Remember the Care Bears?

Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve used facebook as my main tool to post notices promoting it and this week I’ve been really inspired by something that the social networking site is doing.  Facebook is encouraging all its members to replace their current pictures with pictures of their favorite childhood cartoon characters to raise awareness for the growing issue of violence towards children. 

Child abuse is unfortunately an issue in our society and one that maybe we don’t see every day, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.  Abuse can take many different forms.  Physically you can see bruises but when it comes to emotional abuse or neglect, the wounds and signs are harder to detect.  It is an issue that is anything but black and white and often it is not easy to tell exactly who is capable of being abusive.  Abuse can happen in all types of families and relationships, even some you would never have expected. No matter what shape or form abuse takes, it is something that we should always strive to fight against but when it comes to children, it is exceptionally important that we as adults do whatever we can to help with the cause. 

It’s a common expression that children should be seen and not heard but I think that we should be the ones encouraging kids to find their voices.  As adults, children look to us as role models and use our actions and opinions to help shape their own lives.  We should be the ones helping them to figure out who they want to become while also allowing them enjoy the naïve, innocent experiences of their childhoods.  Abuse takes away their innocence.  Many kids have no voice.  They can’t fight back because they don’t know how to do it.  We have the ability to help change that.

Maybe it’s as simple as changing your facebook picture in support of the cause or maybe you will be inspired to do more.  I was.   This morning as I looked at all the profile pictures that had been changed, I realized that preventing violence against children is something I would really like to support and currently I have the time to do that.  For years, my mom has worked with an organization called Laurel House.  This is a group completely devoted to helping women and children who are victims of domestic violence and has a vision of ending this violence in each life, home and community.  Today I sent an email offering my services as a volunteer and look forward to being able to work with such a worthy organization.

Find your passion.  Life is nothing if we don’t have passion for the things that we are doing.  For me, right now I’m passionate about cancer research and children’s causes but for you it might be animal rights, AIDS prevention, helping the homeless, or aiding the victims of natural disasters.  You could find your passion in being a parent or a spouse or maybe it’s your career that drives you to be the best version of yourself.  Maybe you would rather devote yourself to something athletic and challenge everything you think you are capable of to complete a marathon or triathlon. 

Whatever it is that you choose to devote yourself to, put your whole heart into it.   The things you are passionate about may change day to day, year to year, or simply change as your life evolves but don’t ever let that fire to achieve things, make a difference, or just be great burn out. 

For those of you interested in finding a cause to devote your time to, I suggest checking out a great website that I found.   Please visit www.volunteermatch.com to search volunteer opportunities in your area.  And if you haven't already done so, change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon character in support of stopping violence against children.  I chose the Care Bears but find something that you loved and let it represent you for a few days.  You have until December 6th so don't hesitate!

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

 Everyone deserves a chance to be a kid :)  Thanks to all the wonderful people who helped make my childhood a great one!

Flip the Switch...Flipadelphia

So yesterday was pretty much Dramafest 2010 in my life.  If you checked out my last post you know I was struggling to find the courage to make a big decision.  Well, after wrestling with what to do, I decided I really did know what I had to do all along, even if parts of me didn’t want to admit it.

Basically, I have had a long and complicated relationship with someone for 10 years and yesterday I chose the active route, laid it all on the line and said everything I wanted to say for the last decade.  This relationship has been very romance novelesque over the years and recently we had reopened the book and penned the final chapter.  However, I didn’t realize that would be the end of our story until yesterday when I started writing the email that would no doubt go down as the epilogue of our tale.  It wasn’t easy but as wrote, I realized that I was going to lose.  I was going to lose someone very special to me but when I pressed send, I knew that if I didn’t say the things I needed to say I would never really be able to move on.  I was finally able to flip the switch.

After sending my email I updated my facebook status with that very line and got some interesting responses.  Now I know if you put up a cryptic status, you definitely deserve asinine responses and I was never mad that people found pleasure in my pain but this morning I woke up to one comment that really made me think.

