasn’t on the edge of a cliff in Vermont but rather on a phone call that could provide me with another exciting and possibly terrifying adventure.  It took me 35 minutes to charm my interviewers and by 6:10pm on December 15^th 2010, I was officially being offered the opportunity of a lifetime.

I have been thinking of all the major commitments I wanted to make this year and with that one phone call I could cross two things off my list.  First off, volunteer for Habitat For Humanity.  I have a friend who has done some work for them and she has inspired me to get involved. It is an amazing organization that provides housing for those who need it.   The process involves volunteers as well as the future home owners working together to accomplish the task of building a home.   I like the idea of being part of something bigger than just myself and leaving my mark on the world by giving someone else the opportunity to change their life.  I feel that this is something I could be very passionate about and it will challenge me to learn a new skill and work harder than I may ever have before. 

The second thing I will get to do is a little larger than taking on yet another volunteer position.  I want to put another stamp in my passport.  While I have done a great deal of traveling over the years, I still have so many places that I want to visit.  Habitat was willing to give me that opportunity.  It would be a two week trip through their global village volunteer program and I would get to go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. 

So as I stood on the edge of the cliff, I once again had all the negatives and downsides swirling around in my head.  How would I pay for the trip?  Would I be able to take that much time off of work?  Am I really capable of building a house?  But this time, I didn’t need 10 minutes to contemplate and when the gentleman on the other end of the phone said, “Would you like to come to New Zealand?”, I responded instantly “YES!” 

I accepted with no hesitation, no regrets, and no fear.  Sure the obstacles are still there but they are out weighted by one very important pro.  I want this.  I am confident that I will be able to make this trip happen.  I will raise or save the money.  I have the vacation time and I can’t think of a better way to use it.  Construction may not be my background but I will learn. 

If I let these things hold me back, then I would miss out on getting all the benefits that this unexpected adventure could offer me.  I will have the chance to meet new people from all different places and backgrounds when we come together as a team to create something for someone who deserves it.  It is an opportunity to see another part of the world and not just as a tourist but rather up close and in the community.  I will experience the culture and the lifestyle and see things that I would never have gotten to see if I just took this trip as a vacation.

It’s scary standing out there on the ledge of a cliff but I am ready to jump and plummet down into the water below.  I am leaving all the pros and cons behind me and just going for it.  I am confident that this will be a life changing experience and I will not regret my decision.  I won't drown. I am an excellent swimmer so bring on the water!

 “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

For the Love of the Game

There was no press conference to make the announcement.  There was no ESPN special.  No one was taking their talents to South Beach and money was left on the table.  All there was was a simple man with extraordinary talent making a decision to play the game that he loved in a place that was screaming “Welcome Home”.

When I woke up this morning to check the Giants score in hopes that they had lost to the Vikings last night, I almost had a heart attack when the ESPN.com homepage loaded a giant picture of Cliff Lee in a Phillies uniform.  Upon reading the news, I was instantly excited and a little shocked.  In my mind, there was no way that the Phillies could have competed with the New York Yankees or the Texas Rangers when it came to compensation which meant that Cliff Lee in Philly was not an option.  As I continued reading, I got a little choked up knowing that when it all came down to it, the decision was made based on the ideal of following your heart rather than show me the money. 

I love sports.  It’s a love that is true and above all else, it is pure and uncomplicated.  Everyone has their teams and you bleed for them.  True fans possess an unwavering sense of loyalty.  Through the good years and the bad, you stand by your team and start every new season with the hope of this being “the year”.   Close games have the ability to make you feel nervous butterflies and great moments give you a sense of joy that tugs at your heart strings, sends chills up your spine, and puts a smile on your face. 

But with this one decision, we see a side of sports that we don’t always get to see.  Today, Cliff Lee showed us class.  He showed us heart.   Sure, Lee will have quite the paycheck for the next few years but it could have been bigger.  And yes, the Phillies have become an elite baseball powerhouse so the chance to be a World Series contender is also available to him in Philadelphia but in sports nothing is guaranteed and it’s always anyone’s ballgame.  For Lee, it was all about finding a place that he felt connected to and that is something that goes beyond just dollars and cents.  He was searching for the right fit.

Personally, I am not a money motivated person.  Money is nice but the truth is that it sometimes consumes us.  We spend all our lives trying to make it, most of the time there never seems to be enough of it, and even if we have it, it can’t buy us happiness, just things.  No amount of money can buy the feeling you got when you picked up a basketball and learned to dribble.  There is no price tag on scoring your first touchdown.  The only cost of winning the 100M dash at your track meet is the blood, sweat and tears that went into your preparation for the event.  No money is exchanged for the delight you get when your team wins the big game or you get to see a buzzer beater finish.  Yes, the tickets for the major sporting events or the equipment you need to play cost money, but the feelings and passion come at no charge.  The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat are free.

I am happy that Cliff Lee is a Phillie again but not just as a diehard Philadelphia fan.  I am happy because of how he did it.  In the year when LeBron James broke the hearts of every person in Cleveland by going on national television and publicly breaking up with the city who loved him, it is nice to see someone in a similar position pick up the phone and thank a team that has been good to him even though he has decided to go in another direction.  Cliff Lee showed class in leaving Texas and showed heart in choosing to play in Philadelphia despite the lesser salary.  It’s a common America Proverb that states, “the best things in life are free,” and although Cliff Lee was far from free or even a bargain, the excitement we will get when he takes the mound knowing that he could have picked any city but chose Philadelphia will be something that we could never buy.  We should keep in mind today that tax brackets change and money comes and goes, but pride, integrity and heart are priceless.  And of course for everything else there is Master Card J

“The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey.  The old ballplayer played for the name on the front.  The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.” -  Steve Garvey (Baseball Player)

A Walk To Remember

I woke up this morning to a tapping at my window.  I sleepily rolled over to try to ignore it but it didn’t stop.  As I looked at the clock, I noticed that it was only 6am on a Sunday but it was clear that regardless of the time, the tapping was not going to go away.  So I got up and ventured to the window to see who was so desperate to wake me from my slumber.

Outside through the early morning darkness, I saw him.  It was rain.  It was ironic that he paid me a visit this morning because I was just talking about him last night.   His ears must have been burning!  He beckoned to me to come out and join him.  I knew there was no sense in resisting so I got dressed and went outside. 

I walked through the streets of my little town with him.  The buildings and houses were dark and the roads were faintly lit by the florescent glow of the street lamps.  It was an unseasonably warm December morning for our stroll and rain took me by the hand, as he had done so many times before, and we walked.  The soft drops fell quickly, cascading down my face and saturating my hair but I didn’t mind at all. It was the perfect walk with an old friend.

But just as I prepared to bid my companion goodbye, rain decided that he hadn’t had enough of me yet.  I reached in my pocket only to find that my apartment keys were no longer there causing me to have to repeat my walk.  At this point, I was a little mad at my good friend.  We had had a lovely morning and now he was pushing it.  Rain knew I was not happy with his little practical joke so as I headed back home for the second time, he lightened up his deluge and transformed himself into a soft sprinkle. 

He knew I couldn’t stay mad at him.  This time I gripped my keys for dear life but I still took pleasure in splashing through the puddles that rain had so nicely laid out just for me.  The cars whizzing by probably thought I was nuts and looked like a drowned rat but I didn’t care.  It was my walk with rain and they just didn’t understand our relationship.

You see most people think that rain is dark and dreary but that’s where they’re wrong.  Rain just needs someone to come out and play with him.  He’s not always there but when he does stop by he wants you to come splash in his puddles and dance in his drizzle.  Great things can happen in the rain but the best part about it is that rain just happens.  You can’t conjure it up or force it.  You just have to wait and trust that one day the rain will come and with it, the magic.

This might not be my normal type of post but today I just felt like I wanted to share my rainy day :)  Enjoy your Sunday!!

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain" - Dolly Parton

Great Expectations

Today I want to revert back to a post I put up last week about flipping the switch.  I wrote about having to finally let someone go and end the book that was our story and it’s something I’ve had a lot of time to think about this week.  Now even though I asked that this person not to respond to me, I knew that he was incapable of respecting that request and a huge part of me wanted that response, just not the response I got. 

When I got my reply, my first reaction was that it was pretty weak but as I thought more about it, I realized it was the same kind of unattached, politically correct response that I had been getting from him the entire time I’ve known him so I don’t know why I expected anything more. 

This brought me back to a theory my mom has about expectations.  She says that the secret to life is low expectations, which is definitely not a policy I follow.  I tend to expect a lot from people.  This may without a doubt be my Achilles heel.  I don’t mean to hold people to these standards nor do I do it in a malicious way, I just want to see people be the best versions of themselves and of course when I’m involved I want them to do the things that I want so that I get my desired outcome (who doesn’t?!).  The truth is that people have to make their own decisions and follow their own hearts and sometimes your wants and your hearts don’t match up.  No matter how much I try to keep that in mind, there are times that I do forget it. 

Now back to the boy.  I wrote that we were closing the book and although I stand by that statement, I don’t think our story is done.  The book we had been writing was based on a naïve 18 year old girl in jean overalls and a 21 year old baby faced frat boy, neither of which are the people we are today.  It was a great story and one that I will definitely treasure forever but it’s time to move on.  Close that book and write a new one based on who we are now and who we will become rather than the way we were.  There can always be a sequel and sometimes they even end up better than the original (Mighty Ducks 2 anyone?).

The next book might be another love story or it might be something completely different.  There might be more characters involved and maybe we’ll even play smaller parts in the tale but regardless, it will be written moving forward.  If I didn’t close the last book I would always expect him to live up to the expectations I had and it’s not fair for me to expect him to be someone he does not want to be.

This was not an easy realization to come to and I’ve gone back and forth before reaching this mature point of clarity.  I went through frustration and disappointment and I definitely tapped into some anger.  The theories of me being a first round draft choice and a starter not some third string scrub you put in the game when you’ve exhausted all your other options were thrown around quite a bit but those feelings have all since passed (thank you Amy and Brad for putting up with my rants!).  I’ve reached mature, calm, and composed.  I feel like such a grown up!

All I know is that this person has been someone very special in my life for years and I didn’t always want to admit that.  In many ways, he has helped make me the person that I am and has influenced the person I would like to be.  I’ve spent 10 years watching him go from boy to man from afar and I’m sure I’ll spend many more years still watching his transformation.  He is inspiring and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things he will do because he is destined for greatness.

In hindsight, I’m glad I put everything out there and said the things I wanted to say.  Even though it didn’t go exactly how I would have liked it to, I no longer have to carry around the “what ifs” and I can move on accepting the situation as it is.   If you are holding on to something because you are afraid of the outcome, either let it out or let it go.  It’s a risk to put yourself out there and the truth is that things may not end the way you want them to but there is always that possibility that you will be surprised and get exactly what you want.  And if you don’t, then you can move on with the situation you’ve been given without the rose colored glasses that you wear when you are always wondering “what if”.

"Life isn't then.  Life isn't when.  Life is this, here, now." - October Road

Hi, My Name Is Single?!

Last week I went to jewelry party and although it was a really fun event, I had a specific conversation that stood out in my mind long after the party was over.  It might get a little Sex and the City here so bare with me as I channel my inner Carie Bradshaw.

The woman who hosted the party and her husband have been long time family friends and the other attendees were mostly people I knew already, with the exception of a few.  One of the guests that I didn’t recognize was the niece of the people hosting the event and she was there with a friend of hers.  Both looked to be about my age, I figured late twenties or early thirties.   I really didn’t speak to them much during the party until the end of the night when I happened to mention where I was living to someone and they over heard.  It turned out both girls lived near where I do so I got to talking to one of them but within the first few sentences she decided to lay all her cards on the table as she blurted out, “I’m 34 and single”. 

I really wish I could have been standing in front of a mirror at that time because my face had to be pretty priceless!  Part of me was shocked over the fact that I had just met this girl and all I knew was her name, where she lives and now her relationship status.  Another part of me was confused because where exactly do you go from there with the conversation?  Do you go with sympathy and say I’m so sorry for you or maybe cling to the optimistic side and say don’t worry it will happen one day?  I could have pried into her personal business and asked her why she was single because she seemed like such a great girl but I had just met her so that felt intrusive.  And of course I could always just be relatable and tell her I felt her pain but none of those really seemed to fit this conversation.  I went with the ever popular subject change and asked her what she did for a living.  When in doubt, avoid the elephant in the room!

When I left the party I couldn’t stop thinking about this conversation.  I didn’t remember her name.  I didn’t remember what she told me she did for a living.  All I remembered about this girl was that she was 34 and single.  The truth is that even though my age may be different, my relationship status is the same as hers so I know where she is coming from, however, my name is not single. 

There are a lot of interesting things about me and single is not one of them so the thought of using that fact in a conversation would never cross my mind.  But for many people, girls especially, we let titles like “single” define us.  We can be executives or scholars or philanthropists but when it comes down to it, all that can be wiped away by the giant name tag we have to wear that says, “Hi, my name is single”.

Personally, it's taken me a long time to realize and come to terms with it but I am single by choice.  Sure it would be easy to settle for the wrong guy just to say that I’m in a relationship and never have to be the odd wheel at a function again but what’s the point?  Inevitably that will just blow up like a grenade one day, leaving you right back where you started or you might not be available when the right person comes along. 

Why is being single always met with pity?  Where is my praise for not picking the wrong person?  What happened to my pat on the back for not settling for what’s available and holding out for what’s right? Is it really fair to date someone just so you don’t have to be alone?  I would rather be single than stuck in a situation leading someone else on while I know that I’m not as into it as they are.

It was my conversation at this party that made me realize that I don't want to be the girl wearing the name tag announcing to the world that she is single.  I want to let my accomplishments or my interests speak for me in a conversation, not my lack of a relationship.  So I'm single and I'm going to rock it but it's not my identity.  Single is more of a wardrobe choice.  It's the style I'm choosing to wear right now but in fashion, styles and trends change every day.  I know I'll reinvent my look at some point but it has to be a look that fits me.  Some people just can't pull off certain styles and that's ok because the right look for them will come together eventually.  In the meantime, you just have to have fun trying on different trends and seeing if they work for you.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Carrie Bradshaw

The Girl Who Never Got a Cabbage Patch Doll

I’ve had some issues getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  It’s not that I’ve been grinchy or anything, just sort of blah.  I haven’t thought about decorating, I haven’t sent a single card yet or baked a single cookie.  Even the idea of shopping isn’t incising, which if you know me is odd because shopping is my favorite form of cardio.  Overall it just doesn’t feel like this holiday is close, let alone right around the corner but I think I’m finally snapping out of it.

A lot of people have been asking me what I want for Christmas this year so I started making my list.  As I wrote down leather camera bag, Michael Kohrs white and gold watch, and Beverly Hills 90210 DVDs (which I ask for every year according to my 13 year old cousin), I started thinking about Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Now at 28 years old, I am of course not asking for a Cabbage Patch Doll this Christmas but I thought back to a time in my life when that was all I really wanted.  Yes of course I got some wonderful Christmas gifts and Santa was always very good to me but for some reason, he never seemed to bring me a Cabbage Patch Doll.  I think I asked for this toy for at least five years if not more and still to this day it is that one item that stands out in my mind when I make my Christmas list. 

So the other day, while I was in Toys R Us shopping, I felt drawn to the doll section.  I just wanted to take a look at the dolls that I once longed for but to my surprise there were no Cabbage Patch Dolls to be found in the store.  Then I was in Target and I felt the need to check their doll aisle to see if they had any but again there was nothing.  Even though I had no intension of buying one of these dolls, I was still disappointed in the fact that something that was once so important to me, was no longer there.  Even though I have out grown dolls, it was still a comfort to know that they were there in the aisle of the toy store if I ever decided I wanted one.

I was definitely disappointed by the lack of Cabbage Patch Dolls but I decided to turn my disappointment into something positive.  When I lived in my last place, I used to be big on throwing parties, especially for holidays, but when I moved into my current apartment, I got away from that for one reason or another.  Throw a party in my apartment is something on my check list of things to do that I say I’m going to do but don’t ever seem to do and maybe now was the right time.  Plus I had a great concept.

A lot of people throw Christmas parties and some have themes but I wanted mine to be unique.  Leave it to the event planner to come up with something different J.  So in attempt to shake my Christmas funk, I decided to throw a Christmas Morning themed party (just a theme not actually held on Christmas morning).  Basically, everyone should come dressed in their PJ’s and all the food will go along with the breakfast theme but the real essence of the party is that I am asking everyone to bring a new, unwrapped toy to be donated to Toys for Tots.  This way while we party like its Christmas morning, we will also be helping make someone else’s Christmas morning a little better.  Maybe we will even get someone the one gift they’ve always wanted, just like my Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hopefully one day when I think back on the Christmas of 2010, I will not focus on my lack of holiday spirit or the ridiculously over priced watch that I didn’t get (I at least had to ask!) or the fact that there were no more Cabbage Patch Dolls in the toy stores but instead I will think of the way I feel now at the idea of getting to do something good for someone else this Christmas.   That might be the best gift I get this year!



Merry Christmas to ME!



If you’re having a hard time finding that holiday cheer, don’t worry!    Maybe you need a visit to the mall with friends to take pictures with Santa or the chance to sing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the top of your lungs while driving in the car.  It might take until Christmas morning when you get that gift you never expected or when you get a Christmas card in the mail from a friend or Christmas eve when realize that you get to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story (who doesn't love a good Ralphie fix) but eventually you'll get swept up in the Christmas cheer.  That’s the real beauty of this holiday.  No matter how hard you try to fight it, you can’t help but get wrapped up in the excitement of the season.  And Christmas spirit is contagious so hopefully my new found joy will help you find yours too!

"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens (even Scrooge finally came around!)