The Pursuit of Life, Laughter, and Happily Ever After

I think to get to where you’re going; you have to remember where you’ve been and the things that led you to this current state of mind.   It’s our pasts that make us realize who we do and do not want to be. 

Last Saturday I went to dinner with some girlfriends including one who recently had the courage to end a long term relationship.  This was a relationship that was most likely headed for the altar but for whatever reason, she stopped it before things went too far.   In her mind it just wasn’t right.  It got me thinking of my own long term situation that stopped short.

It was just about three years ago that I ended a relationship that at one point in life, I thought could have been it for me.  The truth was that he was more of a nightmare than a man of my dreams but for some reason I saw something more in him.  In hindsight, I was infatuated with who I wished he was.  I was enamored with the person I thought he could be.  However, at that point in time he was not that person regardless of how much potential I saw in him and I realized I was not so in love with the person he actually was.

Last week, I got the chance to see him again.  I have always been hesitant to see him because I am never really sure how he might affect me.  Since our break up, I have gotten together with him on a few occasions and each time he was still able to charm me.  I would walk away thinking what if I wrote him off too soon?  However, given time, all the reasons we were no longer together would come flooding back to me and I would regain my sanity but it scared me that he still had some sort of power over me. 

This particular time when I met him, I didn’t hesitate to see him and I can safely say it might have been the best time we have ever had together.  We talked over coffee and laughed over drinks.  We were honest with each other and when the night ended, we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.  This time I was walked away feeling something for him I never expected to feel.  I felt nothing.

It had taken me almost three years to get to this point.  Three years to finally be able to tell him all the things I had always wanted to and actually believe the words coming out of my mouth.  The wounds from our relationship were raw and exposed for a very long time preventing me from really moving on but they have since turned to scars.  The scars I will carry around forever but I won’t hide them.  They remind me of who I was, who I no longer want to be, and the type of person who is not meant for me.  This boy has finally blossomed into the person I always wanted him to be but I know that he will never be that person for me.  I have faith that he will be that person for someone else and despite everything I want him to be happy.

To all of you who have had the courage to say goodbye to something that wasn’t right rather than holding on to it because it was comfortable, I applaud you.  Have faith in your decision and never settle for anything less than exactly what you deserve.  The scariest part may be the fact that you are alone and although at times it’s like falling without a safety net, the thought of still being able to find that life, laughter, and happily ever after you long for will give you the reassurance you need to back up your decision.  Goodbyes are never easy and for me this one may have been the hardest in my life thus far but I now have my closure.  I can finally say without an ounce of regret that I made the right choice.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simiply moving on with dignity despite that fear." - Pat Riley