My friend Brent said there may not always be drama but there will always be comedy.  I like that statement.  As I thought more about it, I began to see yesterday a little differently.  I stopped focusing on all the emotional baggage and looked at things that made me smile.  I thought about the email chain going back and forth between my girlfriends with the playful little jokes thrown in.  I went back to the phone call from my friend Colleen telling me all the funny stories from the crazy events of her weekend.  I thought about chatting and laughing with my Dad over a glass of wine in my parents kitchen.  I remembered the call from my friend Tommy telling me how he wasted the last 45 minutes of his work day catching up on my blog. I thought about meeting my friend Steve and his friends at the bar and learning what exactly a truck bomb is and seeing one done in under 4 seconds (totally gross by the way!).  I even enjoyed all the flip, flip, flipadelphia comments posted on my facebook wall.

There will always be comedy or something to laugh about or something fun to do, but if we get so bogged down in the drama of life, we are going to miss those things.  I want to laugh more.  If I cry, I want it to be from happiness rather than pain.  I want to see the comedy in life rather than the drama. 

So instead of obsessing over the boy who doesn’t want you back, maybe you should start obsessing over finding a boy who will make you smile.  When there’s a problem with work, instead of stressing over it, figure out a solution or move on.  If you’re fighting with a friend or family member, step back and take a minute to look at what you’re actually fighting for and see if it’s a battle you really need to have.  Whatever your drama is, learn to smile through it because like the book says, we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff.

"All she's ever felt is held back.  She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh".  She's gonna do a lot more of that.  She's makin' plans and makin' tracks.  She said "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me".  Oh, oh she found the strength to break free."  No Reigns - Rascal Flatts

The Essence of Courage

I was watching TV last night and there was special on ESPN about Jimmy Valvano.  I’ve known who this man was for years and I’ve seen his famous ESPY speech numerous times but every time I hear it I can’t help but think about courage.

Courage is defined as the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.  See also, Jimmy Valvano.  For those of you who don’t know about Jimmy V, he was a legendary basketball coach who died from bone cancer in 1993.  He lived his life stressing the importance of hope, love and persistence and is most well known for his famous quotation, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

Jimmy V had courage.  He had courage despite the tumors that had ravaged his body.  He had courage when he led his 1983 North Carolina State Wolfpack basketball team to the NCAA championship and won against the odds.  He had courage when he got up in front of the entire sports community and gave a speech at the 1993 ESPY Awards that would live on forever even if 8 weeks later, Valano proved his own mortality.  Jimmy V had courage.

Later on in the night, Valano’s speech was still swirling around in my head.  As I pictured him at that awards podium giving his speech, I once again contemplated courage.  Did I have any?  If so would I have enough to really do what I had to do?

The truth is I have a decision to make.  A big decision and I have just felt completely torn over it.  With every decision we make in life, there are risks and rewards.  When it comes to the choice I have to make, whichever action I choose to take, the risk and the reward are both extremely great.  I could be active and by doing so I run the risk of losing something that is very special to me but on the other hand, the reward could be something I have always wanted.  The other road I could go down leads me to a more passive place.  By this I mean I do nothing.  The risk of this is that I will continue to internalize everything and maybe regret it one day.  The reward is that everything will remain is exactly as it is. 

I’ve listened to other people’s advice and opinions, I’ve looked for signs as to what to do, and I’ve tried to find answers in books and movies but the inevitable conclusion I have come to is that there is no clear cut answer for my question.  I think deep down inside I know exactly what I have to do, I just don’t know if I have the courage to really do it.   It is easy for me to get all pumped up about accomplishing things and taking risks to have incredible experiences but this decision cuts way deeper than any item that I can check off a bucket list.   

So I go back to Jimmy Valano who said, “Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities.  It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.  And those three things are going to carry on forever.”  Jimmy V had courage when facing his killer.  All I have to do is pick a road.  There’s got to be some courage inside me somewhere, let’s just hope I can find it.

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day.  We should do this every day of our lives.  Number one is laugh.  You should laugh every day.  Number two is think.  You should spend time in thought.  And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy.  But think about it.  If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day.  That’s a heck of a day.  You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.” – Jimmy Valvano

Be Like Mike

Just do it and be like Mike are phrases generally associated with the athletic brand Nike but from now on they will become mottos to live my life by.

