Alison in Wonderland

When I was 22, I was just graduating college and my confidence level in myself was at an all time high.  Some even said that I crossed the line and was practically boarding on cocky but I think I was just extremely self confident.  Then at 23, I met a boy.  At that point I had just gotten out of my post college relationship and it had been over 5 years since the last time I had to worry about dating.  I had gone from one long term relationship to the next so I was a little scared of the prospect of searching for someone new but it became clear to me pretty quickly that finding boys was really easy.  I had no problems finding someone who was interested in me and I was always able to maintain the position where they were more into me than I was into them so that I retained control.  However, that was not the case with this particular boy.

This boy was able to get to me, underneath the tough exterior and confidence and tear it all apart.  Things started out great and I was enamored.  He said all the right things and did all the cute romantic gestures until one day he stopped.  At some point when I wasn’t looking the cute, nice guy I thought I had found was gone and in his place was a guy I didn’t want to know.   I was constantly told I was fat or his favorite line was “you’re fluffy not toned”.  He mocked my clothing and wanted to know why I didn’t dress up to see him and then when I did he would be mad at me for wearing things that were too revealing even if they weren’t.   He spent countless hours telling how I wasn’t anywhere near as pretty or perfect as his ex girlfriend and constantly compared me to other random girls.  I was told where I could go, who to be friends with and what to do for him.  I can’t tell you how many times I cried so hard that I gave myself a full on panic attack complete with chest pains and throwing up.  He was possessive, demanding, and jealous for no reason.  He put down my dreams, belittled my accomplishments, and mocked my interests.  I was a prisoner in my own life but for the 99 crappy things he said or did to me, there was always 1 good one which made me think there was something about him that I didn’t want to lose.  I was practically masochistic for staying, addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.

At 25, the bubble I was living in finally burst and I realized that happy people don’t cry every day.  I had spent far too long competing for something that was supposed to already be mine.  But the damage had been done.  The once confident girl was replaced with a girl who was afraid to look in the mirror.  What if I was just a little prettier?   I hate my nose!  I feel like I’m gaining weight.  I wish I had better hair.  All of these thoughts and so much more flooded through my mind when I saw my reflection. 

For a long time I couldn’t see past the imperfections that he had created in my head.  I looked tired and I felt beaten down.  I couldn’t figure out how I had gone from someone so strong to someone who had spiraled down the rabbit hole landing smack dab in my worst nightmare.  I was truly Alison in Wonderland.  Nothing was what it seemed or what I thought it would be.  I tried desperately to pull myself out of the abyss I was in but every time I would get some footing, it felt like the bottom dropped out and I was right back where I started, alone and hopeless.  I didn’t like the person I had become.  I had pushed everyone I loved so far away by being with him that I was never sure that I could get them back.  I wanted my life back.  I wanted to be 23 again with limitless possibilities, not 25 with no idea which way was up.

Today, I looked in the mirror.  I looked very closely at the girl staring back at me.  I liked her for just want she was.  I will never be perfect and I really don’t want to be.  At 28 I have come to terms with my imperfections and like it or hate it, it’s just me.  It has been a while since I looked in the mirror focusing only on my flaws but today may have been the first time I really thought about that.  It felt good to see the girl staring back at me and like what I saw.  It felt good to recognize my reflection.

So many times we let other people’s opinions of us dictate how we want to be but we should learn that the only opinion that matters is the one staring back at us from the other side of the mirror. The best of you is you and when you let some take that away, you deprive the world of all the greatness you have to offer.  Sure I could have worked out more or dieted to change my body.  I could have dyed my hair, changed my clothes, studied up on things I could have cared less about, or had surgery to correct my “flaws” but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m just not ok with that.  I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl with pretty eyes and a bright smile who has a weakness for chocolate marshmallow ice cream, episodes of the original 90210, and romance novels and I’m good with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.  There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.  But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Carrie Bradshaw

Love is a Drug

So Sunday I said that I went to the movies by myself but I held back the title.  When I was writing the blog yesterday I felt that the movie would make an interesting entry on its own so here goes.

I saw the movie Love and Other Drugs and besides being a great opportunity to stare at Jake Gyllenhaal for two hours (so hot!); it was a pretty good movie.  I wouldn’t say great (it was a little slow at points) but the overall story definitely made the movie worth seeing.  Now I will try to keep many of the major details out of this post but if you want to see the movie, I would totally understand if you stopped reading here.

