Great Expectations

Today I want to revert back to a post I put up last week about flipping the switch.  I wrote about having to finally let someone go and end the book that was our story and it’s something I’ve had a lot of time to think about this week.  Now even though I asked that this person not to respond to me, I knew that he was incapable of respecting that request and a huge part of me wanted that response, just not the response I got. 

When I got my reply, my first reaction was that it was pretty weak but as I thought more about it, I realized it was the same kind of unattached, politically correct response that I had been getting from him the entire time I’ve known him so I don’t know why I expected anything more. 

This brought me back to a theory my mom has about expectations.  She says that the secret to life is low expectations, which is definitely not a policy I follow.  I tend to expect a lot from people.  This may without a doubt be my Achilles heel.  I don’t mean to hold people to these standards nor do I do it in a malicious way, I just want to see people be the best versions of themselves and of course when I’m involved I want them to do the things that I want so that I get my desired outcome (who doesn’t?!).  The truth is that people have to make their own decisions and follow their own hearts and sometimes your wants and your hearts don’t match up.  No matter how much I try to keep that in mind, there are times that I do forget it. 

Now back to the boy.  I wrote that we were closing the book and although I stand by that statement, I don’t think our story is done.  The book we had been writing was based on a naïve 18 year old girl in jean overalls and a 21 year old baby faced frat boy, neither of which are the people we are today.  It was a great story and one that I will definitely treasure forever but it’s time to move on.  Close that book and write a new one based on who we are now and who we will become rather than the way we were.  There can always be a sequel and sometimes they even end up better than the original (Mighty Ducks 2 anyone?).

The next book might be another love story or it might be something completely different.  There might be more characters involved and maybe we’ll even play smaller parts in the tale but regardless, it will be written moving forward.  If I didn’t close the last book I would always expect him to live up to the expectations I had and it’s not fair for me to expect him to be someone he does not want to be.

This was not an easy realization to come to and I’ve gone back and forth before reaching this mature point of clarity.  I went through frustration and disappointment and I definitely tapped into some anger.  The theories of me being a first round draft choice and a starter not some third string scrub you put in the game when you’ve exhausted all your other options were thrown around quite a bit but those feelings have all since passed (thank you Amy and Brad for putting up with my rants!).  I’ve reached mature, calm, and composed.  I feel like such a grown up!

All I know is that this person has been someone very special in my life for years and I didn’t always want to admit that.  In many ways, he has helped make me the person that I am and has influenced the person I would like to be.  I’ve spent 10 years watching him go from boy to man from afar and I’m sure I’ll spend many more years still watching his transformation.  He is inspiring and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things he will do because he is destined for greatness.

In hindsight, I’m glad I put everything out there and said the things I wanted to say.  Even though it didn’t go exactly how I would have liked it to, I no longer have to carry around the “what ifs” and I can move on accepting the situation as it is.   If you are holding on to something because you are afraid of the outcome, either let it out or let it go.  It’s a risk to put yourself out there and the truth is that things may not end the way you want them to but there is always that possibility that you will be surprised and get exactly what you want.  And if you don’t, then you can move on with the situation you’ve been given without the rose colored glasses that you wear when you are always wondering “what if”.

"Life isn't then.  Life isn't when.  Life is this, here, now." - October Road

Hi, My Name Is Single?!

Last week I went to jewelry party and although it was a really fun event, I had a specific conversation that stood out in my mind long after the party was over.  It might get a little Sex and the City here so bare with me as I channel my inner Carie Bradshaw.

The woman who hosted the party and her husband have been long time family friends and the other attendees were mostly people I knew already, with the exception of a few.  One of the guests that I didn’t recognize was the niece of the people hosting the event and she was there with a friend of hers.  Both looked to be about my age, I figured late twenties or early thirties.   I really didn’t speak to them much during the party until the end of the night when I happened to mention where I was living to someone and they over heard.  It turned out both girls lived near where I do so I got to talking to one of them but within the first few sentences she decided to lay all her cards on the table as she blurted out, “I’m 34 and single”. 

I really wish I could have been standing in front of a mirror at that time because my face had to be pretty priceless!  Part of me was shocked over the fact that I had just met this girl and all I knew was her name, where she lives and now her relationship status.  Another part of me was confused because where exactly do you go from there with the conversation?  Do you go with sympathy and say I’m so sorry for you or maybe cling to the optimistic side and say don’t worry it will happen one day?  I could have pried into her personal business and asked her why she was single because she seemed like such a great girl but I had just met her so that felt intrusive.  And of course I could always just be relatable and tell her I felt her pain but none of those really seemed to fit this conversation.  I went with the ever popular subject change and asked her what she did for a living.  When in doubt, avoid the elephant in the room!

When I left the party I couldn’t stop thinking about this conversation.  I didn’t remember her name.  I didn’t remember what she told me she did for a living.  All I remembered about this girl was that she was 34 and single.  The truth is that even though my age may be different, my relationship status is the same as hers so I know where she is coming from, however, my name is not single. 

There are a lot of interesting things about me and single is not one of them so the thought of using that fact in a conversation would never cross my mind.  But for many people, girls especially, we let titles like “single” define us.  We can be executives or scholars or philanthropists but when it comes down to it, all that can be wiped away by the giant name tag we have to wear that says, “Hi, my name is single”.

Personally, it's taken me a long time to realize and come to terms with it but I am single by choice.  Sure it would be easy to settle for the wrong guy just to say that I’m in a relationship and never have to be the odd wheel at a function again but what’s the point?  Inevitably that will just blow up like a grenade one day, leaving you right back where you started or you might not be available when the right person comes along. 

Why is being single always met with pity?  Where is my praise for not picking the wrong person?  What happened to my pat on the back for not settling for what’s available and holding out for what’s right? Is it really fair to date someone just so you don’t have to be alone?  I would rather be single than stuck in a situation leading someone else on while I know that I’m not as into it as they are.

It was my conversation at this party that made me realize that I don't want to be the girl wearing the name tag announcing to the world that she is single.  I want to let my accomplishments or my interests speak for me in a conversation, not my lack of a relationship.  So I'm single and I'm going to rock it but it's not my identity.  Single is more of a wardrobe choice.  It's the style I'm choosing to wear right now but in fashion, styles and trends change every day.  I know I'll reinvent my look at some point but it has to be a look that fits me.  Some people just can't pull off certain styles and that's ok because the right look for them will come together eventually.  In the meantime, you just have to have fun trying on different trends and seeing if they work for you.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Carrie Bradshaw

The Girl Who Never Got a Cabbage Patch Doll

I’ve had some issues getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  It’s not that I’ve been grinchy or anything, just sort of blah.  I haven’t thought about decorating, I haven’t sent a single card yet or baked a single cookie.  Even the idea of shopping isn’t incising, which if you know me is odd because shopping is my favorite form of cardio.  Overall it just doesn’t feel like this holiday is close, let alone right around the corner but I think I’m finally snapping out of it.

A lot of people have been asking me what I want for Christmas this year so I started making my list.  As I wrote down leather camera bag, Michael Kohrs white and gold watch, and Beverly Hills 90210 DVDs (which I ask for every year according to my 13 year old cousin), I started thinking about Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Now at 28 years old, I am of course not asking for a Cabbage Patch Doll this Christmas but I thought back to a time in my life when that was all I really wanted.  Yes of course I got some wonderful Christmas gifts and Santa was always very good to me but for some reason, he never seemed to bring me a Cabbage Patch Doll.  I think I asked for this toy for at least five years if not more and still to this day it is that one item that stands out in my mind when I make my Christmas list. 

So the other day, while I was in Toys R Us shopping, I felt drawn to the doll section.  I just wanted to take a look at the dolls that I once longed for but to my surprise there were no Cabbage Patch Dolls to be found in the store.  Then I was in Target and I felt the need to check their doll aisle to see if they had any but again there was nothing.  Even though I had no intension of buying one of these dolls, I was still disappointed in the fact that something that was once so important to me, was no longer there.  Even though I have out grown dolls, it was still a comfort to know that they were there in the aisle of the toy store if I ever decided I wanted one.

I was definitely disappointed by the lack of Cabbage Patch Dolls but I decided to turn my disappointment into something positive.  When I lived in my last place, I used to be big on throwing parties, especially for holidays, but when I moved into my current apartment, I got away from that for one reason or another.  Throw a party in my apartment is something on my check list of things to do that I say I’m going to do but don’t ever seem to do and maybe now was the right time.  Plus I had a great concept.

A lot of people throw Christmas parties and some have themes but I wanted mine to be unique.  Leave it to the event planner to come up with something different J.  So in attempt to shake my Christmas funk, I decided to throw a Christmas Morning themed party (just a theme not actually held on Christmas morning).  Basically, everyone should come dressed in their PJ’s and all the food will go along with the breakfast theme but the real essence of the party is that I am asking everyone to bring a new, unwrapped toy to be donated to Toys for Tots.  This way while we party like its Christmas morning, we will also be helping make someone else’s Christmas morning a little better.  Maybe we will even get someone the one gift they’ve always wanted, just like my Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hopefully one day when I think back on the Christmas of 2010, I will not focus on my lack of holiday spirit or the ridiculously over priced watch that I didn’t get (I at least had to ask!) or the fact that there were no more Cabbage Patch Dolls in the toy stores but instead I will think of the way I feel now at the idea of getting to do something good for someone else this Christmas.   That might be the best gift I get this year!



Merry Christmas to ME!



If you’re having a hard time finding that holiday cheer, don’t worry!    Maybe you need a visit to the mall with friends to take pictures with Santa or the chance to sing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the top of your lungs while driving in the car.  It might take until Christmas morning when you get that gift you never expected or when you get a Christmas card in the mail from a friend or Christmas eve when realize that you get to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story (who doesn't love a good Ralphie fix) but eventually you'll get swept up in the Christmas cheer.  That’s the real beauty of this holiday.  No matter how hard you try to fight it, you can’t help but get wrapped up in the excitement of the season.  And Christmas spirit is contagious so hopefully my new found joy will help you find yours too!

"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens (even Scrooge finally came around!)



Remember the Care Bears?

Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve used facebook as my main tool to post notices promoting it and this week I’ve been really inspired by something that the social networking site is doing.  Facebook is encouraging all its members to replace their current pictures with pictures of their favorite childhood cartoon characters to raise awareness for the growing issue of violence towards children. 

Child abuse is unfortunately an issue in our society and one that maybe we don’t see every day, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.  Abuse can take many different forms.  Physically you can see bruises but when it comes to emotional abuse or neglect, the wounds and signs are harder to detect.  It is an issue that is anything but black and white and often it is not easy to tell exactly who is capable of being abusive.  Abuse can happen in all types of families and relationships, even some you would never have expected. No matter what shape or form abuse takes, it is something that we should always strive to fight against but when it comes to children, it is exceptionally important that we as adults do whatever we can to help with the cause. 

It’s a common expression that children should be seen and not heard but I think that we should be the ones encouraging kids to find their voices.  As adults, children look to us as role models and use our actions and opinions to help shape their own lives.  We should be the ones helping them to figure out who they want to become while also allowing them enjoy the naïve, innocent experiences of their childhoods.  Abuse takes away their innocence.  Many kids have no voice.  They can’t fight back because they don’t know how to do it.  We have the ability to help change that.

Maybe it’s as simple as changing your facebook picture in support of the cause or maybe you will be inspired to do more.  I was.   This morning as I looked at all the profile pictures that had been changed, I realized that preventing violence against children is something I would really like to support and currently I have the time to do that.  For years, my mom has worked with an organization called Laurel House.  This is a group completely devoted to helping women and children who are victims of domestic violence and has a vision of ending this violence in each life, home and community.  Today I sent an email offering my services as a volunteer and look forward to being able to work with such a worthy organization.

Find your passion.  Life is nothing if we don’t have passion for the things that we are doing.  For me, right now I’m passionate about cancer research and children’s causes but for you it might be animal rights, AIDS prevention, helping the homeless, or aiding the victims of natural disasters.  You could find your passion in being a parent or a spouse or maybe it’s your career that drives you to be the best version of yourself.  Maybe you would rather devote yourself to something athletic and challenge everything you think you are capable of to complete a marathon or triathlon. 

Whatever it is that you choose to devote yourself to, put your whole heart into it.   The things you are passionate about may change day to day, year to year, or simply change as your life evolves but don’t ever let that fire to achieve things, make a difference, or just be great burn out. 