I have this friend Mike.  I met Mike at my first job out of college.  I was working at a fitness facility managing their programs and it was my first MOD (manager on duty) shift so I was stuck working at the club until 8pm.  Mike was working with me and to this day I swear our first conversation was one of the strangest I’ve had with anyone in my life.

Within minutes of meeting him, Mike revealed his master plan to me.  He told me that he wanted to marry an Italian girl.  Now I know you might be thinking that that’s not an uncommon statement and Snooki’s always looking for love so it’s a very realistic possibility to settle down with a nice Italian girl, however, Mike wasn’t looking for just some jersey shore guidette.  Mike wanted to move to Italy to find the girl who would be his bride. 

I can remember sitting in my chair thinking this kid is absolutely out of his mind!  Mike is a cute guy.  He was smart, funny, charming and could have had any girl he wanted so he definitely didn’t need to leave the town, let alone the country to find someone to be with.    Who moves to Italy to find a girl?  Who gives up everything they’ve worked for and moves to another country to teach English and find a wife?  Who goes into something this major with no plan, no guaranteed outcome, and no safety net?  Well 6 years later, I can answer all those questions.  Mike does that.

It took him only a few months over there to meet his future Mrs. and now they live a wonderful life back here in PA, happily married and very much in love.  Last night, I had drinks with Mike’s sister and was surprised to see that she had adopted the Mike lifestyle.  For Beth, she’s not looking for love but she is looking for adventure and as I listened to her rattle off all the exciting plans she had set up, I couldn’t help but think, I want to be like Mike too.

I felt energized by our conversation and as Beth repeated “Just Do It!” over and over to me, I decided she’s right.  It’s time to just do it and be like Mike!  Up until this point, this blog has helped me commit to doing the things I say I’m going to do but they’ve all been small things.  While I completely believe that the little things will lead to the bigger things, I was never quite sure what exactly those would be.  After last night I really thought about it and now I have some pretty great ideas.  I’m not quite ready to put them out there yet but my master plan will all be unveiled in due time.  I will say this, it’s time for me to jump and see if I really can fly.   

Dreams are just wishful thinking unless you decide to make them happen.  Maybe moving to Italy to marry an Italian girl isn’t the most practical thing to do but why do we always have to be practical?  There will always be a bill we will have to pay or responsibilities or reasons not to do things but do you really want to wake up one day with a good credit score, a dependable reputation, and a laundry list of excuses as to why you never really took any risks in order to have those once in a lifetime experiences you've always hoped for? 

"You're the only one who can make the difference.  Whatever your dream is, go for it." - Magic Johnson

Alison in Wonderland

When I was 22, I was just graduating college and my confidence level in myself was at an all time high.  Some even said that I crossed the line and was practically boarding on cocky but I think I was just extremely self confident.  Then at 23, I met a boy.  At that point I had just gotten out of my post college relationship and it had been over 5 years since the last time I had to worry about dating.  I had gone from one long term relationship to the next so I was a little scared of the prospect of searching for someone new but it became clear to me pretty quickly that finding boys was really easy.  I had no problems finding someone who was interested in me and I was always able to maintain the position where they were more into me than I was into them so that I retained control.  However, that was not the case with this particular boy.

This boy was able to get to me, underneath the tough exterior and confidence and tear it all apart.  Things started out great and I was enamored.  He said all the right things and did all the cute romantic gestures until one day he stopped.  At some point when I wasn’t looking the cute, nice guy I thought I had found was gone and in his place was a guy I didn’t want to know.   I was constantly told I was fat or his favorite line was “you’re fluffy not toned”.  He mocked my clothing and wanted to know why I didn’t dress up to see him and then when I did he would be mad at me for wearing things that were too revealing even if they weren’t.   He spent countless hours telling how I wasn’t anywhere near as pretty or perfect as his ex girlfriend and constantly compared me to other random girls.  I was told where I could go, who to be friends with and what to do for him.  I can’t tell you how many times I cried so hard that I gave myself a full on panic attack complete with chest pains and throwing up.  He was possessive, demanding, and jealous for no reason.  He put down my dreams, belittled my accomplishments, and mocked my interests.  I was a prisoner in my own life but for the 99 crappy things he said or did to me, there was always 1 good one which made me think there was something about him that I didn’t want to lose.  I was practically masochistic for staying, addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.

