The Second Time Around

The other night I did something I hardly ever do. I went on a second date. Now I know that to most normal, rational people, a second date is no big deal but I think if you’ve been reading my blog, you know by now that I’m neither normal nor rational.


I’ve always been a boyfriend girl. For so many years I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and all of them were long term so being hesitant to commit was never really an issue for me. However, after my last relationship, it took me a little while to get back into the dating game.  When I did, I got burned a few times causing me to develop the theory that being non committal and unattached would keep me from getting hurt. On the other hand, it also prohibited me from getting involved.

You see, first dates are a trial. They are just two people testing each other out to see if this is someone they would like to bring into their lives. Some people call me picky when it comes to first dates but I think it’s more about trusting your instincts. I wouldn't mind being in relationship but I want it to be the right relationship. If I don’t think the guy has that potential after the first date, I don’t commit to a second one. Now I know I don’t have to decide if a guy is right or even relationship worthy by the second date, but if I don’t see it as a possibility, there is no point wasting anyone’s time including my own. When you go on a second date, you move from date to dating. It’s not a crazy, lifelong commitment or anything but it does give someone hope. Sure there is always the possibility that I will like the guy better the second time around but there’s always the possibility that my instincts will be right. It’s a 50/50 shot but ultimately I just don’t think it’s fair to lead someone on knowing that I’m not feeling it.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve developed some deep rooted relationship/commitment phobic type issues but since I’m working toward changing myself, I’m going to have break down my rules and give someone a chance. With this guy, a second date should have been a no brainer. The truth is that the first date was over a month ago and it exceeded all my expectations. After that date, I thought there would definitely be another one. He’s smart, funny, successful and cute. He was great on paper and practically perfect in person. It was really just a case of bad timing that kept me from committing to the second date. When I got his phone call last week to see if I wanted to get together, I realized that maybe the timing was right to pick up where we left off. I liked this guy.

It’s been two dates and I’m not saying it’s anything major but it’s nice to know after so many one and done dates, that there are still people out there that I can have chemistry with. We may even venture into uncharted territory with a third date but we’ll see what happens. With me you never know because there’s always the possibility that I will call an audible and give this guy the Heisman for no bigger reason than I’ve talked myself out of liking him. Yet another thing I have to stop doing!

The dating game is definitely harder than most people think and the rule book changes with every boy/girl. You try to play it smart but you can never really protect your heart if you want to be in the game. You need to trust the sparks, take risks on people and let yourself be vulnerable. You can’t make someone want you or force a fit but just because you get burned once or twice, it doesn’t mean that the possibility of something better isn’t right around the corner.

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” – A Cinderella Story

On The Edge Of Adventure

About 4 years ago I went cliff jumping in Vermont.  It was definitely one of the most daring things I have done in my life and something I never expected to do.  I remember climbing the cliff that I was about to jump off of thinking how amazing it was going to be.  However, when I got to the top, I froze thinking how stupid it actually was.  I watched three or four people launch themselves off the ledge and plummet into the water below.  As I stood there, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong.  What if the water wasn’t deep enough?  What if I didn’t jump out far enough? Could I really drown?  It took me ten minutes of pondering the downsides to finally gather up the courage to take the leap and of course, I lived to tell the tale.

Last night I found myself metaphorically back out on that ledge, looking down and contemplating taking a plunge into the great unknown.  This time I wasn’t on the edge of a cliff in Vermont but rather on a phone call that could provide me with another exciting and possibly terrifying adventure.  It took me 35 minutes to charm my interviewers and by 6:10pm on December 15^th 2010, I was officially being offered the opportunity of a lifetime.

I have been thinking of all the major commitments I wanted to make this year and with that one phone call I could cross two things off my list.  First off, volunteer for Habitat For Humanity.  I have a friend who has done some work for them and she has inspired me to get involved. It is an amazing organization that provides housing for those who need it.   The process involves volunteers as well as the future home owners working together to accomplish the task of building a home.   I like the idea of being part of something bigger than just myself and leaving my mark on the world by giving someone else the opportunity to change their life.  I feel that this is something I could be very passionate about and it will challenge me to learn a new skill and work harder than I may ever have before. 

The second thing I will get to do is a little larger than taking on yet another volunteer position.  I want to put another stamp in my passport.  While I have done a great deal of traveling over the years, I still have so many places that I want to visit.  Habitat was willing to give me that opportunity.  It would be a two week trip through their global village volunteer program and I would get to go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. 