For those of you interested in finding a cause to devote your time to, I suggest checking out a great website that I found.   Please visit www.volunteermatch.com to search volunteer opportunities in your area.  And if you haven't already done so, change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon character in support of stopping violence against children.  I chose the Care Bears but find something that you loved and let it represent you for a few days.  You have until December 6th so don't hesitate!

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

 Everyone deserves a chance to be a kid :)  Thanks to all the wonderful people who helped make my childhood a great one!

Flip the Switch...Flipadelphia

So yesterday was pretty much Dramafest 2010 in my life.  If you checked out my last post you know I was struggling to find the courage to make a big decision.  Well, after wrestling with what to do, I decided I really did know what I had to do all along, even if parts of me didn’t want to admit it.

Basically, I have had a long and complicated relationship with someone for 10 years and yesterday I chose the active route, laid it all on the line and said everything I wanted to say for the last decade.  This relationship has been very romance novelesque over the years and recently we had reopened the book and penned the final chapter.  However, I didn’t realize that would be the end of our story until yesterday when I started writing the email that would no doubt go down as the epilogue of our tale.  It wasn’t easy but as wrote, I realized that I was going to lose.  I was going to lose someone very special to me but when I pressed send, I knew that if I didn’t say the things I needed to say I would never really be able to move on.  I was finally able to flip the switch.

After sending my email I updated my facebook status with that very line and got some interesting responses.  Now I know if you put up a cryptic status, you definitely deserve asinine responses and I was never mad that people found pleasure in my pain but this morning I woke up to one comment that really made me think.

My friend Brent said there may not always be drama but there will always be comedy.  I like that statement.  As I thought more about it, I began to see yesterday a little differently.  I stopped focusing on all the emotional baggage and looked at things that made me smile.  I thought about the email chain going back and forth between my girlfriends with the playful little jokes thrown in.  I went back to the phone call from my friend Colleen telling me all the funny stories from the crazy events of her weekend.  I thought about chatting and laughing with my Dad over a glass of wine in my parents kitchen.  I remembered the call from my friend Tommy telling me how he wasted the last 45 minutes of his work day catching up on my blog. I thought about meeting my friend Steve and his friends at the bar and learning what exactly a truck bomb is and seeing one done in under 4 seconds (totally gross by the way!).  I even enjoyed all the flip, flip, flipadelphia comments posted on my facebook wall.

There will always be comedy or something to laugh about or something fun to do, but if we get so bogged down in the drama of life, we are going to miss those things.  I want to laugh more.  If I cry, I want it to be from happiness rather than pain.  I want to see the comedy in life rather than the drama. 

So instead of obsessing over the boy who doesn’t want you back, maybe you should start obsessing over finding a boy who will make you smile.  When there’s a problem with work, instead of stressing over it, figure out a solution or move on.  If you’re fighting with a friend or family member, step back and take a minute to look at what you’re actually fighting for and see if it’s a battle you really need to have.  Whatever your drama is, learn to smile through it because like the book says, we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff.

"All she's ever felt is held back.  She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh".  She's gonna do a lot more of that.  She's makin' plans and makin' tracks.  She said "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me".  Oh, oh she found the strength to break free."  No Reigns - Rascal Flatts

The Essence of Courage

I was watching TV last night and there was special on ESPN about Jimmy Valvano.  I’ve known who this man was for years and I’ve seen his famous ESPY speech numerous times but every time I hear it I can’t help but think about courage.

Courage is defined as the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.  See also, Jimmy Valvano.  For those of you who don’t know about Jimmy V, he was a legendary basketball coach who died from bone cancer in 1993.  He lived his life stressing the importance of hope, love and persistence and is most well known for his famous quotation, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

Jimmy V had courage.  He had courage despite the tumors that had ravaged his body.  He had courage when he led his 1983 North Carolina State Wolfpack basketball team to the NCAA championship and won against the odds.  He had courage when he got up in front of the entire sports community and gave a speech at the 1993 ESPY Awards that would live on forever even if 8 weeks later, Valano proved his own mortality.  Jimmy V had courage.

Later on in the night, Valano’s speech was still swirling around in my head.  As I pictured him at that awards podium giving his speech, I once again contemplated courage.  Did I have any?  If so would I have enough to really do what I had to do?