At 25, the bubble I was living in finally burst and I realized that happy people don’t cry every day.  I had spent far too long competing for something that was supposed to already be mine.  But the damage had been done.  The once confident girl was replaced with a girl who was afraid to look in the mirror.  What if I was just a little prettier?   I hate my nose!  I feel like I’m gaining weight.  I wish I had better hair.  All of these thoughts and so much more flooded through my mind when I saw my reflection. 

For a long time I couldn’t see past the imperfections that he had created in my head.  I looked tired and I felt beaten down.  I couldn’t figure out how I had gone from someone so strong to someone who had spiraled down the rabbit hole landing smack dab in my worst nightmare.  I was truly Alison in Wonderland.  Nothing was what it seemed or what I thought it would be.  I tried desperately to pull myself out of the abyss I was in but every time I would get some footing, it felt like the bottom dropped out and I was right back where I started, alone and hopeless.  I didn’t like the person I had become.  I had pushed everyone I loved so far away by being with him that I was never sure that I could get them back.  I wanted my life back.  I wanted to be 23 again with limitless possibilities, not 25 with no idea which way was up.

Today, I looked in the mirror.  I looked very closely at the girl staring back at me.  I liked her for just want she was.  I will never be perfect and I really don’t want to be.  At 28 I have come to terms with my imperfections and like it or hate it, it’s just me.  It has been a while since I looked in the mirror focusing only on my flaws but today may have been the first time I really thought about that.  It felt good to see the girl staring back at me and like what I saw.  It felt good to recognize my reflection.

So many times we let other people’s opinions of us dictate how we want to be but we should learn that the only opinion that matters is the one staring back at us from the other side of the mirror. The best of you is you and when you let some take that away, you deprive the world of all the greatness you have to offer.  Sure I could have worked out more or dieted to change my body.  I could have dyed my hair, changed my clothes, studied up on things I could have cared less about, or had surgery to correct my “flaws” but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m just not ok with that.  I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl with pretty eyes and a bright smile who has a weakness for chocolate marshmallow ice cream, episodes of the original 90210, and romance novels and I’m good with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.  There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.  But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” – Carrie Bradshaw

Love is a Drug

So Sunday I said that I went to the movies by myself but I held back the title.  When I was writing the blog yesterday I felt that the movie would make an interesting entry on its own so here goes.

I saw the movie Love and Other Drugs and besides being a great opportunity to stare at Jake Gyllenhaal for two hours (so hot!); it was a pretty good movie.  I wouldn’t say great (it was a little slow at points) but the overall story definitely made the movie worth seeing.  Now I will try to keep many of the major details out of this post but if you want to see the movie, I would totally understand if you stopped reading here.

First off, the gist of this film is a romance between a girl and guy both with their own individual issues who don’t really think they are worthy of certain things.  For her, she doesn’t think she deserves love because of a medical issue she has and he doesn’t believe he can truly be successful because all he sees in himself is a subpar existence.  In typical romantic comedy fashion, the two find each other and in turn see that what they truly need in life are the things they’ve always thought were out of the realm of possibility.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Jamie Randall, a smart screw up who has never really been able to live up to his full potential until he stumbles upon a job as a drug rep for a major pharmaceutical company during the late 90’s.  Romantically, he uses his charm to get ahead while never really committing to any one girl.  Anne Hathaway plays Maggie Murdock, a young girl suffering from a degenerative disorder which causes her to keep her distance from relationships.  She refuses to rely on people because she doesn’t think that with her disease she is worthy of being loved.  She is afraid that she will need someone more then they will need her. 

So in order to not give away the whole movie, I want to shift gears and apply it to life.  Romantic love is a really funny thing.  Some of us are lucky enough to be in it, some of us are unfortunate and have lost it, but overall at one point or another all of us are looking for it.  Love is the ultimate drug. 

