Never Ending Whys

I always tend to believe that things happen for a reason.  People come into our lives and leave it but not before they leave a mark on us or who we want to be.  Places and cities help us find that sometimes elusive sense of comfort and belonging.  Every happiness sustains us, gives us hope, and renews our faith in all the great things life has to offer while every sadness is making us realize just how important it is to enjoy those happy times.  Things are constantly happening around us and if they didn’t have a purpose, then what would be living for?

Ok I will admit that some of the things that happen to you don’t always make sense or there isn’t always a clear cut answer to the never ending whys, but they still have a reason for happening, no matter how cryptic it might be.  I know I’ve had a lot of questionable things happen in my life and maybe I’ll never have a good enough answer as to why but I recently realized I don’t need any answers anymore. 

 I think for a long time I was chasing something because I thought the reason it kept coming up in my life was because I was supposed to follow it.  I thought maybe it was bigger than even I knew and if I didn’t keep going after it, I would miss out on something truly amazing.  However, no matter how hard I ran towards it, somehow it kept eluding my grasp.  And even when I tried to give up on it, it managed to sneak back up on me.  If someone could have given me a good reason as to why I couldn’t have it, I probably would have walked away but there weren’t any answers except for one.  I didn’t have it.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get it.  As soon as I stopped looking for a definite answer, I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t even want it anymore.

I’ve really been on a kick lately to enjoy the things I have and not worry so much about those that I don’t.  It’s ok to want things but it’s not ok to let those things keep you from enjoying all the greatness right in front of you.  Everything does happen for a reason and whether we figure out what that is or not, maybe it all comes down to the fact that we shouldn’t waste our time looking for answers when things we want don’t pan out while we could be spending it finding things or people or situations that we never have to question.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right.  You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust one on but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

Let It Matter Or Let It Go

Over the last few weeks I’ve been on a complete high.  My self confidence was at an all time level, everything in my life was clicking, and great things were happening all around me.  Pretty much life was good.  However, as Newton teaches us, what goes up, must come down and within just a few seconds, everything I had worked for and everything I had built up, seemed to come crashing down around me.

It’s a common saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”.  When you’re young, you might need to hear that to rise above it but the real truth is that words do hurt.  Maybe you won’t have any cuts or broken bones or physical bleeding from someone saying something about you but sometimes the emotional scars and bruises that words leave behind are even harder to deal with.  Cuts and broken bones hurt but eventually heal.  Emotional pain lasts much longer.  You can’t just kiss it and make it all better.

A few years ago, I got myself in a relationship where I was beaten down emotionally over and over until the I didn’t even feel like myself anymore but for some reason I couldn’t walk away.  I was so driven to prove that the image this person had of me wasn’t true but no matter how hard I tried to make him see that, he just kept on putting me down until I eventually believed that maybe he was right.  I was pretty much emotionally cutting myself over and over, addicted to the pain.  Eventually, I came to the realization that this person wasn’t right and the only power he had over me was the power I allowed him to have so I decided to start healing and stop hurting. 

Since I’ve started this blog, you seen my journey to get back to the me I was and the me I wanted to be and healing from that relationship was a huge part of what I needed to do to feel like myself again.  Learning that I wasn’t the person he saw me as and vowing to never let anyone make me feel like that again were big steps toward getting to where I am now.  The other week someone said something that sent me spiraling back to that time in life and everything just seemed to rise up in my stomach like emotional vomit.  I wanted to unhear what I had heard.  I wanted to rewind the tape of my life back a few seconds so that I could avoid the whole situation.  Eventually I just wanted to cry.

But the major difference between me then and me now, is that I am not that same person.   I am so much stronger now that I have ever been in my life and I am going to hold myself to my promise that no one will ever be able to bring me down, no matter what they say.  Sure, I could spend my time trying to prove to this person that they are wrong about me I don't need to prove anything to anyone.  Love me or hate me that's for you to decide but I'm completely happy with who I am and I think my opinion of myself is dead on.  Again, the only power people have over us is the power that we give them.  Letting their opinions get to us or send us into emotional turmoil isn’t worth it. 

