I Don't Wear a Halo

When I started this whole process to figure out what comes next, I knew that meant learning to be more selfish when it came to my time and not always trying to be there to save people.  I often give up things I want or put my life on hold to be there for others and even though I don’t do it for the recognition, it’s always nice to be reminded why exactly you do the things you do.   Last night I got that reminder.

It was a pretty routine night of catching up on stuff around my apartment when my phone rang.  It was my cousin Sean and my initial reaction was shock because he doesn’t usually call me (I call him) but I soon moved to skeptical that something was wrong.  However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he just called to catch up. Over the past few years he’s had some rough times including losing his mom to cancer but I couldn’t imagine not being there for him through all that and anything else he goes through in the future.  I don’t think of it as anything special, just supporting someone I care about.  We talked for about 30 minutes about our lives and when we hung up the phone I thought about how it is moments like that that make me feel like everything I do is worth it.  The fact that a 21 year old boy, who probably has 100+ other things on his mind, thought to call me just to say hi made my day more than he’ll ever know. 

For some unexplained reason people love to give me Angel things.  I know they do this because I have been there for them but as much as I do enjoy that they think of me that highly, I don’t personally see myself in that light.  I’m not an angel.  I don’t wear a halo.  Sure I do something good things, but I also make mistakes or bad choices from time to time.  I will admit that for the most part I am a pretty selfless person but to say I’m angel puts a great deal of pressure on me.  I feel like there is always pressure to live up to the elevated vision people have of me and if I can’t be that person, then I have them down.  Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to save everyone.

I am happy that I can be there for the people who need me.  It might be the feeling of being needed that I like but I also enjoy the feeling that I’ve done something to make a difference.  Whether it’s big or small, for one person or many, at least it’s something.  I have big heart and want to be the change I wish to see in the world but I wouldn't say that I've done anything worthy of angel status.

Maybe there are angels among us and of course I would love to live up to that billing one day but I don’t think I’m there yet.  I will do my best to leave my mark on this world but for now I think we should put the halos on other people who are definitely more deserving of the honor.  I would give one to my cousin Pete who serves proudly as an officer in the United States Army protecting our country and putting everything on the line including his own life.  Or my friend Beth, who lived her life pretty sheltered until one day she decided to take a risk and go to Kenya to build homes for Habitat for Humanity.  And of course, there is my friend Diana who is a bright, driven woman who could have any career she wants but has devoted herself to Teach for America to make a difference in the education of children.   



Although none of these people do it for the credit, they are definitely inspiring.  Think about your own life.  Maybe there is someone that has always been there for you or someone who does great things that inspire you.  Make sure they know that you’re thinking about them.  They don’t need credit or a thank you but it’s always nice to be reminded sometimes that someone is impacted by who you are. 



Appearances can be deceiving :)

"I never promised you a ray of light,

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,

I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,

So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me,

But standing from here, you wouldn't say so,

You wouldn't say so if you were me."

- Halo by Haley James Scott (Bethany Joy Lenz)