So as I stood on the edge of the cliff, I once again had all the negatives and downsides swirling around in my head.  How would I pay for the trip?  Would I be able to take that much time off of work?  Am I really capable of building a house?  But this time, I didn’t need 10 minutes to contemplate and when the gentleman on the other end of the phone said, “Would you like to come to New Zealand?”, I responded instantly “YES!” 

I accepted with no hesitation, no regrets, and no fear.  Sure the obstacles are still there but they are out weighted by one very important pro.  I want this.  I am confident that I will be able to make this trip happen.  I will raise or save the money.  I have the vacation time and I can’t think of a better way to use it.  Construction may not be my background but I will learn. 

If I let these things hold me back, then I would miss out on getting all the benefits that this unexpected adventure could offer me.  I will have the chance to meet new people from all different places and backgrounds when we come together as a team to create something for someone who deserves it.  It is an opportunity to see another part of the world and not just as a tourist but rather up close and in the community.  I will experience the culture and the lifestyle and see things that I would never have gotten to see if I just took this trip as a vacation.

It’s scary standing out there on the ledge of a cliff but I am ready to jump and plummet down into the water below.  I am leaving all the pros and cons behind me and just going for it.  I am confident that this will be a life changing experience and I will not regret my decision.  I won't drown. I am an excellent swimmer so bring on the water!

 “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

For the Love of the Game

There was no press conference to make the announcement.  There was no ESPN special.  No one was taking their talents to South Beach and money was left on the table.  All there was was a simple man with extraordinary talent making a decision to play the game that he loved in a place that was screaming “Welcome Home”.

When I woke up this morning to check the Giants score in hopes that they had lost to the Vikings last night, I almost had a heart attack when the ESPN.com homepage loaded a giant picture of Cliff Lee in a Phillies uniform.  Upon reading the news, I was instantly excited and a little shocked.  In my mind, there was no way that the Phillies could have competed with the New York Yankees or the Texas Rangers when it came to compensation which meant that Cliff Lee in Philly was not an option.  As I continued reading, I got a little choked up knowing that when it all came down to it, the decision was made based on the ideal of following your heart rather than show me the money. 

I love sports.  It’s a love that is true and above all else, it is pure and uncomplicated.  Everyone has their teams and you bleed for them.  True fans possess an unwavering sense of loyalty.  Through the good years and the bad, you stand by your team and start every new season with the hope of this being “the year”.   Close games have the ability to make you feel nervous butterflies and great moments give you a sense of joy that tugs at your heart strings, sends chills up your spine, and puts a smile on your face. 

But with this one decision, we see a side of sports that we don’t always get to see.  Today, Cliff Lee showed us class.  He showed us heart.   Sure, Lee will have quite the paycheck for the next few years but it could have been bigger.  And yes, the Phillies have become an elite baseball powerhouse so the chance to be a World Series contender is also available to him in Philadelphia but in sports nothing is guaranteed and it’s always anyone’s ballgame.  For Lee, it was all about finding a place that he felt connected to and that is something that goes beyond just dollars and cents.  He was searching for the right fit.

Personally, I am not a money motivated person.  Money is nice but the truth is that it sometimes consumes us.  We spend all our lives trying to make it, most of the time there never seems to be enough of it, and even if we have it, it can’t buy us happiness, just things.  No amount of money can buy the feeling you got when you picked up a basketball and learned to dribble.  There is no price tag on scoring your first touchdown.  The only cost of winning the 100M dash at your track meet is the blood, sweat and tears that went into your preparation for the event.  No money is exchanged for the delight you get when your team wins the big game or you get to see a buzzer beater finish.  Yes, the tickets for the major sporting events or the equipment you need to play cost money, but the feelings and passion come at no charge.  The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat are free.