First off, the gist of this film is a romance between a girl and guy both with their own individual issues who don’t really think they are worthy of certain things.  For her, she doesn’t think she deserves love because of a medical issue she has and he doesn’t believe he can truly be successful because all he sees in himself is a subpar existence.  In typical romantic comedy fashion, the two find each other and in turn see that what they truly need in life are the things they’ve always thought were out of the realm of possibility.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Jamie Randall, a smart screw up who has never really been able to live up to his full potential until he stumbles upon a job as a drug rep for a major pharmaceutical company during the late 90’s.  Romantically, he uses his charm to get ahead while never really committing to any one girl.  Anne Hathaway plays Maggie Murdock, a young girl suffering from a degenerative disorder which causes her to keep her distance from relationships.  She refuses to rely on people because she doesn’t think that with her disease she is worthy of being loved.  She is afraid that she will need someone more then they will need her. 

So in order to not give away the whole movie, I want to shift gears and apply it to life.  Romantic love is a really funny thing.  Some of us are lucky enough to be in it, some of us are unfortunate and have lost it, but overall at one point or another all of us are looking for it.  Love is the ultimate drug. 

There have been a very few times that I’ve felt like I was in love and in hindsight, even fewer times that I feel it was actually real.  When it comes to my love life, I’ve felt a lot like Maggie over the past few years.  Of course I don’t have a life altering disease but I have a past that has truly crippled my ability to let myself fall for someone.  I have made some mistakes and bad decisions which cause me to believe that I am not worthy of having someone want me back.  I’ve chalked it up to bad karma and other people just say I’m too picky but whatever the reason my love life has not panned out exactly how I thought it would. 

I love the show One Tree Hill and I think Brooke Davis said it best when she said, “Here’s my philosophy on dating.  It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that you know, turns you on… And it’s really important that these three people don’t know each other.”  That theory is for people who have been hurt when it comes to matters of the heart.  She goes on to say that all a girl really wants is someone to want them back.

I think that’s all anyone ever really wants.  Someone they want to want them back.  I know that’s all I really want.  I’ve had so many guys gamble me over the years and none fight for me.  I want someone who is going to fight for me.  In the romantic movies, the guy always chases the girl because he believes that if he has nothing else in life, he will at least have her.  Now while I am firmly grounded in reality and know life is not a movie, it’s still a nice thought. 

In this particular movie, there were obstacles preventing Jamie and Maggie from being together.  The truth is we all face obstacles every day in life.  Whether it’s regarding love or friends or work, we are constantly tested with obstacles.  It’s how we deal with the things that stand in our way that truly define us and our relationships.  What’s important to us may not always be clear but there will be that moment when it all makes sense. 

Like I said, romantic love is a funny thing.  Maybe I’m unlucky in love or maybe I’m just still looking for someone who fits me but either way I like the drug.  I’m trying hard not be closed off to the possibility of love like Maggie was in the movie, which is a difficult thing to do when romantically you just keep going down the wrong roads.   But regardless, I still have hope.   I will revert back to One Tree Hill and a question that practically defined a season to help clarify what I think true love really is.  When all your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you? If you are lucky enough to be able to answer that question, don't forget to tell that person you love them.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.  One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you...the one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'"- Author Unknown

Admit 1

I’ve always considered myself to be an independent person.  I firmly believed that the people I chose to have in my life were there because I wanted them to be there not because I needed them.  And of course if it came down to it, I could always depend on myself.  However, this independence was never really tested until a few years ago.

When I originally came up with this theory on life, I was in a relationship.  And since then, I had always been relationships.   It was three years ago that another long term relationship had come and gone, leaving me standing there all by myself.  There was no next boy in line to take over the last boy’s role.  There was just me, “Miss Independent”.   It was then that I figured out that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was or would have liked to have been.  

I don’t do well with being alone.  I don’t like doing things by myself but I think that’s a pretty standard feeling for most people.  Everything is more fun when you have someone to share it with but the problem I had was what happens when you don’t have someone available to do things with?

For example, I love movies.  It can be proven by the seriously impressive DVD collection I have accumulated over the years.   The problem is that seeing a movie in a theater is typically a two or more person activity.  For months I had said I wanted to just go all by myself and see a movie but every time I thought about it, I ended up chickening out.  I was afraid of how pathetic I would look going to the theater and sitting there all alone.  It was this phobia that prevented me from seeing a lot of movies I really wanted to see.

