NEW ZEALAND TRIP POST: Facing Now

8/31

With only two days left on this trip, I find myself reflecting on a lot of things, especially how far I had come over the last couple weeks. 

I wonder why I ever thought I couldn’t do this?  I doubted my abilities, questioned my fundraising skills, and second guessed my own independence all because of one nagging flaw: fear.  Why is that when we are afraid of things, we throw out all we know we are capable of and fill our minds with thoughts of inadequacy? 

Today was another day on the job site and while I am still nowhere near professional construction worker status, I’ve begun to notice how much easier things are coming to me now.  I am realizing that I accept tasks with much less hesitation.  The doubts surrounding my lack of experience or coordination are practically gone.  I am no longer wondering if people are going to like me or if I am going to like them.   When I came into this, I started out thinking that it would be nice to be anyone I wanted to be and start all over with people who didn’t know me and in a situation that was anything but ordinary, however, as I come to the end of this adventure, I realized I have to stop being so afraid of the truth that the only person I want to be is me. 

After almost two weeks in New Zealand, I’m sad to leave but I know that when I do, I will not be going back the same person I was when I left.  I’m done hiding things about myself for fear that others will judge or mock me.  I see myself differently now.  I know this all might sound a little crazy but I started this blog wondering what comes next and as I sit here living this incredible experience, I think I might have had it completely wrong.  What if it’s never been about what comes next but rather what comes now? 

Over this year, I’ve let go of what was and stopped obsessing over what I will be but now it's time I start facing what I am head on.  After this trip I have a better idea of who that is and more importantly, I have to confidence to accept that person 100%, no matter what anyone else thinks.