There have been a very few times that I’ve felt like I was in love and in hindsight, even fewer times that I feel it was actually real.  When it comes to my love life, I’ve felt a lot like Maggie over the past few years.  Of course I don’t have a life altering disease but I have a past that has truly crippled my ability to let myself fall for someone.  I have made some mistakes and bad decisions which cause me to believe that I am not worthy of having someone want me back.  I’ve chalked it up to bad karma and other people just say I’m too picky but whatever the reason my love life has not panned out exactly how I thought it would. 

I love the show One Tree Hill and I think Brooke Davis said it best when she said, “Here’s my philosophy on dating.  It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that you know, turns you on… And it’s really important that these three people don’t know each other.”  That theory is for people who have been hurt when it comes to matters of the heart.  She goes on to say that all a girl really wants is someone to want them back.

I think that’s all anyone ever really wants.  Someone they want to want them back.  I know that’s all I really want.  I’ve had so many guys gamble me over the years and none fight for me.  I want someone who is going to fight for me.  In the romantic movies, the guy always chases the girl because he believes that if he has nothing else in life, he will at least have her.  Now while I am firmly grounded in reality and know life is not a movie, it’s still a nice thought. 

In this particular movie, there were obstacles preventing Jamie and Maggie from being together.  The truth is we all face obstacles every day in life.  Whether it’s regarding love or friends or work, we are constantly tested with obstacles.  It’s how we deal with the things that stand in our way that truly define us and our relationships.  What’s important to us may not always be clear but there will be that moment when it all makes sense. 

Like I said, romantic love is a funny thing.  Maybe I’m unlucky in love or maybe I’m just still looking for someone who fits me but either way I like the drug.  I’m trying hard not be closed off to the possibility of love like Maggie was in the movie, which is a difficult thing to do when romantically you just keep going down the wrong roads.   But regardless, I still have hope.   I will revert back to One Tree Hill and a question that practically defined a season to help clarify what I think true love really is.  When all your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you? If you are lucky enough to be able to answer that question, don't forget to tell that person you love them.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.  One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you...the one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'"- Author Unknown

Admit 1

I’ve always considered myself to be an independent person.  I firmly believed that the people I chose to have in my life were there because I wanted them to be there not because I needed them.  And of course if it came down to it, I could always depend on myself.  However, this independence was never really tested until a few years ago.

When I originally came up with this theory on life, I was in a relationship.  And since then, I had always been relationships.   It was three years ago that another long term relationship had come and gone, leaving me standing there all by myself.  There was no next boy in line to take over the last boy’s role.  There was just me, “Miss Independent”.   It was then that I figured out that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was or would have liked to have been.  

I don’t do well with being alone.  I don’t like doing things by myself but I think that’s a pretty standard feeling for most people.  Everything is more fun when you have someone to share it with but the problem I had was what happens when you don’t have someone available to do things with?

For example, I love movies.  It can be proven by the seriously impressive DVD collection I have accumulated over the years.   The problem is that seeing a movie in a theater is typically a two or more person activity.  For months I had said I wanted to just go all by myself and see a movie but every time I thought about it, I ended up chickening out.  I was afraid of how pathetic I would look going to the theater and sitting there all alone.  It was this phobia that prevented me from seeing a lot of movies I really wanted to see.

The other week, I saw a preview for a movie that I instantly knew I had to see and this morning I woke up thinking today was a great day for a movie.  I had nothing to do on the last day of a long weekend and I wanted to spend that day doing something fun and relaxing.   Sure I could have called my mom or gotten some friends together to go but that required a lot of planning and I didn’t want to work around anyone or their schedules so I took the opportunity to go by myself.

It was fantastic!  For the first time in a while I didn’t care what other people thought.  Plenty of people walked in in couples or groups and I sat there all by myself, totally excited to see this movie.  Unfortunately there were no girlfriends there to rate the previews with, gossip with about the cute parts, or recap the movie with when it was over.  There was no boy there to hold my hand during the romantic moments or comfort me when I cried during the sappy parts (and yes I cried).  But regardless, I now know that being alone can’t hold me back from doing the things I want to do.  Yes, it might be more fun with other people but if no one is around, I can definitely depend on me.  Hopefully I can use this confidence and apply it to other things in my life I am scared to do on my own. 

And if you want to know what movie I saw, log in tomorrow for my take on that :)