The other week, I saw a preview for a movie that I instantly knew I had to see and this morning I woke up thinking today was a great day for a movie.  I had nothing to do on the last day of a long weekend and I wanted to spend that day doing something fun and relaxing.   Sure I could have called my mom or gotten some friends together to go but that required a lot of planning and I didn’t want to work around anyone or their schedules so I took the opportunity to go by myself.

It was fantastic!  For the first time in a while I didn’t care what other people thought.  Plenty of people walked in in couples or groups and I sat there all by myself, totally excited to see this movie.  Unfortunately there were no girlfriends there to rate the previews with, gossip with about the cute parts, or recap the movie with when it was over.  There was no boy there to hold my hand during the romantic moments or comfort me when I cried during the sappy parts (and yes I cried).  But regardless, I now know that being alone can’t hold me back from doing the things I want to do.  Yes, it might be more fun with other people but if no one is around, I can definitely depend on me.  Hopefully I can use this confidence and apply it to other things in my life I am scared to do on my own. 

And if you want to know what movie I saw, log in tomorrow for my take on that :)

I Don’t Like Bloody Marys

I don’t like Bloody Marys.  Now before you start thinking that you wasted your time logging in to read this earth shattering news, I promise if you keep reading I do have a point.

So I don’t like Bloody Marys.  Every time I’ve been offered one, I turn it down politely saying “I don’t like Bloody Marys”.  Last week when I was at lunch with my cousin, we ordered beers and shortly after he realized that there was a Sunday special on Bloody Marys.  He seemed upset that he hadn’t realized it because he would have gotten one and per usual, I responded, “I don’t like Bloody Marys”. 

Sure that’s a perfectly acceptable response, if you really don’t like Bloody Marys but as I thought about it, I realized I’ve never even tried the drink.  Something about the tomato juice based cocktail just never appealed to me leading me to pass when offered one.  The truth is I probably should like Bloody Marys.  When it comes to food I believe that spicier is better, I have no aversion to tomatoes, and vodka and I are definitely on good terms so all signs would point to me and Bloody Mary’s having a very favorable relationship.  But still the thought of the tomato juice concoction turned my stomach. 

This is just one more case in my life where I have decided that I do or don’t like something based on my assumptions.  Yes this is a small thing but still I am shutting down the possibility of enjoying something because of the conclusion I have drawn in my head with no viable proof to back it up.  That stops now.

I made a promise on Sunday at lunch that come Thanksgiving, Sean and I would be drinking Bloody Marys.  And that’s exactly what I did.  Two reddish cocktails with Old Bay Seasoning coating the rim of the glass were made on that Thursday and as I held it in my hand, the look and smell once again made me want to pass on the drink. 

When I took my first sip, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was good!  It tasted nothing like I expected it to and I was happy about that.  However, as I continued drinking, I slowly began to discover that even though one or two sips of this drink were good, the idea of downing the whole glass seemed nauseating.  I was full and although it tasted fine, I couldn’t keep drinking.

Often we tend to draw conclusions that we don’t like things when really we don’t know if we do or do not because we haven’t actually tried them.  We just assume that fact and therefore could be missing out on something really amazing.  Although I am realistic and know that I will not try everything in life, I would definitely like to be more willing to test things out before I jump to conclusions about them.  Some things might be small like Bloody Marys and other things might be bigger but regardless of the size of the matter in which I am trying, I want to take the chance. 

Now when offered a Bloody Mary, I will revert to an old line that my brother would use as a kid when avoiding eating something and simply answer, “I like it but I just don’t want it”.  I’m glad to know that I do like Bloody Marys and the option to have one will always be there if I choose but I’m more proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone.  It’s just one small step that will hopefully lead to trying out bigger things in the future.

"Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic" - Author Unknown

Just a little proof :)

Cheers!

Thank You!

Well it’s almost thanksgiving and if you haven’t done so already, it’s probably time to start thinking about what you’re thankful for this year.  Often the true purpose of the holiday, the giving thanks part, gets overshadowed by the food and festivities but that doesn’t mean that we forget about it completely.

So if you need a little help figuring out what to be thankful for, I suggest taking a look at the blog The Cup Is Half Full at http://difi-cuphalffull.blogspot.com/.  This is a blog from a good friend of mine and during the month of November, she has completely devoted  her site to things that people are thankful for.  It might just inspire you to find out exactly what you want to give thanks for this year and don’t forget to check out my entry from November 8^th, Thankful for Time.

So, on that note I’m not going to write anything today.  I’m just going to say thank you.  Thank you to anyone who is reading or has been reading my blog.  Thank you for taking an interest in what I have to say.  Thank you to those of you have supported me and reached out to tell me that you have enjoyed what I’m doing with this site.  For all of you, I am thankful!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Soundtrack of Your Life

Music can be a powerful thing.  It has the ability to change moods, gives us something to relate to and most importantly it plays in the background of the great moments we experience. It’s music that provides us with a soundtrack to our lives.

I have always been a big music junkie and although my tastes have evolved over the years, my love of music has never wavered.  Music has always been able to be there for me.  It gets me through the days when I feel like I'm breaking down, it helps me to deal with feelings and emotions that I constantly need to make sense of, and it has the ability to make me smile for no deeper reason than I enjoy the song. 

Last night I found a bunch of old CD’s and as I went through them, I was reminded of some of the songs I used to love and the various reasons why they were special.  For me, there are definitely songs that will always be able to take me back to a certain time, place, or feeling.  Usher’s “Yeah” will make me think of driving down Beaver Ave in State College in my Jeep with Diana and “Hotel” by Cassidy and “Suga, Suga” by Baby Bash will forever be Ali and T’s Frat Jams.  “It’s You” by Tony Lucca is the song that will take me back to losing my first love and “Stupid Boy” by Keith Urban will always be associated with breaking up with my last boyfriend.  “Come on Over” by Christina Aguilera means the Gamma Phi Beta Crush Party, “Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears will be equated to Sigma Chi Derby Days 2001 and after this weekend “Whip Your Hair” by Willow Smith will constantly make me smile about my GPhiB girls.   “Courage is…” by The Strange Familiar will bring me back to the feelings I had when my aunt died and “Get Low” by Flo Rider will forever be in my heart as the song for my mother (don’t ask!). “Macho Man” by the Village People means dancing around my parents family room with my brother when we were kids , “Children’s Story” by Slick Rick goes back to being in Ole’ Yeller (my ’95 Cream Chevy Lumina) driving to high school with Amy, and “End of the Road” by Boys II Men will put me back on that field trip bus in grade school.  “The Right Stuff” by New Kids of the Block will always make me think of the excitement of my first concert and “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor will remind me of the first song I really remember loving and how because it was on the PSU Songs tape I had, I thought for years it was actually Eye of the Lion (they changed the words, I wasn't crazy).

Regardless of the song, it is music that can speak to us when we need it to.  It can bring us back to hard times, remind us of the fun memories, take us back to the monumental moments we experience or it can simply be there for us when we need to find the exact right words to associate with how we are feeling. Last night I kept trying to come up with a song that would be a theme song for this stage in my life.  Maybe it would be “World Wide Open” by Love & Theft or “Unfold” by Marie Digby.  It could be “I Was Here” by Lady Antebellum, “Born to Fly” by Sara Evans, or “It’s Only Life” by Kate Voegele.  However, the beauty of the soundtrack of your life is that it is made up of songs that take you back so one day when I look back on this time of my life, I’m sure I will have a song that will fit this phase and make me think of all the things I’ve been feeling.  You can't plan the tracks that will make up your soundtrack.  You have to just keep living and allow your soundtrack to come together on it's own. 

Now I know this might not be the most thought provoking or life changing post but I think sometimes it’s nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  I’m sure you have plenty of songs that will take you back to the major moments of you’ve experienced as well.  Enjoy the soundtrack of your life!  The songs included may not be your favorites or the best songs ever written but they will be special in a different way.  They may just give you some of the answers you are looking for or at least allow you to reminisce about the good, the bad and all the other memories in between. It’s “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw that says “Part of where you’re going, is knowing where your coming from” and as I think of all the songs that remind me of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it’s comforting to know that I’ll always remember where I’ve been.

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into works and cannot remain silent" - Victor Hugo

BFF 4 Life

I am extremely blessed to have so many special people in my world but today I specifically want to focus on friends.  To me, a friend is someone who brings value to your life.  They are people you have on that list to call when you need someone or something.  They have the ability to make you feel like the best version of yourself simply by being around them.  They even know the good, bad and ugly about you and accept all of it.  There is a line between friends and people in your life who are just acquaintances and often I think we confuse the two.

So after a FANTASTIC weekend in DC with some of my favorite girls from college, I am reminded why these people are in my life.  I do admit that at times I am guilty of taking them for granted.  We been friends for almost 10 years and through it all, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve really grown up together.  The faces in the group may have evolved over the years, some new ones were added and some old ones have left us but overall we’ve made some wonderful memories that will last a lifetime.  Sure we have our moments where we don’t always get along and yes we have our fair share of drama but in the end, I would do anything for these girls and I am fairly confident that that would be returned.

As I work on changing myself, I would like say that when it comes to friends, I want to do two things.  First, I want to make sure that I am surrounded by the right people.  I need to reevaluate my relationships and make sure that the people I am investing in are worth the investment.  It would be nice to keep everyone you meet as a friend but sometimes it gets a little one sided.  It goes back to my earlier post about trying to be everything to everyone. The truth is friendship is give and take so if you can’t get what you’re giving, maybe it’s time to be moving on.

My second goal is to try to be better at maintaining my friendships.  I am not very good at staying in touch and I never have been.  All those addresses I collected every year at the end of summer camp went in a drawer never to see the light of day again and I totally wrote keep in touch in the yearbooks from school but it was safe to say once that final bell rang in June, I would talk to you in September.  Now since my college friends are spread out all over the place, I need to try a little harder to stay in touch or those friendships won’t be there one day.   I am realistic that I will not be calling all my friends every day or probably every week but I want to make the effort to check in more often than I do in hope of making it a more regular occurrence. 

And as for the friends I saw this past weekend, I can say without a shadow of doubt that each of them is in my life for a reason.  There is a sorority quote that says, "Sisters by chance, friends by choice."  I think that has a lot of truth to it.  I was choosen by a group to be sisters with these people but I never imagined the kind of friendships that would have evolved.  This weekend, I noticed that they each have something about them that I love and respect.   Laura is the once timid girl who now holds nothing back.  She’ll be goofy or speak her mind and she no longer worries what anybody thinks.  Mary is a natural born leader who possesses an unyeilding sense of adventure which has allowed her to have incredible experiences.  Missy is an extremely easy going person who brings her natural wit and charm to the group (plus lots of chips) along with some much needed sarcasm.  Diana is probably one of the most outgoing people I have met in my life and she has the ability to make friends wherever she goes.  Teresa is extremely caring and willing to be there no matter what (I know that I wouldn’t have gotten through half of what I have gone through without her) and as far as dates go, she’s a great one!  Kate is courageous having moved her entire life this year to follow her heart and she is someone I know I will always be able to depend on no matter where she is.  You can’t help but love Erin.  Her energy is contagious and she is never afraid to be who she is, even if that is a girl who does the pencil sharpener or shopping cart.  And finally Colleen is without a doubt that most driven, determined and motivated person I know.  She is a proven self made woman and her thirst for success and greatness is unquenchable.

Sure each of these people have about 1,000 other things that I could rattle off about them and why they make excellent friends but I just picked a few things that I see in each them that I would like see more of in myself.  I would suggest taking a look at the people in your life and finding exactly what it is about them that makes them great.  So often we are quick to criticize, judge, or just throw our opinions out there about people but we are far less likely to be complimentary.  I hope that all my friends are aware of how much they mean to me even if I don’t say it all the time. It definitely wouldn’t hurt for me to be a little more willing to praise them simply for being my friends.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget" -unknown

Just Say No

In 5^th grade, I learned how to say no to drugs and peer pressure from Officer Barry and the D.A.R.E. Program.  While I've managed to keep the drugs and peer pressure under control, I definitely could have used his help learning how to say no in other aspects of my life.

Last night, as I approached hour three of a cutting, printing, and assembling gift tags for the giving tree at my church, I couldn’t help but play the phrase “Just Say No” over and over in my head.  In fact, two days ago when I was approached with this project, I had the overwhelming urge to say no.  Unfortunately when I tired, I realized I was not exactly being asked to make these tags but I had already been volunteered to do so.  It’s safe to say I was more than annoyed by this fact, which is part of the reason for yesterday’s I don’t wear a halo post.  Once again I was being expected to do something because I always do the right thing and I’m always there to help.  It’s a reoccurring fact that has been popping up over the past few weeks and I think all the pressure to come through for everyone just got to me. 

So as I make an attempt to change myself and my life, I want to learn to say no.  I always say yes.  I say yes to everything that is asked of me and it’s about time that I realize there is another option.  I can think of plenty of things I would have rather been doing on a Thursday night than sitting around doing arts and crafts.  Now I know that sounds really horrible.  You might be thinking it’s the least I can do for the church and I did it for a good cause and blah, blah, blah.  Well, there are hundreds of people in the parish and I would say I do a good deal more than most of them.  Not to blow myself up or anything but I coach volleyball every spring, I have worked at their carnivals, I have attended many fundraising events, I was even the class rep for my grade for the school reunion and these are only things I’ve done over the past few years (there's over 20 years of involvement).  However, I did the project.  Not with a smile on my face, but it’s done.  It was a commitment and although I did not make it, I was committed.

This still doesn’t change the fact that if I keep saying yes to everything everyone asks of me, I will never have the time to accomplish or devote to the things I want.  Usually I would let something like being volunteered without my consent just roll off my back so that I wouldn’t have to confront anyone but today I stood up for myself.  I told the person who volunteered me that in the future although I’m happy to help, I would like to be asked and there might be times when I say no.  It has nothing to do with me being selfish or not wanting to help, I just can’t do everything.  Someone else has to step up every once in a while.

It felt really good to get that out.  I think I had been feeling that way for awhile, not just with this one incident but it happened to be the situation that broke me.  Today I’m going to start saying no.  No to the things I don’t want to do or no to the things I can’t do.  Of course there will be things that I don’t want to do that I will have to do but if given the option, I want to have the choice to say no.  Hopefully it will stick and I will continue on with that tomorrow and the next day until it becomes comfortable.  I have to learn that just because I say no, I’m not letting people down; I’m just realizing that I can be everything to everyone and that’s ok. 

"You just have to do your own thing, no matter what anyone says. It's your life." - Ethan Embry

I Don't Wear a Halo

When I started this whole process to figure out what comes next, I knew that meant learning to be more selfish when it came to my time and not always trying to be there to save people.  I often give up things I want or put my life on hold to be there for others and even though I don’t do it for the recognition, it’s always nice to be reminded why exactly you do the things you do.   Last night I got that reminder.

It was a pretty routine night of catching up on stuff around my apartment when my phone rang.  It was my cousin Sean and my initial reaction was shock because he doesn’t usually call me (I call him) but I soon moved to skeptical that something was wrong.  However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he just called to catch up. Over the past few years he’s had some rough times including losing his mom to cancer but I couldn’t imagine not being there for him through all that and anything else he goes through in the future.  I don’t think of it as anything special, just supporting someone I care about.  We talked for about 30 minutes about our lives and when we hung up the phone I thought about how it is moments like that that make me feel like everything I do is worth it.  The fact that a 21 year old boy, who probably has 100+ other things on his mind, thought to call me just to say hi made my day more than he’ll ever know. 

For some unexplained reason people love to give me Angel things.  I know they do this because I have been there for them but as much as I do enjoy that they think of me that highly, I don’t personally see myself in that light.  I’m not an angel.  I don’t wear a halo.  Sure I do something good things, but I also make mistakes or bad choices from time to time.  I will admit that for the most part I am a pretty selfless person but to say I’m angel puts a great deal of pressure on me.  I feel like there is always pressure to live up to the elevated vision people have of me and if I can’t be that person, then I have them down.  Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to save everyone.

I am happy that I can be there for the people who need me.  It might be the feeling of being needed that I like but I also enjoy the feeling that I’ve done something to make a difference.  Whether it’s big or small, for one person or many, at least it’s something.  I have big heart and want to be the change I wish to see in the world but I wouldn't say that I've done anything worthy of angel status.

Maybe there are angels among us and of course I would love to live up to that billing one day but I don’t think I’m there yet.  I will do my best to leave my mark on this world but for now I think we should put the halos on other people who are definitely more deserving of the honor.  I would give one to my cousin Pete who serves proudly as an officer in the United States Army protecting our country and putting everything on the line including his own life.  Or my friend Beth, who lived her life pretty sheltered until one day she decided to take a risk and go to Kenya to build homes for Habitat for Humanity.  And of course, there is my friend Diana who is a bright, driven woman who could have any career she wants but has devoted herself to Teach for America to make a difference in the education of children.   



Although none of these people do it for the credit, they are definitely inspiring.  Think about your own life.  Maybe there is someone that has always been there for you or someone who does great things that inspire you.  Make sure they know that you’re thinking about them.  They don’t need credit or a thank you but it’s always nice to be reminded sometimes that someone is impacted by who you are. 



Appearances can be deceiving :)

"I never promised you a ray of light,

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,

I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,

So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me,

But standing from here, you wouldn't say so,

You wouldn't say so if you were me."

- Halo by Haley James Scott (Bethany Joy Lenz)



The Pursuit of Life, Laughter, and Happily Ever After

I think to get to where you’re going; you have to remember where you’ve been and the things that led you to this current state of mind.   It’s our pasts that make us realize who we do and do not want to be. 

Last Saturday I went to dinner with some girlfriends including one who recently had the courage to end a long term relationship.  This was a relationship that was most likely headed for the altar but for whatever reason, she stopped it before things went too far.   In her mind it just wasn’t right.  It got me thinking of my own long term situation that stopped short.

It was just about three years ago that I ended a relationship that at one point in life, I thought could have been it for me.  The truth was that he was more of a nightmare than a man of my dreams but for some reason I saw something more in him.  In hindsight, I was infatuated with who I wished he was.  I was enamored with the person I thought he could be.  However, at that point in time he was not that person regardless of how much potential I saw in him and I realized I was not so in love with the person he actually was.

Last week, I got the chance to see him again.  I have always been hesitant to see him because I am never really sure how he might affect me.  Since our break up, I have gotten together with him on a few occasions and each time he was still able to charm me.  I would walk away thinking what if I wrote him off too soon?  However, given time, all the reasons we were no longer together would come flooding back to me and I would regain my sanity but it scared me that he still had some sort of power over me. 

This particular time when I met him, I didn’t hesitate to see him and I can safely say it might have been the best time we have ever had together.  We talked over coffee and laughed over drinks.  We were honest with each other and when the night ended, we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.  This time I was walked away feeling something for him I never expected to feel.  I felt nothing.

It had taken me almost three years to get to this point.  Three years to finally be able to tell him all the things I had always wanted to and actually believe the words coming out of my mouth.  The wounds from our relationship were raw and exposed for a very long time preventing me from really moving on but they have since turned to scars.  The scars I will carry around forever but I won’t hide them.  They remind me of who I was, who I no longer want to be, and the type of person who is not meant for me.  This boy has finally blossomed into the person I always wanted him to be but I know that he will never be that person for me.  I have faith that he will be that person for someone else and despite everything I want him to be happy.

To all of you who have had the courage to say goodbye to something that wasn’t right rather than holding on to it because it was comfortable, I applaud you.  Have faith in your decision and never settle for anything less than exactly what you deserve.  The scariest part may be the fact that you are alone and although at times it’s like falling without a safety net, the thought of still being able to find that life, laughter, and happily ever after you long for will give you the reassurance you need to back up your decision.  Goodbyes are never easy and for me this one may have been the hardest in my life thus far but I now have my closure.  I can finally say without an ounce of regret that I made the right choice.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simiply moving on with dignity despite that fear." - Pat Riley

Carpe Diem…In Omnia Paratus

I have a lot of great ideas but most of the time I lack the follow through necessary to make them happen.  It’s always nice to talk about doing this or that but when it comes down to it, most often we put off today what we can do tomorrow.  But what if there isn’t a tomorrow?  I know that sounds dramatic but honestly if we don’t go for things sometimes, we may never get around to them or worse yet, we may never get the chance to. 

Sometimes we find inspiration in the most unlikely of places and for this particular desire to seize the day I credit my brother.  At the beginning of this year, he decided that 2010 would be all about him and his roommate tackling the things they talk about doing but never actually do.  For the last 11 months, I’ve called it his bucket list and mocked it endlessly.  Secretly, I was mocking as a natural defense mechanism because I was envious that I wasn’t that courageous.  Every year on New Years I say that this is going to be “my year”.  Every year on my birthday I say that this is going to be “my year”.  Needless to say I’m still waiting for it to be my year J.  By that I mean the year I finally get my act together or the year that I do all the things I talk about doing but never actually go for.  I recently asked my brother why he felt the need to have a bucket list now and if the process had changed him.  He told me that he wanted to experience things and not just wait around until the “right moment” because why can’t that be right now?  Why can’t it be?  Although in his mind the jury is still out as to whether or not it has changed him, he said he has enjoyed all the exciting adventures he has had this year. 

Now for him, it was the polar bear plunge and skydiving that were on his list but for me I think I want different things.  I’m not afraid of heights like he is so skydiving isn’t going to make a difference to me if I do it or not.   Maybe one day I’ll jump out of plane just to feel the rush but today I want to accomplish other things and conquer my own fears.  Its starts with this blog. 

Since I have started this site, I can now check two things off my list: start a blog and write something for someone other than myself to read. I love writing but the idea of putting anything I write out there in the world to be judged and critiqued scares me.  For me, sharing my words is like being exposed for who I really am and letting everyone see the interworking of my mind.   I promise you that when reading this you will see me more real than maybe you have ever seen me before.  My hope is that by conquering my fear of letting my writing out, that I will also knock down the walls I have built up that prevent me from truly letting people in. 

If you are reading this, I urge you to think about one thing that you’ve always thought about doing and at least make an attempt at making it happen.  It can be anything big or small but just one less thing you will still have on your life to do list. 

I am still forming the rest of my “bucket list” but I am going to give myself one year to push my boundaries and take risks, get over my insecurities and fears, and have the experiences I long for.  So I started this blog on November 12^th, 2010 to document the journey on the road to becoming the me I want to be.  My goal is to see if a year can change your life.  Can 365 days be the exact amount of time necessary to make your world the way you’ve always wanted?  I don’t really know the answer to that but I can safely say I hope so.  We’ll find out on the 365^th day: 11.11.11 (ironic that 11 is my lucky number?)

“People can live a hundred years without really living a minute.  You climb up here with me it’s one less minute you haven’t lived.”  - Gilmore Girls

Life or So They Tell Me...

Well here we go. Since this is my first entry, I want to justify why I titled this blog “Life or So They Tell Me”. How many times has something happened to you and someone tells you, “Well that’s life”? Have you ever been in a situation and said “This can’t be my life”? Or do you ever feel like you are living your life based on how other people tell you to? We are so content to just accept our circumstances because people tell us that’s how life is but aren’t we the ones who are in control of our own destiny? When did we stop holding the reigns and charting our own life course?

For the last few years, I’ve felt incredibly disconnected to the life I’ve been living. Each day I get up and I do what I’m “supposed” to do. I have a full time job that I go to every day, I have groups of friends that I spend time with, I have projects and organizations that I’m involved in and I have a great family to enjoy. It sounds like a pretty full life and yes it is a nice one, however, I constantly feel like I am just going through the motions with no real sense of passion behind them.

When we’re young, we dream of what we will be when we grow up. I’m still not sure what I want to be but somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to figure that out. I thought by this stage of my life I would be in a completely different place and when that plan didn’t come true, instead of figuring out a new direction for my life, I was content to sit around and wait for my original plan to take hold. I thought maybe my timing was off but eventually things would just work themselves out. I had an excuse for everything and I hid behind them. It was easier to blame my situation on whatever setback I had suffered or someone else in my life but all that accomplished was a clever way to mask the fact that I was completely petrified that I had no contingency plan in case Life Plan A didn’t work out.

Now I know that there are some people out there that are more than happy with the life they are living and wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. To those people, I admit to you that I’m jealous. That is the type of situation I hope to one day be in and this blog is just documenting my journey on the road to that undisclosed destination where I will finally find the perfect fit my life has been missing. If I sound depressed, rethink that. I am energized. I am excited to take back the control of my future. I am ready to embrace all the heartache I have experienced, all the plans that have fallen short, and all the faded dreams that I have let go of and figure out what comes next. Just because Plan A didn’t pan out, doesn’t mean that an equally great life plan can’t take its place. It doesn’t have to be about missing out on those things I thought I would have by now but rather taking advantage of all the exciting things that I might not have been able to have if my original wants came true. I am ready to take the risks that are necessary to put the life back in my life, find unexpected adventures, and discover things I never knew I always wanted. So right now it’s my life according to what they tell me but this is my journey to make it life on my terms.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings