To Be Continued...

The other day, my cousin said to me, “Hey, I hear you stopped your blog.”  I will admit, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted but it’s not for lack of writing.

Shortly after my last post, I wrote another one.  It was pretty much a recap to what was a wonderful 365 day period in my life.  Overall, the journey was more about the path to get to the destination than the final product itself but instead of posting that piece, I saved it to my computer.  I put post to my blog on my to do list every day since and every day, I find myself unable to post it simply because I’m not sure where to go next.

You see, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, but the purpose of this blog was to make me really commit to becoming who I wanted to be and in hindsight, this was definitely my year.  But even though that might address the issue of 365 days being able to change your life, it still leaves me with the inevitable question, what now?

As I stand at that crossroad with several different options in front of me, I find myself still conflicted as to where I go from here, however, I can say one thing and that is that I’m not quite done yet.  Whether I end this site here, keep going documenting my life, or continue moving forward on my own, I know that I will be doing it as the best version of myself which is what I ultimately set out to accomplish this year.  My status is to be determined but regardless of where I take this journey and this blog, I can safely say that it has taken me above and beyond anywhere I thought it would at this time last year. 

So for now, my orginial goal is complete but my journey is to be continued...

Where I've Been

Now that we discussed where I started, let’s talk about where I’ve been.  Over the past year, I’ve really attempted to commit myself to this project.  I’ve tried to push myself and challenge myself and ultimately focusing on setting myself up to be in the right place for success.

This year I’ve talked a lot about putting myself first and going for things.  I’ve written about friendship issues and relationship problems.  I’ve related current events to my overall goals and shared my interests and passions.  I’ve even gotten on my soap box to voice my opinions on various topics.  Ultimately everything I’ve put out there in this blog has simply been coming back to the same common goal and that was to create a life and environment where I could be the best version of myself.  However, actions speak louder than words and even though I could write about a topic, I knew I had to make sure that I was living it as well.

So I started doing.  I reevaluated my friendships and eliminated those that I felt weren’t giving back what I was giving or were bringing me down.  I had to make sure that I surrounded myself with the right people and stopped stressing out over the wrong ones.  I cut ties with toxic past romantic relationships and freed myself from the haunting presence that they had left behind in my life.  I realized the reason those people didn’t work out wasn’t because of what I did wrong or what I could have done but rather just that they weren’t what I wanted, no matter how much I tried to make them be.  You can’t force a puzzle together and that’s what I was trying to do.  I had to see that these issues weren’t just lingering in my past but they were also impacting my future so until I came to terms with the truth, I wasn’t going to be able to move on and find someone who fit me.

As cheesy as it sounds I worked really hard to change my frame of mind.  I had to believe in myself more.  I had to reestablish the confidence in myself that I once had but that had been stripped away over the years.  I found a whole new sense of focus and was able to keep pulling myself back to where I needed to be when I drifted off course.  I eliminated doubt and fear as my initial reactions and started seeing every stage in life and every day as a new opportunity.  I stopped holding things and feelings in and said the things I needed to say regardless of the outcome.  I tried to make improved decisions overall and fuse the thoughts from my heart and my head together to make better choices.  I am no longer afraid of things changing or coming to an end because I fully believe that I can handle anything life throws at me, not just the familiar. 

And as I worked on my mental state and my environment, I made sure that I was also gaining experience along the way.  I gained new skills through practice and classes and worked hard to purse my interests and use my talents.  I took trips, did volunteer work, stepped outside of my comfort zone, and tried to check things off my ultimate life list.  In the end, I wanted to make sure this year would be one that I will define by the things I did do rather than one I will regret because of things I didn’t do.

“20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do rather than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover." - Mark Twain

The Starting Line

Well my 365 day deadline has come and gone and I’m sure you were expecting to hear from me on 11.11.11.  The real truth is that it’s taken me a few days to evaluate myself and make some other critical decisions regarding this whole thing.  So in reflection on this journey I’ve been on, here goes…

 At the beginning of this blog, I wanted to see if you truly pushed yourself for 365 days, could you make one year really count and can it ultimately change you.  I started this blog to keep myself on the path towards taking back control of my own life and ultimately hold myself to doing the things I wanted to.   I realized that I wasn’t happy with how my life was going and only I had the power to change that. 

There were several reasons for my unhappiness but it pretty much came down to these few things.  First off, I was holding on to an idea or plan that wasn’t working out for me and instead of amending that plan or embracing all the things that were happening for me, I was wallowing in the failure of my original life timeline.  Secondly, I felt like I was just going through the basic motions of living rather than really experiencing life and I didn’t want to let the time slip away while I collected coulda, woulda, shoulda’s.  Finally, I wasn’t really living my life for me.  I felt like I was always living based on someone else’s rules and not really writing any of my own.

So that’s where I started.  I decided that I had to strive for changes in three different areas if I really wanted to make the most out of my year.  In order to enjoy the life I was living instead of mourning the one I thought I would have, I had to let go of the things that I was holding on.  The biggest of those things was my original plan.  It’s nice to think that you can predict what you want out of life and when it is going to happen but if it doesn’t go that way, are you a failure?  The truth is that you are not.  When I looked at my life, I could clearly see that I was not where I thought would be at this stage of it but that didn’t mean what I had wasn’t amazing in its own way.  I was blaming myself for things not working out how I had hoped but all I had to do was change my point of view to see the bigger picture.  As I looked at what I did have a little deeper, I started to realize that I wouldn’t have had all these things if my original plan had taken shape.  Now I’m not saying that I’ve given up wanting certain things but I’m choosing to enjoy every day of my life as it is rather than wishing it could be some other way. 

In regards to gaining more experience in my life, I wanted to stop letting all the reasons why not keep me from doing this and start embracing the reasons why to go for it.  There will always be reasons not to do things but if we let them define out whole lives, we will miss out on truly living.  So I set out on a quest for unexpected adventures.  Instead of just talking about doing things, I started doing them.  I’ve equated it time and time again to jumping off a cliff and this year, I jumped and enjoyed the fall.

Finally, in order to write my own rules, I had to grow into the person I wanted to be.  I had to stop seeing myself in the eyes of others and start seeing me clearly in my own reflection.  For so long, I let the opinions of the people in my life define me.  Whether it was boyfriends who weighed in on my appearance or choose to point out my inadequacies, friends or family who provided me with specific ideas on how I should be living, or others around me who managed to get in my head, I was allowing too many people to impact who I was becoming.  I needed to change that in hope of figuring out my life and my own role in this world.  I had to release the hold that some of these people had on me that kept me to thinking that I was falling short of their expectations.   I had to make sure I knew that the only opinion that mattered was mine and I had to start focusing and competing only with myself.   By doing all this, I was able to see that maybe I was looking at a lot of people and situations with rose colored glasses.  I was giving them a lot of power by taking their opinions and comments to heart when really it was never a case of me coming up short but rather just different people wanting different things.   No one is going to live this life for me so why did I want to live it according to someone else?

So there you have it.  I guess you could call it the why or the beginning or the foundation but I’m going to say this was simply the starting line…

"Thought I had it all figured out, turns out I was only starting over.  Back to one, take two, on the count of three I'm starting over." - Starting Over by Tony Lucca

We Are...?

They say that no news is good news, which unfortunately means bad news is news and over the past few days, I’ve watched something I’ve loved longer than practically anything else in my life get swept up in a tornado of it.   In the eyes of a nation, Penn State’s pristine reputation of tradition with honor is resting in peace in the wake of the horrific acts of a few people associated with its iconic football program.  I am appalled and shocked that something like this could happen in a place I once called home.  Today, I find myself feeling sorry for the victims of this tragedy, including one that many are overlooking, Penn State University. 

 I read an article earlier that said Penn State is dead.  As with every death, respect needs to be paid so I’ve written an obituary for my fallen friend:

 Here lies the remains of a place called Happy Valley.  On Tuesday afternoon, November 8^th after a brief battle with a shocking scandal, the 156 year old university died due to complications of tarnished honor.   Over the years, Penn State University welcomed hundreds of thousands of students through the doors of its buildings, let them live in its dorm rooms, study on its grassy quads, and wear its traditional blue and white logos.  Today, that is all just a memory of what was.  Now as you stare out into the center of what used to be the campus, the nationally registered historical place known as Old Main, has fallen and is nothing more than a pile of rubble left behind in the aftermath.  The impact of the untimely demise of the collegiate organization is being felt around the world tonight.  CEO’s of corporations are ousted, actors are being recast, and award winning journalists have seen their last bi-lines all because they bare the title “Penn Stater”.  Olympians are being stripped of their medals and Hall of Fame athletes are having their legacies erased from the record books.  All of the soldiers and military personal that were a product of the university’s ROTC program were dismissed in disgrace.   The initiative to rid the world of childhood cancer took a substantial hit when the Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center closed its doors and the Four Diamonds fund shut down its operations leaving the families of the cancer patients completely unsupported.  Classes have been cancelled, transcripts thrown out, and students turned away without a college degree.  Teachers are rushing to the unemployment lines in hope of salvaging the remains of their careers.  Degree certificates presented to graduates are being recalled and destroyed.   Discredited professionals who are alumni of the school are seeing their careers evaporate in the wake of this tragedy.  Scientists abandoned their research, architects are watching their buildings fall, and doctors have been thrown out of hospitals.  State College, the little town located in the middle of the state of Pennsylvania is left as empty as the vacated ghost towns seen in old western movies.  Memorial services will be held Saturday, November 12^th at 12pm in Beaver Stadium.  In lieu of flowers please wear white in memory of the fallen.  Penn State is survived only by three men and the horrible crimes that they have committed. 

Well there you go.  I’d say it’s a pretty fitting farewell for the victim of a senseless tragedy.  For those of you reading this who think I might be taking it to an extreme, think again.  The reporters have said it.  The experts have weighed in with their opinions.   Penn State is over, finished, deceased, right?  I guess the only thing left to say here is, WE ARE…NOT DEAD!! 

As ridiculous as that obituary is, I wrote it to prove that when all is said and done, Penn State is bigger than even this scandal.  I am positive that Old Main will be still be standing and I am certain that Penn State will be too. Yes the situation is appalling, yes the men in question and their crimes are ghastly, and yes I am completely in support of them getting exactly what they deserve in regards to punishment but can the horrific actions of a few discredit an entire institution, wipe out legacies, and destroy careers?  Maybe for those particular individuals but what about all the other people who call themselves Penn Staters?  I am a Penn Stater.  I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this but all the sudden I am supposed hang my head in shame for the deplorable crimes that were committed because the piece of paper hanging on the wall of my hallway says that I am a graduate of The Pennsylvania State University and therefore associated with their indiscretions.  Should I turn in my t-shirts, pack up my memorabilia, and turn my back on a place I once called home? 

Yes I know that Penn State is a college town with a football problem but on a daily basis it is so much more than just a legendary coach with a storied football program.  Even in the midst of this current time of controversy, it is still more that a former assistant coach whose actions were completely depraved and two disgraced university employees that let him get away with it.  Sure that might be the big story but as every national media outlet in the country flocks to the often unnoticed Central Pennsylvania town, I can’t help but think where were they when the largest student run philanthropy in the world raised almost ten million dollars to fight childhood cancer?  The camera’s have made the names Sandusky, Curley, and Schultz known around the nation but I guarantee you will find few people who know what THON is.   Too bad good news = no news. 

They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and we aren’t going down like this.  So stop sending your condolences to the Penn Staters around you because we won't be resting in peace anytime soon.  We're still standing and in the end, Penn State University will be survived by the people who loved it and respected it, not the ones who disgraced it.  I grew up a Penn Stater.  Tomorrow I will still be a Penn Stater.   WE ARE...PENN STATE!

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stand in moments of comfort and convinence but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

Beautiful People

The other day I got what might have been the best compliment of my entire life.  Someone who barely knew me called me a beautiful person inside and out.  He wasn’t hitting on me, he had nothing to gain by paying me this praise, and he didn’t want anything from me in return for his kind words.  Pretty much he just made a observation based on the time we spent togther but one I’ve secretly been waiting for my entire life.

I’ve said it before but for a long time I struggled with not being good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, and basically just not enough.  While the world may have seen me completely differently, that’s how I saw myself.  This past year I decided to stop telling myself that I wasn’t enough and started telling myself I was.  More importantly, I blocked out all those people who helped contribute to my feelings of inadequacy.  I just started trying to be the best person I could be based on the type of person I wanted to be.  I will never be model beautiful or the smartest girl in the room.  There may always be someone more gifted than I am or more caring but I at the end of the day, no one else gets to be me and that’s exactly who I want to be because that’s someone worth knowing. 

After that compliment, I was a little taken back.  No one has ever said that to me, especially not lately and it wasn’t that I needed the self-esteem boost but I have to say it was nice to hear.  It’s easy to tell someone you think they are attractive or physically beautiful but there is so much more to people that often gets over shadowed by the exterior.  I want to be a beautiful person in all aspects of my person and it was satisfying to know that someone saw me in that light. 

So I got to thinking about all the beautiful people in my life and how I’ve never told them how truly gorgeous I think they are in every sense of the word.  Why is it that we are always willing to tell someone if they look bad in an outfit or are making a fool of themselves but we don’t tell them how truly great they are for simply being who they are?  Sometimes a few kind words are just that to one person but mean the world to another.

"Don’t throw on all that make-up for me.  There ain’t a single part of you I wouldn’t want to see.  You see make-up only makes up for what’s lacking on the inside and you ain’t lacking babe.” – Honestly for You, Tony Lucca

The Man Who Got Everything He Ever Wanted

Once upon a time, there was a man who always got everything he wanted.  Professional opportunities came in abundance, money was overflowing, and dreams were always attainable.  Everything came easy for him but more importantly, everything came at some point.  Many around him were more than a little jealous of this man and his tendency to live a life beyond normal means.  They were further frustrated with the fact that no one had been able to pin point exactly how it was that he was able to get everything he wanted while still being able to make it look like it was nothing.  

Over the years, people came up with a lot of the theories as to why he was destined for so much greatness.  Some speculated that it was because he was smart and if only they were smarter then they too would have wonderful things come their way.  Others attributed his success to his hard working nature and thought that if they worked harder soon they would achieve all the things they wanted as well.  Finally, some considered luck.  They contemplated that maybe it’s all about being at the right place at the right time and that he was just able to luck into all the great things he had so they spent their time wishing and praying for a little good fortune to come their way.  Well after years of theories and possibilities, they still could not have been further away from the truth.   Sure intelligence, hard work, and timing are all important factors when attempting to meet your goals or reach your dreams, but the difference between the masses and the aforementioned man was that he believed he would have everything he wanted without a shadow of a doubt.  It was that simple.

Ok not that simple but the moral of this story is no matter how much blood, how much sweat or how many tears you put into something, if you still question yourself, your achievements will be questionable.  So often we doubt ourselves.  We second guess our abilities and the possibility of our dreams actually coming true.  The man in this story didn’t.  He made up his mind and had 100% unshakable confidence and belief behind it, making it almost impossible for him to not get exactly what he wanted.  Ironically, the only area of his life where he lacked success was the only dream he didn’t don’t whole heartedly believe in. 

I’ve spent most of my life thinking that great and extraordinary things can happen, just not to me.  The only reason I believed that these things were out of my reach was because no matter how much I wanted certain things, they just always seemed to elude my grasp.  However, as I struggled to catch the magic in life, I watched others grab it with ease, none more so than the person mentioned in the story above.  Ever since I met him, I found myself enamored with his ability to get everything he desired and much like the others around him, I longed to find the answers to his never ending success.  I recently finished a book, which made me think of this person and for the first time, I saw that it was the fact that he never doubted himself that gave him an edge when it came to achieving even his wildest dreams. 

I doubt myself all the time.  I question if I’m doing the right things or if I’m ever going to move forward down the path to achievement rather than just running in circles on the hamster wheel of mediocrity.  I wonder what it is that I’m doing wrong.  I ask myself if it’s meant to be.   I even thought that if I didn’t think about something or thought the opposite then maybe it would happen. 

I will admit that the book I was reading was The Secret.  It was something I won’t normally read but I wanted to branch out of my normal literary choices so I decided to give it a try.  The whole book pretty much states that if you can picture what it is that you want and really believe in it, then those things will come your way.  I will admit that I was skeptical but recently, I wrote a post about how if you changed your way of thinking that you will change how you feel and it’s advice inspired by the lessons in this book.  By doing this, I’ve seen how my mood can shift so I tried a little experiment.  I thought of something I wanted.  I pictured the outcome the way I wanted it to be.  I felt that it was right in my gut and I believed it completely blocking out all doubt.  To be honest the odds of this coming true were really stacked against me but in the end, I got exactly what I wanted.      

Now my belief may have had zero effect on the outcome of this particular situation but there is the same amount of proof saying it did have an impact as there is saying that it didn't.  The lesson learned here is that we have to believe that things can happen and believe in ourselves.  I urge you to try it.  Wake up tomorrow morning and tell yourself that it’s going to be a good day.  Then believe it without ever questioning it.  When that guy cuts you off in traffice on your way to work, tell yourself it’s going to be a wonderful day.  When your computer starts acting up, tell yourself it’s going to be a wonderful day.  When your boss starts getting your case, tell yourself it’s going to be a wonderful day.  Maybe nothing extraordinary will happen but at the end of your day, I bet you’ll be able to say that overall it was a pretty good day or dare I say it, a great day.  If it turns out that way, just think what could happen if you had that same unwavering confidence behind everything you did in life.  I think you’d be pretty unstoppable. 

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." - Henry Ford