The truth is I have a decision to make.  A big decision and I have just felt completely torn over it.  With every decision we make in life, there are risks and rewards.  When it comes to the choice I have to make, whichever action I choose to take, the risk and the reward are both extremely great.  I could be active and by doing so I run the risk of losing something that is very special to me but on the other hand, the reward could be something I have always wanted.  The other road I could go down leads me to a more passive place.  By this I mean I do nothing.  The risk of this is that I will continue to internalize everything and maybe regret it one day.  The reward is that everything will remain is exactly as it is. 

I’ve listened to other people’s advice and opinions, I’ve looked for signs as to what to do, and I’ve tried to find answers in books and movies but the inevitable conclusion I have come to is that there is no clear cut answer for my question.  I think deep down inside I know exactly what I have to do, I just don’t know if I have the courage to really do it.   It is easy for me to get all pumped up about accomplishing things and taking risks to have incredible experiences but this decision cuts way deeper than any item that I can check off a bucket list.   

So I go back to Jimmy Valano who said, “Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities.  It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.  And those three things are going to carry on forever.”  Jimmy V had courage when facing his killer.  All I have to do is pick a road.  There’s got to be some courage inside me somewhere, let’s just hope I can find it.

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day.  We should do this every day of our lives.  Number one is laugh.  You should laugh every day.  Number two is think.  You should spend time in thought.  And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy.  But think about it.  If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day.  That’s a heck of a day.  You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.” – Jimmy Valvano

Be Like Mike

Just do it and be like Mike are phrases generally associated with the athletic brand Nike but from now on they will become mottos to live my life by.

I have this friend Mike.  I met Mike at my first job out of college.  I was working at a fitness facility managing their programs and it was my first MOD (manager on duty) shift so I was stuck working at the club until 8pm.  Mike was working with me and to this day I swear our first conversation was one of the strangest I’ve had with anyone in my life.

Within minutes of meeting him, Mike revealed his master plan to me.  He told me that he wanted to marry an Italian girl.  Now I know you might be thinking that that’s not an uncommon statement and Snooki’s always looking for love so it’s a very realistic possibility to settle down with a nice Italian girl, however, Mike wasn’t looking for just some jersey shore guidette.  Mike wanted to move to Italy to find the girl who would be his bride. 

I can remember sitting in my chair thinking this kid is absolutely out of his mind!  Mike is a cute guy.  He was smart, funny, charming and could have had any girl he wanted so he definitely didn’t need to leave the town, let alone the country to find someone to be with.    Who moves to Italy to find a girl?  Who gives up everything they’ve worked for and moves to another country to teach English and find a wife?  Who goes into something this major with no plan, no guaranteed outcome, and no safety net?  Well 6 years later, I can answer all those questions.  Mike does that.

It took him only a few months over there to meet his future Mrs. and now they live a wonderful life back here in PA, happily married and very much in love.  Last night, I had drinks with Mike’s sister and was surprised to see that she had adopted the Mike lifestyle.  For Beth, she’s not looking for love but she is looking for adventure and as I listened to her rattle off all the exciting plans she had set up, I couldn’t help but think, I want to be like Mike too.

I felt energized by our conversation and as Beth repeated “Just Do It!” over and over to me, I decided she’s right.  It’s time to just do it and be like Mike!  Up until this point, this blog has helped me commit to doing the things I say I’m going to do but they’ve all been small things.  While I completely believe that the little things will lead to the bigger things, I was never quite sure what exactly those would be.  After last night I really thought about it and now I have some pretty great ideas.  I’m not quite ready to put them out there yet but my master plan will all be unveiled in due time.  I will say this, it’s time for me to jump and see if I really can fly.   

Dreams are just wishful thinking unless you decide to make them happen.  Maybe moving to Italy to marry an Italian girl isn’t the most practical thing to do but why do we always have to be practical?  There will always be a bill we will have to pay or responsibilities or reasons not to do things but do you really want to wake up one day with a good credit score, a dependable reputation, and a laundry list of excuses as to why you never really took any risks in order to have those once in a lifetime experiences you've always hoped for? 

"You're the only one who can make the difference.  Whatever your dream is, go for it." - Magic Johnson