I am happy that Cliff Lee is a Phillie again but not just as a diehard Philadelphia fan.  I am happy because of how he did it.  In the year when LeBron James broke the hearts of every person in Cleveland by going on national television and publicly breaking up with the city who loved him, it is nice to see someone in a similar position pick up the phone and thank a team that has been good to him even though he has decided to go in another direction.  Cliff Lee showed class in leaving Texas and showed heart in choosing to play in Philadelphia despite the lesser salary.  It’s a common America Proverb that states, “the best things in life are free,” and although Cliff Lee was far from free or even a bargain, the excitement we will get when he takes the mound knowing that he could have picked any city but chose Philadelphia will be something that we could never buy.  We should keep in mind today that tax brackets change and money comes and goes, but pride, integrity and heart are priceless.  And of course for everything else there is Master Card J

“The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey.  The old ballplayer played for the name on the front.  The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.” -  Steve Garvey (Baseball Player)

A Walk To Remember

I woke up this morning to a tapping at my window.  I sleepily rolled over to try to ignore it but it didn’t stop.  As I looked at the clock, I noticed that it was only 6am on a Sunday but it was clear that regardless of the time, the tapping was not going to go away.  So I got up and ventured to the window to see who was so desperate to wake me from my slumber.

Outside through the early morning darkness, I saw him.  It was rain.  It was ironic that he paid me a visit this morning because I was just talking about him last night.   His ears must have been burning!  He beckoned to me to come out and join him.  I knew there was no sense in resisting so I got dressed and went outside. 

I walked through the streets of my little town with him.  The buildings and houses were dark and the roads were faintly lit by the florescent glow of the street lamps.  It was an unseasonably warm December morning for our stroll and rain took me by the hand, as he had done so many times before, and we walked.  The soft drops fell quickly, cascading down my face and saturating my hair but I didn’t mind at all. It was the perfect walk with an old friend.

But just as I prepared to bid my companion goodbye, rain decided that he hadn’t had enough of me yet.  I reached in my pocket only to find that my apartment keys were no longer there causing me to have to repeat my walk.  At this point, I was a little mad at my good friend.  We had had a lovely morning and now he was pushing it.  Rain knew I was not happy with his little practical joke so as I headed back home for the second time, he lightened up his deluge and transformed himself into a soft sprinkle. 

He knew I couldn’t stay mad at him.  This time I gripped my keys for dear life but I still took pleasure in splashing through the puddles that rain had so nicely laid out just for me.  The cars whizzing by probably thought I was nuts and looked like a drowned rat but I didn’t care.  It was my walk with rain and they just didn’t understand our relationship.

You see most people think that rain is dark and dreary but that’s where they’re wrong.  Rain just needs someone to come out and play with him.  He’s not always there but when he does stop by he wants you to come splash in his puddles and dance in his drizzle.  Great things can happen in the rain but the best part about it is that rain just happens.  You can’t conjure it up or force it.  You just have to wait and trust that one day the rain will come and with it, the magic.

This might not be my normal type of post but today I just felt like I wanted to share my rainy day :)  Enjoy your Sunday!!

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain" - Dolly Parton

Great Expectations

Today I want to revert back to a post I put up last week about flipping the switch.  I wrote about having to finally let someone go and end the book that was our story and it’s something I’ve had a lot of time to think about this week.  Now even though I asked that this person not to respond to me, I knew that he was incapable of respecting that request and a huge part of me wanted that response, just not the response I got. 

When I got my reply, my first reaction was that it was pretty weak but as I thought more about it, I realized it was the same kind of unattached, politically correct response that I had been getting from him the entire time I’ve known him so I don’t know why I expected anything more. 

This brought me back to a theory my mom has about expectations.  She says that the secret to life is low expectations, which is definitely not a policy I follow.  I tend to expect a lot from people.  This may without a doubt be my Achilles heel.  I don’t mean to hold people to these standards nor do I do it in a malicious way, I just want to see people be the best versions of themselves and of course when I’m involved I want them to do the things that I want so that I get my desired outcome (who doesn’t?!).  The truth is that people have to make their own decisions and follow their own hearts and sometimes your wants and your hearts don’t match up.  No matter how much I try to keep that in mind, there are times that I do forget it. 

Now back to the boy.  I wrote that we were closing the book and although I stand by that statement, I don’t think our story is done.  The book we had been writing was based on a naïve 18 year old girl in jean overalls and a 21 year old baby faced frat boy, neither of which are the people we are today.  It was a great story and one that I will definitely treasure forever but it’s time to move on.  Close that book and write a new one based on who we are now and who we will become rather than the way we were.  There can always be a sequel and sometimes they even end up better than the original (Mighty Ducks 2 anyone?).

The next book might be another love story or it might be something completely different.  There might be more characters involved and maybe we’ll even play smaller parts in the tale but regardless, it will be written moving forward.  If I didn’t close the last book I would always expect him to live up to the expectations I had and it’s not fair for me to expect him to be someone he does not want to be.

This was not an easy realization to come to and I’ve gone back and forth before reaching this mature point of clarity.  I went through frustration and disappointment and I definitely tapped into some anger.  The theories of me being a first round draft choice and a starter not some third string scrub you put in the game when you’ve exhausted all your other options were thrown around quite a bit but those feelings have all since passed (thank you Amy and Brad for putting up with my rants!).  I’ve reached mature, calm, and composed.  I feel like such a grown up!

All I know is that this person has been someone very special in my life for years and I didn’t always want to admit that.  In many ways, he has helped make me the person that I am and has influenced the person I would like to be.  I’ve spent 10 years watching him go from boy to man from afar and I’m sure I’ll spend many more years still watching his transformation.  He is inspiring and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things he will do because he is destined for greatness.

In hindsight, I’m glad I put everything out there and said the things I wanted to say.  Even though it didn’t go exactly how I would have liked it to, I no longer have to carry around the “what ifs” and I can move on accepting the situation as it is.   If you are holding on to something because you are afraid of the outcome, either let it out or let it go.  It’s a risk to put yourself out there and the truth is that things may not end the way you want them to but there is always that possibility that you will be surprised and get exactly what you want.  And if you don’t, then you can move on with the situation you’ve been given without the rose colored glasses that you wear when you are always wondering “what if”.

"Life isn't then.  Life isn't when.  Life is this, here, now." - October Road

Hi, My Name Is Single?!

Last week I went to jewelry party and although it was a really fun event, I had a specific conversation that stood out in my mind long after the party was over.  It might get a little Sex and the City here so bare with me as I channel my inner Carie Bradshaw.

The woman who hosted the party and her husband have been long time family friends and the other attendees were mostly people I knew already, with the exception of a few.  One of the guests that I didn’t recognize was the niece of the people hosting the event and she was there with a friend of hers.  Both looked to be about my age, I figured late twenties or early thirties.   I really didn’t speak to them much during the party until the end of the night when I happened to mention where I was living to someone and they over heard.  It turned out both girls lived near where I do so I got to talking to one of them but within the first few sentences she decided to lay all her cards on the table as she blurted out, “I’m 34 and single”. 

I really wish I could have been standing in front of a mirror at that time because my face had to be pretty priceless!  Part of me was shocked over the fact that I had just met this girl and all I knew was her name, where she lives and now her relationship status.  Another part of me was confused because where exactly do you go from there with the conversation?  Do you go with sympathy and say I’m so sorry for you or maybe cling to the optimistic side and say don’t worry it will happen one day?  I could have pried into her personal business and asked her why she was single because she seemed like such a great girl but I had just met her so that felt intrusive.  And of course I could always just be relatable and tell her I felt her pain but none of those really seemed to fit this conversation.  I went with the ever popular subject change and asked her what she did for a living.  When in doubt, avoid the elephant in the room!

When I left the party I couldn’t stop thinking about this conversation.  I didn’t remember her name.  I didn’t remember what she told me she did for a living.  All I remembered about this girl was that she was 34 and single.  The truth is that even though my age may be different, my relationship status is the same as hers so I know where she is coming from, however, my name is not single. 

There are a lot of interesting things about me and single is not one of them so the thought of using that fact in a conversation would never cross my mind.  But for many people, girls especially, we let titles like “single” define us.  We can be executives or scholars or philanthropists but when it comes down to it, all that can be wiped away by the giant name tag we have to wear that says, “Hi, my name is single”.

Personally, it's taken me a long time to realize and come to terms with it but I am single by choice.  Sure it would be easy to settle for the wrong guy just to say that I’m in a relationship and never have to be the odd wheel at a function again but what’s the point?  Inevitably that will just blow up like a grenade one day, leaving you right back where you started or you might not be available when the right person comes along. 

Why is being single always met with pity?  Where is my praise for not picking the wrong person?  What happened to my pat on the back for not settling for what’s available and holding out for what’s right? Is it really fair to date someone just so you don’t have to be alone?  I would rather be single than stuck in a situation leading someone else on while I know that I’m not as into it as they are.

It was my conversation at this party that made me realize that I don't want to be the girl wearing the name tag announcing to the world that she is single.  I want to let my accomplishments or my interests speak for me in a conversation, not my lack of a relationship.  So I'm single and I'm going to rock it but it's not my identity.  Single is more of a wardrobe choice.  It's the style I'm choosing to wear right now but in fashion, styles and trends change every day.  I know I'll reinvent my look at some point but it has to be a look that fits me.  Some people just can't pull off certain styles and that's ok because the right look for them will come together eventually.  In the meantime, you just have to have fun trying on different trends and seeing if they work for you.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Carrie Bradshaw

The Girl Who Never Got a Cabbage Patch Doll

I’ve had some issues getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  It’s not that I’ve been grinchy or anything, just sort of blah.  I haven’t thought about decorating, I haven’t sent a single card yet or baked a single cookie.  Even the idea of shopping isn’t incising, which if you know me is odd because shopping is my favorite form of cardio.  Overall it just doesn’t feel like this holiday is close, let alone right around the corner but I think I’m finally snapping out of it.

A lot of people have been asking me what I want for Christmas this year so I started making my list.  As I wrote down leather camera bag, Michael Kohrs white and gold watch, and Beverly Hills 90210 DVDs (which I ask for every year according to my 13 year old cousin), I started thinking about Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Now at 28 years old, I am of course not asking for a Cabbage Patch Doll this Christmas but I thought back to a time in my life when that was all I really wanted.  Yes of course I got some wonderful Christmas gifts and Santa was always very good to me but for some reason, he never seemed to bring me a Cabbage Patch Doll.  I think I asked for this toy for at least five years if not more and still to this day it is that one item that stands out in my mind when I make my Christmas list. 

So the other day, while I was in Toys R Us shopping, I felt drawn to the doll section.  I just wanted to take a look at the dolls that I once longed for but to my surprise there were no Cabbage Patch Dolls to be found in the store.  Then I was in Target and I felt the need to check their doll aisle to see if they had any but again there was nothing.  Even though I had no intension of buying one of these dolls, I was still disappointed in the fact that something that was once so important to me, was no longer there.  Even though I have out grown dolls, it was still a comfort to know that they were there in the aisle of the toy store if I ever decided I wanted one.

I was definitely disappointed by the lack of Cabbage Patch Dolls but I decided to turn my disappointment into something positive.  When I lived in my last place, I used to be big on throwing parties, especially for holidays, but when I moved into my current apartment, I got away from that for one reason or another.  Throw a party in my apartment is something on my check list of things to do that I say I’m going to do but don’t ever seem to do and maybe now was the right time.  Plus I had a great concept.

A lot of people throw Christmas parties and some have themes but I wanted mine to be unique.  Leave it to the event planner to come up with something different J.  So in attempt to shake my Christmas funk, I decided to throw a Christmas Morning themed party (just a theme not actually held on Christmas morning).  Basically, everyone should come dressed in their PJ’s and all the food will go along with the breakfast theme but the real essence of the party is that I am asking everyone to bring a new, unwrapped toy to be donated to Toys for Tots.  This way while we party like its Christmas morning, we will also be helping make someone else’s Christmas morning a little better.  Maybe we will even get someone the one gift they’ve always wanted, just like my Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hopefully one day when I think back on the Christmas of 2010, I will not focus on my lack of holiday spirit or the ridiculously over priced watch that I didn’t get (I at least had to ask!) or the fact that there were no more Cabbage Patch Dolls in the toy stores but instead I will think of the way I feel now at the idea of getting to do something good for someone else this Christmas.   That might be the best gift I get this year!



Merry Christmas to ME!



If you’re having a hard time finding that holiday cheer, don’t worry!    Maybe you need a visit to the mall with friends to take pictures with Santa or the chance to sing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the top of your lungs while driving in the car.  It might take until Christmas morning when you get that gift you never expected or when you get a Christmas card in the mail from a friend or Christmas eve when realize that you get to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story (who doesn't love a good Ralphie fix) but eventually you'll get swept up in the Christmas cheer.  That’s the real beauty of this holiday.  No matter how hard you try to fight it, you can’t help but get wrapped up in the excitement of the season.  And Christmas spirit is contagious so hopefully my new found joy will help you find yours too!

"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens (even Scrooge finally came around!)