Jogging Down Memory Lane

The other day I wrote a post about knowing when to walk away from something and letting go.  Ironically, the next day my brother sent me a text message reminding me of my “glory days” which took me right back to a past life.

If you don’t live in the Philadelphia area or follow track and field, you probably know little if anything about the Penn Relays and the truth is, you’re missing out.  While track and field is nowhere near as popular as football or baseball or many sports for that matter, this weekend runners from various parts of the world gather in Philadelphia to participate in the oldest and largest track competition held at University of Pennsylvania’s historic Franklin Field.   The Penn Relay Carnival features athletes from various skill levels including professional, college, high school and even elementary school.  For me, it was one of the most incredible opportunities of my life and I was extremely fortunate to the get the chance to run the 4x100 relay on the legendary track four times during my short lived track and field career.

There is no feeling quite like stepping out on the rust colored rubber of the track at Franklin Field.  As you wait in the paddock area, stretching and pacing all to help choke down the nerves that are swirling through your stomach, you contemplate the immensity of what lies before you.  One race is all you are guaranteed.  As the weight of that fact slowly sinks into your subconscious, sweat begins to lubricate your palms as you to pray over and over in your head, “don’t let me drop the baton”.  You gather with the three other people who also hold your team’s fate in their hands and practice the mechanical motions that you have set up to ensure the perfect passing of the hollow medal stick.  The calls of “Go”, “Stick”, or “Hand” can be heard in constant repetition as teams warm up.  One by one, they hear their names called and are placed into lines with the other competitors who will make up their heat.  Each heat takes the track leaving the one behind them anxiously awaiting the end of their race.

As you walk on the spongy surface of the track towards your allotted relay position, you try with all your might to focus on the task at hand but you can’t help but glace up at the faces of the crowd sitting in the stands and staring down just waiting to see what you will do.  Starters practice what they hope will be the perfect beginning to the race.  They crouch down to lean on their figures and envision the roar of the gun before pushing their feet off the starting blocks and launching themselves forward.  The second, third and final leg runners carefully try to remember the number of steps they need to mark off to let them know exactly when to start running so that the previous runner can begin to command them.  The shortness of the exchange zone is the number one worry running through their minds as they reassure themselves that they will do whatever it takes to make sure they have the baton within its confines.  Every runner is shaking hands, arms or legs trying to stay loose and manage the emotions raging through their bodies. 

The nerves reach an overwhelming peak as the starters are called to line.  Runners take your mark! They place their hands on the ground, fingers gently kissing the line in front of them but still firmly planted behind it and kick their feet into the blocks.  Get set!  They push themselves up preparing to pounce.  BOOM! 

Within seconds the race is over.  Some runners fall or drop the baton.  Some, despite all their careful planning, mess up a hand off and find themselves disqualified for leaving the zone.  Others just simply come up short for no better reason than the fact that another team was better.  Some are just thankful to have been there while others feel pain of the heartbreak as they walk off the track, hanging their heads in defeat.   Then there are the few teams that cross the finish line first.  These teams get an immediate thrill of hope and joy in knowing that they won but they are quickly brought back down to earth when they remember that it is not winning or losing that will determine whether they get to stand among the elite that will get another chance to race but rather it is the time on the clock that will hold their fate.   

Most people think that track is nothing more than running around in circles and wonder where the fun is in that but I say watch a 4x100 relay and I dare you to not see the fun in it.  As for how this all relates to letting go and knowing when to walk away, I am reminded that when one stage of your life ends, it leaves memories behind like bread crumbs marking the path that you took.  You can always take a jog down memory lane to remember where you’ve been, even long after you've crossed the finish line of that particular race.   

“Life is often compared to a marathon, but I think it is more like being a sprinter; long stretches of hard work punctuated by brief moments in which we are given the opportunity to perform at our best.”  - Michael Johnson

All Things End

Now I’m sure for a girl who’s been so focused on change this year, it is going to surprise you when I say that I actually don’t like change.  It’s a Nicki Minaj song that says, “I wish that I could have this moment for life” and sometimes we all wish that we could hang on to a situation or a memory or a moment.  If something is good we want to keep it but ultimately change is inevitable.  It comes whether we like it or not and sometimes we have to let go before the moment lets go of us.

I don’t like change for two reasons.  One, I have an irrational fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect or what is going to happen next scares me.  Branching out, leaving the familiar and entering into something I have no idea about is terrifying.  Lately, I’ve let that fear go.  What we don’t know can be scary or it can be exciting, depending upon how we choose to see it.  I’m going to give the unknown the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best.

That leads me to my second reason, which is that I have a problem letting go.  If something is good, I want to live in that happy time or situation for as long as I can but ever chapter eventually has to end.  If you try to avoid that point, you will only end up overstaying your welcome and the moment becomes something completely different with or without your cooperation.

In order to really change, I realized early on that I would have to let go.  So I packed up my baggage and attempted to leave it all in 2010.  However, I have been holding on to more than just baggage.  Letting go isn’t just about leaving the negative things behind me but also about saying goodbye to things when it is their time to end.  I’ve realized recently, that many things in my life have reached or past their expiration dates but I’ve been too scared to say goodbye. 

Holding on to things because they once were good is nothing more than living in the past.  One moment may be over but by letting go, you’re just making way for new moments to take its place.  Eventually all things run their course and we just have to be smart enough to know when to walk away. 

“Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

Bigger Than Tastycakes and Cheesesteaks

I’m used to the jokes and the jeers and the Philadelphia haters but I will admit that for an outsider, Philadelphia is a tough little city to understand.  It is often the forgotten middle child falling in between the great metropolis of New York City and the epicenter of our government otherwise known as Washington, DC.  It’s the city that’s accustomed to heartbreak and constantly watching Pittsburgh, our step sibling to the west, flash their black and yellow from the route of a championship parade.  This may be how the world sees us but for those who claim the city of brotherly love as home, we know otherwise.  To the inhabitants of this area, we are the prideful city constantly perched on the edge of greatness even if everyone else considers us nothing more than a stop on I-95 sandwiched between The City and The Capital City while sharing a turnpike with The City of Champions. 

The truth is that figuring out Philadelphia can be pretty black and white or better yet, red and white, green and black, or at this moment, black and orange.   The heart of a true Philadelphian is held by our sports teams.  The desire for sports greatness is bigger than our cravings for Tastycakes and cheesesteaks.  We fly and fall with the Eagles, deal with the constant mediocrity of the 76 Sixers, and put our high hopes on the shoulders of the Phillies but right now our championship dreams lie with our beloved Flyers.  Love hockey or hate hockey, if you cut anyone in this city open today, we will bleed black and orange.   

16 teams compete in the NHL playoffs; all with dreams of being the last team standing and the only team that gets to raise Lord Stanley’s Cup.  Last year, the Flyers sniffed deeply and got a whiff of glory during their unbelievable and unexpected road to the finals but in the end were left with nothing more than the bitter taste of defeat in their mouths as they watched the Chicago Blackhawks dine on greatness on Philadelphia ice.  The will is there.  The want is there.  The desire is there.  But the question still remains, is that enough to bring the cup back to Broad Street? 

You may consider Philadelphia nothing more than a city with sibling rivalry and a sports problem but I prefer to call it home.  Maybe we are living in the shadows of those around us or maybe we have the will, the want and the desire for greatness but still come up short.  Regardless of the outcome, we will move on, change our colors and get ready to cheer a new chant because as one season ends, another begins.   We possess an unyielding loyalty that even through heartbreak, hope still remains.   Win or lose, we will always live to play another day. You may think a lot of things about Philadelphia but it's ok.  Underestimate us because that is when we thrive. The world may not know how great we are but they will. 

Tonight, dressed in my black and orange, I pray for a little greatness just like I have so many times before.  It’s game seven and in Philadelphia that means win or move on to 100% devotion to baseball season. 

“Philly fans are great. Everybody complains about them being the meanest. That may be true. But, at the same time, they're great because it does get you into the game." - Michael Strahan

Serendipity

I love to read.  I love being able to step into the shoes of a character and disappear into their world.  It’s make believe at its finest.  Well last week, I picked up the book “Something Borrowed” by Emily Giffin because I really wanted to read it before the movie version came out and today as I was reading the last few chapters, I stumbled upon a passage that stood out in my head. 

The main character of this novel is Rachel, a love challenged 30 year old girl struggling to come to terms with the fact that in life and love things are hardly black and white.  At one point, when trying to deal with another bump in the road of her life, she says, “Maybe the thing to do after you roll the dice – and lose – is simply pick them up and roll them again”.  It’s an interesting thought but one I think sums up my present state pretty well. 

Right now I’m rolling the dice, again.  So far I haven't had that lucky streak but as I wait for them both to fall and reveal my magic number, I must admit that I’m excited.  I’m probably more excited than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  I have no idea what I’m doing for the first time since I can remember and no desire to stress myself out trying to formulate a plan.  Today I realized just how unbelievable that is.

Sometimes there is blissfulness in being naïve.  Not knowing everything is refreshing.  Not expecting things but just taking things as they come can lift weights off your shoulders.  We can stress or plan or prep or prepare for life but we often forget to factor in a little luck or chance which happens to be a huge part of the equation.  Rolling the dice can be scary but maybe it can bring you something truly unexpected and amazing.  Serendipity!

“Serendipity.  Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs that what you thought you were looking for.” – Lawrence Block

What's Meant To Be

Lately, so much of my life is up in the air that I am really having a hard time juggling it all and trying to put the pieces in order.  It’s almost overwhelming at times but I keep coming back to one simple idea.  Fate.

Fate, according to Wikipedia, refers to destiny, an inevitable course of events.  Basically, what is meant to be will be.  Sounds like a pretty passive way to go about your life but still it can be comforting to know that somewhere out there in the universe, there is a plan for you and we are all just trying to locate the blueprint.

Some people find it really hard to believe in the idea of “meant to be”.  To believe that this theory actually exists means that you would have to release control of your life and let the world take you where you are "meant" to go.  As a society we are often too wrapped up in the idea of needing to be in control everything that the thought of being so passive seems insane.  Despite the fact that I definitely like to take control in life, I am actually really ok releasing my life to the fates.

My life is going somewhere.  Where, I have no idea but I am going to figure all this out in a way that I wouldn’t normally go about things.  My natural reaction would be to weigh all the aspects of a decision.  Write about, pro/con list it, and basically drive everyone in my life completely crazy by over obsessing about it to the point where I even annoy myself.  You never would have guessed that, huh?  Well this time, I’m rolling the dice and letting fate take hold. 

Maybe we all ultimately make our own fate or maybe there is a force out there in the world that is pulling the strings for us but regardless I’m hoping that the right path will appear and in the end, I will find myself exactly where I am meant to be.  This may all be a bit cryptic right now but as soon as I have some more definites, you all will be the first to know.

“Fate only takes you so far, then it’s up to you to make it happen.” - Unknown

Checking Off The List

Outside, the rain teemed down from the sky like sheets of water falling from above.    Inside, the down pour seemed a million miles away but a different kind of flood filled the halls of the building.  A shiver from the chill of the air conditioning mixed with the overwhelming excitement went up my spine as I found myself immersed in a sea of orange.   A massive amount of energy filled the oversized room creating a surge of pure natural electricity so powerful that if harnessed it would light the entire city.   You could hear the beating of nervous hearts perfectly in sync with the seconds ticking off the clock as we got closer and closer to the start of the battle.  The lights dimmed.  A brief moment of anticipating silence was shattered by the overpowering roar of the crowd that echoed off the walls of the arena.  Let the hoopla began.  Welcome to playoff hockey.

Saturday, down in the series 1-0 to an underrated Buffalo Sabers team, the Philadelphia Flyers took to the ice.  I was there.   I had never been to a playoff anything and I finally had my chance.  Looks like I can cross one more thing off my list.  Oh and they won J

“Every day is a great day for hockey.” – Mario Lemeiux

Why Ask Why

Have you ever asked the question “Why Me?”  When you ask this question, is there ever really an acceptable answer to put yourself or your worries at ease?  We constantly wonder why things happen to us, especially when they are negative, but do we actually want to know the answers?

Throughout my life I’ve asked myself why millions, if not billions, of times.  In most cases, I know the why but it easier to play dumb as more of a defense mechanism because you don't want to admit to the real reasons why something happened.  Then there are the times when you are thrown much larger issues with no real clear answers making the why completely unattainable.

The other day, I witnessed a why me situation and as I struggled to help someone else find the answer to that question, I realized that knowing the why doesn’t always bring the comfort we seek.  Maybe we ask why because we don’t know what else to ask. 

We want answers because we don’t understand but we feel the need to.  If we get the answers, do they really end up making us feel better?  Knowing why something happened might give us a reason but it doesn’t erase what happened.  Sometimes those whys can't be answered and if that's the case and we never get the answer we seek, will we ever truly be able to accept the fact that the question may simply be rhetorical?

"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question." -Yogi Berra

The Power Of Suggestion

So last Saturday I asked the question what comes next.  Now I know I’ve pondered that question over and over again in terms of my life but at that point I was referring to something much less important.  Two weeks in a row, two horoscopes in Life and Style magazine, two dead on predictions.  It was all looking pretty good in my world.  So much so that I felt like I needed to spend the $2.99 to get a copy of this week’s magazine.  Well, I think it’s pretty safe to say that this week’s horoscope is definitely a swing and a miss!

Pisces:  Big changes in your love life have you considering throwing caution to the wind and taking a crazy chance.  Let yourself have a little fun.

It’s honestly a nice thought but since my love life is basically nonexistent and has been for the better part of three or four years now, I’m not thinking that the all knowing gossip rag is going to be right about this being the week that it will all magically change.  Of course I know anything can happen at any moment and life can change in an instant but the odds are stacked against me here.  I’m currently on a boy break which is actually working out quite well for me and when it comes to love, I’m about as lucky as someone who broke a mirror, had a black cat cross their path, and walked under a ladder all on the same day.  Maybe at the end of the week I will be eating those words but something tells me the only guaranteed thing that can be predicted for me this week is that I will have wasted $2.99 on a copy of Life and Style Magazine when the same gossip will be printed in the US Weekly that I get delivered to me every week in the mail. 

But as always we can learn something here.  It’s probably pretty unlikely that our fate can be predicted in a magazine or newspaper but maybe it can just help us to make our own fortunes.  Maybe these predictions aren’t exactly far off guesses at our future but rather ideas and thoughts that we should swirl around in our heads and act on from time to time.  A horoscope gives us a prediction and sometimes all we need is someone (or in this case something) to give us a suggestion to help make us more willing to go for things. 

“Who needs astrology?  A wise man gets by on fortune cookies.” – Edward Abbey (should have gone with the cookie.  It probably tastes better than the magazine.)

Anything But Vanilla

This morning my alarm went off at 6:11am and I woke up, turned on the TV and got dressed for work.  I was in the car by 8:30am and I drove the same roads I drive Monday through Friday back to the town I know better than any other place in the world.  I finished my eye liner in the rear view mirror of my car while sitting in the parking lot of my office building and then I grabbed my purse and laptop bag and walked inside for yet another day of work.  I strolled down the short hallway to my cubicle, sat down, plugged in my computer and logged on at ten of 9.  It was somewhere around this time during my routine morning that I realized my life is vanilla.

Ok so I admit that life isn’t always going to be exciting.  There is a lot of ordinary items that have to be taken care of but there is a fine line between routine and boring.  I think that sometimes we don’t realize exactly when we are walking on that boring side of the line.  Of course there is always the upside to routine and that is that nothing bad is happening but is that enough of a reason to just coast through every day without actually making any of those days stand out? 

So today, I say break the rut!  On my living room wall, I have a quote that says, “We don’t remember days, we remember moments” and I think we should always be looking to make some moments.  Go out and do something today you wouldn’t normally do.  It doesn’t matter what it is, just something different.  Meet a friend for happy hour after a long day, stay out a little later tonight, kiss someone you've always wanted to (if your single), stop tonight for dinner out instead of at home or maybe treat yourself to a manicure.  Watch the baseball game at a bar instead of sitting on your couch, actually book that trip you’ve been talking about taking, take the long way home from work just to listen to the radio and try to win those concert tickets you want, or anything to just add a little something to what might otherwise be a plain vanilla kind of day. 

In a year or even a few weeks, you probably won’t look back on this day and remember exactly what you did but tonight when you go to bed, I guarantee you will smile because today was a good day.  Today was different.  And who knows, maybe for some of you, it will be doing something different that will be the difference in your life.  You never know what can happen. 

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back."  - Maya Angelou

This Is Only A Test

This month I’ve decided to test the theory of you get what you give.  I want to find out if you really devote yourself to achieving something, can you actually make it happen.  Personally I feel like I’ve taken a lot of the necessary steps to move my life forward but I still feel like I’m staying still.  Sure I go through peeks and valleys but ultimately, I don’t think I’m really where I want to be and I want to make sure I’m at least headed in that direction.

So my question is, if you put in the blood, sweat and tears, will it get you where you want to go?  If it is true that you get what you put in, how much do you have to devote to something to truly make it happen?

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat." - Winston Churchill

Write What You Know

So I’ve decided to give up the drama that usually engulfs my life and redirect my energy to something more productive like writing.  By now it’s a well known fact that I want to be writer and I’ve even started writing my novel for like the 500^th time.  I’m always good with the starting part, it’s the finishing part that seems to be my Achilles heel but tonight as I was working on my most recent story, I realized I might be going in the wrong direction.

Mark Twain said to write what you know.  Sounds easy huh?  Well sure it does sound easy but it’s not actually that simple.  I have a lot of opinions and over 29 years I had to have gained some sort of valuable knowledge but every time I put pen to paper, I realize just how little I really do know. 

Take my current project for example.  Ultimately it’s a love story.  Of course there is more to it but in the end it’s definitely a typical, predictable, and always crowd pleasing style of story.  Tonight I was brainstorming my idea and trying to figure out where it was going but I was having some trouble.  The whole concept just seemed bland and over done.  There was no gimmick or hook to make my story stand out from the thousands of other boy meets girl, happily ever after tales that reside on bookshelves around the world. 

 I decided to step away from working for a little bit and took break to enjoy one of the many cheesy TV shows that I enjoy.  Go figure that a little Secret Life of the American Teenager was exactly what I needed!  In the opening of the episode, one of the characters talks about writing a how to type of book and is told that you have to be successful at the thing you are writing about in order for it to sell.  Translation – write what you know.

I’ve been trying to write this perfect, magical story about true love and happy endings but what do I know about that?  If you’ve read my blog, then you know that I am anything but an expert when it comes to matters of the heart.  How can you write you a love story when you’ve never lived a love story?  It’s not to say that I one day I won’t have my very own love story but today isn’t quite that so why am not writing the kind of story I do know about?

You see, sometimes we are so eager to write the story about what we want that we end up missing the story we are writing right now.  It’s easy to imagine our hearts desires and fantasize about how great they would be but maybe if we stop worrying about writing the perfect tale, we can see that the story unfolding in front of us is pretty great.  Maybe we even know more than we think.

“Write your story as it needs to be written.  Write it honestly, and tell it as best you can.  I’m not sure that there are any other rules.  Not ones that matter.” – Neil Gaiman

What Happens Next?

Last week on the plane to San Antonio, while attempting to catch up on my celebrity gossip by reading Life and Style Magazine, I came across a page of horoscopes.  Now I am fully aware of the fact that no one is really able to predict what will happen in the future but it’s always nice to think that maybe, just maybe, you can have some little bit of insight into what might be coming for you.

No matter how stupid you think astrology is, I guarantee you that if you see a page of horoscopes, you will at least glace at yours, which of course I did.  My Pisces prediction said that a cute guy would flirt with me, let it go to your head.  Two days later, a very cute guy did in fact flirt with me and I will admit that I have been on a little boy high since. 

Tonight, while walking through Target, I stopped just out of curiosity to check this week’s issue of Life and Style.  According to the gossip rag, this week I am supposed to treat myself to something.  I put the magazine back on the shelf and looked down at my wrist.  This afternoon, prior to my Target visit, I splurged and bought myself the watch I had been wanting for months. 

Now I know that all of these things are just consciences but wouldn’t it be nice if they were actually signs?  Wouldn’t it be nice to know that even if it’s just one little hint at our future, it’s still something telling us what might be coming our way?  As I walked to my car, I couldn’t help but think, I wonder what happens next?  I guess I should get a subscription. 

"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there." - Charles Kettering

The Average Line

The Mendoza line is a term used in baseball to define the success or failure of a hitter.  Mario Mendoza was a baseball player who in any particular season would allow his batting average to drop to unacceptable standards for a hitter due to struggles at the plate.   Baseball sets the Mendoza line at a .200 batting average and failure to reach that mark puts you below the line.  I have to wonder, if you can set a line to define the status of a hitter in a sport, is there a Mendoza line for life?

To obtain an average, we take an entire body of results and find the midpoint.  If an average represents the midpoint of the entirety and you live your life working hard and trying to do the best you can, you would assume that you would be guaranteed to find yourself comfortably above the Mendoza line?  However, success in life is subjective.  What each person wants out of life is different therefore the standards of success will vary. 

So when we set the Mendoza line for our lives, what if we set the bar too high?  What happens if hard work and doing the best you can doesn’t exactly get you to the successful side of the line?  What if, dare I say it, we are just destined to be average?  If we have a few stuggles at the plate, should we allow them to bring down our entire average? 

"Refuse to be average.  Let your heart soar as high as it will." - A.W. Tozer

If You're Happy And You Know It

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you feel different?  It’s the kind of day where you go about your normal life and at some point you realize that you are smiling for no apparent reason.  Nothing has really changed overnight, your life is still the same as it was yesterday, and all the issues and problems that you went to bed with are still present but for some unexplained reason today you are just…happy.

Of course we will have the days in our lives where something wonderful or exciting happens making them days we will always remember or there will be the days where things happen to make them become days we would rather forget but with on those days, there is a reason to be happy or sad.  Now I know that being happy on any given day is not a great achievement but I think most days, no matter how much we love our lives, we are pretty much indifferent.  By that I mean there are a good number of days where we go through our typical routines and nothing really special happens to us.  It’s just another ordinary, average kind of day. 

If you find yourself smiling for no good reason or excited for nothing in particular, I say run with it.  Maybe we aren’t meant to know exactly what we are happy about but rather just enjoy the feeling.  Hopefully good things are coming or maybe it is just the calm before the storm but either way, at this particular moment, you are happy.  Maybe the day will be more than just another ordinary, average kind of day, even if it doesn’t seem like it. 

Outside the weather is kind of gloomy, I have a million things on my mind, but something is just different with me today.  I know it won’t last but I think I’m going to enjoy it while I can J

“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.” – Author Unknown

Landing In The Roses

There are some people in this world who always seem to have everything together.  It’s like all the pieces in their lives seem to just fall into place and fit into this perfect package, all neatly wrapped up and tied together with a pretty bow.  It’s as if no matter what happens to them, these types of people always seem to land in the roses.  I am not one of these people.

As you can tell from my blog, I am a bit more of the scattered, confused, and always a few pieces short of a complete puzzle type.  I don’t usually land in the roses but rather in the dirt right beside them.  I have never had everything completely wired and I am very realistic over the fact that I never will. 

I noticed a lot lately when looking at the people in my life, who is landing in the sweet smelling flowers and who is destined to be constantly digging their way out of the dirt with me.  To the people in my same constant state of life chaos, I say perfect is overrated! 

Maybe our lives can’t be all neat and organized but maybe that’s because what we want out of life isn’t always that easy to get.  Who said you can’t have greatness?  Who said you don’t get it?  Some people are happy playing the hand they were dealt but maybe we are meant to gamble a bit and play a few rounds until we decide to go all in. 

Landing in the roses might sound like a more appealing option but keep in mind that roses have thorns and at any time, those that land in them could get pricked.  When you land in the dirt, you may always be a bit messy and get some bumps and bruises along the way but you will ultimately get up and brush yourself off.  So here’s to crazy and different!  Here’s to big dreams and wide open roads with no maps to guide us.  Here’s to no plans and no idea what we are doing.

“You see things and say, ‘Why?’, but I dream things and say, ‘Why not?’” – George Bernard Shaw

Gone Fishing

Over the past few months, I’ve somehow stumbled upon the idea that a relationship is pretty much what my life is lacking.  It all just started to seem like everyone was only concerned about my relationship status or lack thereof, and it’s become a huge focus in my mind.  Yes I would like a like a relationship but I’ve realized that there are a lot of other things that I want and obsessing about boys seems to be just one more thing that will derail me.  So I’m out.   

I ended last year attempting to deal with all my relationship baggage so that I could start this year fresh with no ties to my past hoping that what I was holding on to was what was keeping me from finding my next great love.  This year I tired internet dating and fix ups but ultimately nothing has really panned out.  The root of my problem is that I am a magnet for unavailable guys.  I don’t try to be but every guy I encounter that I’m interested in has some kind of issue on his end that stands in the way of having a chance at us living happily ever after.  Got a girlfriend?  Live in a different state?  Have commitment issues?  Are you weighted down with emotional baggage?  If you answered yes to any or all of the above, you are more than likely interested in me, however I know that at the end of the story, I don’t win and I’m tired of reading the same book over and over again. 

I just think I need a little break from all this.  In order to commit fully to figuring out what is next for me, I have to let go of the idea that a guy will get me to that next step.  I wrote a post before about how giving things up for a while is good for us and I think that I am going to take my own advice on this one.  I deactivated the internet profile this morning and I’m officially off the market.  I’m done looking and obsessing. 

If you are reading this and you are relationship challenged like me, think about how much time you waste just stressing about an ex or trying to get him back.  Think about how many nights you ruin going out in hopes of meeting someone and you find yourself disappointed when that's not what happens.  Why are we wasting time when we could be using that time and energy for something that will better ourselves or our lives?  I want to put that time towards something a little more productive for me. 

So today is day one of my boy vacation.  Put up the gone fishing sign because when it comes to dating, I’m not available.  Maybe I will change my mind or my break in the relationship action will be short lived but for right now I need to eliminate distractions and get my focus back.

“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.” – Earl Wilson

Someone Other Than Me

On Saturday I wrote a post about stepping outside of your comfort zone.  I was inspired to write that because I was traveling and the beauty of not being in your city is that you can be anyone you want to be.  All I know is that for a few days, I didn’t want to be me.

Not that being me is a bad thing; it’s just not the most exciting thing.  For the most part, I play things safe.  I’m always the responsible one in the group and I’m tired of playing that part.  In college, my boyfriend nicknamed me NFA (No Fun Ali) and I have to say that name sucked.  I always thought I was fun but lately I’ve realized that sometimes I’m a little too controlled for my own good.  Of course I’m 29 and need to be an adult but I think my challenge is really to find a happy medium between the two extremes.  I’ve really been trying to find that medium lately and not be so stuck on one side or the other.

This weekend I think this concept got cranked up a notch.  Someone went to Texas and even though she looked like me, I’m not really sure who she was.  I let go of all my rules and embraced my San Antonio self.  Drinking, no problem! Going home early, no way!  Getting up the next day to do it all over again, of course!  Complaining, not me! In the end, I really don’t know who I was but I know I had a lot of fun and as far as I can tell, the world is still spinning. I know this may not seem like much of an achievement but according to my friend Diana, I’ve been fun 4 times in my life and maybe now I can reached number 5.

Not only did this trip give me a lot of great memories with two wonderful friends, a lot of stories that I’m sure I won’t live down anytime soon, and a whole new view of San Antonio, but I also realized I that I need to make a few more changes in my life to get to where I want to be.  Maybe there is something to this idea of reinvention.  I love Philadelphia but maybe I don’t like my Philadelphia self or maybe I’m just not meant to be that person right now.  I’ve got a lot of food for thought and ultimately it’s going to come down to the big cosmic plan that is set out for my life called fate but I’m ready to roll the dice.  I don’t exactly know what that means but I think I might have to make it my April goal to figure out what kind of self I want to be. 

“I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention.  To not be like your parents.  To not be like your friends.  To be yourself.  To cut yourself out of stone.” – Henry Rollins

Not Myself Tonight

I've posted every day for over a month and totaly I think I'm going to take the day off.  My only advice today is if you are reading this, it's a saturday night so step away from the computer and go out!  That's exactly what I'm going to do.  Step outside of who you normally are for one night and see what happens.  If you let go of your rules, you might just have some fun.

"I'm out of character, I'm in rare form, and if you really knew me, you'd know it's not the norm." - Christina Aguilera "Not Myself Tonight"

Friends Forever?

So I have a friend that constantly preaches that guys and girls can’t be friends.  I've always thought he was drastic in making that statement but while catching up with the Jersey Shore, Mike “The Situation” actually made a similar statement on the reunion special when he said “I find it very difficult for guys and girls to be friends”.   Maybe that is the eternal question.

Can guys and girls really be just friends?  In my world this concept has been tested a lot lately.  I started out standing firmly on the side that friendships between the sexes are totally possible but the more and more I really looked at those friendships, the less and less I believe that is true.  My past relationships have given me a lot of reasons to have trust issues but recently my friendships have made me doubt that I can trust anyone.

My argument for friendships between males and females being possible was always that people have types and you typically tend to befriend those of the opposite sex who don’t fall under the category of your type because if they were your type, you wouldn't be settling for just being friends.  Sounds pretty straight forward right?  Well what happens when you classify someone as not your type and put them in the friend zone but they don’t see it the same way?  Are your “friends” just biding their time until they get the chance to make their move?  Will guys and girls ever truly be able to maintain as strictly platonic relationship or will there always be the potential for something more?

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.” – Dave Matthews Band