People are going to say things.  Sometimes they will pay you compliments and sometimes they will give you criticism but ultimately it’s all just their opinions.  We can choose to let them matter or let them go.  Sure once someone puts an idea out into the world, it’s hard to forget it, especially if it’s hurtful but if you don’t believe it to be true, then why are you letting matter?  I know who I am and that is the only opinion that matters. 

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Maybe It Is That Simple

One of my more annoying qualities is that I’m a pretty guarded person.  I’m highly skeptical of people and their “motives”, which is a trait I developed from previous interactions with people that I have trusted only to have them let me down.  Instead of enjoying the fact that someone is being nice to me, I instantly wonder what they want.  I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop or the strings to be attached.  This is something I would definitely like to shake so as I write my own set of rules to live by, I want to start here with letting go of my hesitations, becoming more trusting, and over all just expecting to be treated well because I do deserve it.

I think I’ve had one too many let downs when it comes to friendships and relationships so I have built up some walls.  It has been my experience that there are far more times that people will do things for you so that they can get something in return, rather than doing things simply to be nice.  It’s not a very positive way of thinking but ultimately it is safe.  If you always hesitate and question things, you will be much more confident when you finally do let your guard down, if you can.  But this all leaves me wondering, if I don’t let someone in or trust them to be free of ulterior motives, am I’m just essentially sabotaging my chances at moving forward with any sort of relationship?

The saddest part of all this, is that I think most people can relate.  When someone pays you a compliment, do you shrug it off or do you thank them because you know they recognized what you’ve known all along?  How often do you ask someone, “what’s the catch?”.  If you get a present for no apparent reason, do you get hung up on the why rather than just enjoying the gift?  Pretty much we are all just waiting for the blissful cloud of nicety to fade away and leave us to free fall down the spiral of catches and strings and conditions.  Why can’t people just be nice for the sake of being nice?

While it may be hard to blindly trust people and believe that their intensions are honorable, I think we have to come back to one simple thing and that is that we all deserve nice.  We shouldn’t question compliments or keep ourselves from being happy because we are waiting for the bottom to drop out on us.  Life is full of good and bad but they don’t always go hand in hand.  We should be looking for the good and expecting it rather than always thinking there is a going to be a bad side to follow.  Nice doesn’t always mean guilty or fake or seeking some kind of payback.  Maybe nice is just nice.  Maybe it really is that simple.

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." - Walter Anderson

Maybe We Need To Be Lost?

In the book Travels with Charley, John Steinbeck writes that “To know where you are going, you have to know where you are, and I didn’t”.  I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that line stands out to me but even though Steinbeck is referring to trying to navigate his way down the great American highways, I think to most people it says a lot about riding on the road of life.

When I started this blog, I didn’t know where I was and I really do agree that that had a lot to do with why I couldn’t get to where I wanted to be.  So I committed to taking the time to really work on myself and change who I was.  I wanted to stop living in the past and let go of the things that were holding me back from moving forward.  During that time, it stopped being about figuring out how to get to where I was going and over the past few months, I’ve realized that where I am suddenly became exactly where I wanted to be.

I feel like every day I come in contact with people who are lost.  So many people in my life seem aimless right now and lately I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad for them, mostly because I feel so amazing right now.  I kept thinking if they could just take the time to change their mindset.  All they need to do is refocus and start to open their eyes to what is right in front of them.  They have to be willing to let go and open to change.  For some reason, this week it all sort of hit me that each of these people will get there but they have to do it in their own way and on their own time table.

What I needed to do to figure out where I was and where I was going was my journey.  It was my challenge and it took me a long time to get to the point where I was strong enough to take the steps to move forward and from reading this blog, you can see that it was not an overnight process to get to where I am now.  Sure, in hindsight it all seems so logical and easy to me but I had to get there all on my own, which gives me faith that others will be able to do it as well.

Maybe sometimes we need to stay lost for a while.  Maybe we need to be aimless to see that going nowhere is getting us nowhere.  Maybe we need to run and run until we can’t run anymore.  It isn’t until we are out of breath that we will be able to come to the conclusion that all running is going to do is get us further and further away from where we want to be. 

Change is a process.  Getting back on track isn’t easy.  The results are fantastic but it’s the getting there that is the real challenge.  We all have to take the steps to get there on our own and that includes running away from the things we are not quite ready to deal with head on.  However, keep in mind that there may be some truth to the old saying that you can run but you can’t hide.

"Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkein