When I was 22, I was just graduating college and my confidence level in myself was at an all time high. Some even said that I crossed the line and was practically boarding on cocky but I think I was just extremely self confident. Then at 23, I met a boy. At that point I had just gotten out of my post college relationship and it had been over 5 years since the last time I had to worry about dating. I had gone from one long term relationship to the next so I was a little scared of the prospect of searching for someone new but it became clear to me pretty quickly that finding boys was really easy. I had no problems finding someone who was interested in me and I was always able to maintain the position where they were more into me than I was into them so that I retained control. However, that was not the case with this particular boy.
This boy was able to get to me, underneath the tough exterior and confidence and tear it all apart. Things started out great and I was enamored. He said all the right things and did all the cute romantic gestures until one day he stopped. At some point when I wasn’t looking the cute, nice guy I thought I had found was gone and in his place was a guy I didn’t want to know. I was constantly told I was fat or his favorite line was “you’re fluffy not toned”. He mocked my clothing and wanted to know why I didn’t dress up to see him and then when I did he would be mad at me for wearing things that were too revealing even if they weren’t. He spent countless hours telling how I wasn’t anywhere near as pretty or perfect as his ex girlfriend and constantly compared me to other random girls. I was told where I could go, who to be friends with and what to do for him. I can’t tell you how many times I cried so hard that I gave myself a full on panic attack complete with chest pains and throwing up. He was possessive, demanding, and jealous for no reason. He put down my dreams, belittled my accomplishments, and mocked my interests. I was a prisoner in my own life but for the 99 crappy things he said or did to me, there was always 1 good one which made me think there was something about him that I didn’t want to lose. I was practically masochistic for staying, addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.
At 25, the bubble I was living in finally burst and I realized that happy people don’t cry every day. I had spent far too long competing for something that was supposed to already be mine. But the damage had been done. The once confident girl was replaced with a girl who was afraid to look in the mirror. What if I was just a little prettier? I hate my nose! I feel like I’m gaining weight. I wish I had better hair. All of these thoughts and so much more flooded through my mind when I saw my reflection.
For a long time I couldn’t see past the imperfections that he had created in my head. I looked tired and I felt beaten down. I couldn’t figure out how I had gone from someone so strong to someone who had spiraled down the rabbit hole landing smack dab in my worst nightmare. I was truly Alison in Wonderland. Nothing was what it seemed or what I thought it would be. I tried desperately to pull myself out of the abyss I was in but every time I would get some footing, it felt like the bottom dropped out and I was right back where I started, alone and hopeless. I didn’t like the person I had become. I had pushed everyone I loved so far away by being with him that I was never sure that I could get them back. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be 23 again with limitless possibilities, not 25 with no idea which way was up.
Today, I looked in the mirror. I looked very closely at the girl staring back at me. I liked her for just want she was. I will never be perfect and I really don’t want to be. At 28 I have come to terms with my imperfections and like it or hate it, it’s just me. It has been a while since I looked in the mirror focusing only on my flaws but today may have been the first time I really thought about that. It felt good to see the girl staring back at me and like what I saw. It felt good to recognize my reflection.
So many times we let other people’s opinions of us dictate how we want to be but we should learn that the only opinion that matters is the one staring back at us from the other side of the mirror. The best of you is you and when you let some take that away, you deprive the world of all the greatness you have to offer. Sure I could have worked out more or dieted to change my body. I could have dyed my hair, changed my clothes, studied up on things I could have cared less about, or had surgery to correct my “flaws” but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m just not ok with that. I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl with pretty eyes and a bright smile who has a weakness for chocolate marshmallow ice cream, episodes of the original 90210, and romance novels and I’m good with that.
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Carrie Bradshaw
No comments:
Post a Comment